Holding onto Unfogivness of Myself To Cover Deeper Injuries

I feel like if I don't want to be humble and feel my emotions, then the brighter spirits don't want to stay around me. Which is an indication when I am being unloving.  As they want to teach me about love, and they are acting in accordance with my will.  So that is when I relate to darker spirits again.  So the use of my will totally chooses who in the spirit world that I hang around with.

The brighter spirits, limited in their influence now because of my will.  "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make her drink".  Only she can do that and she needs to want it!!!  The will to die, has been a heavy one for you Milly.   We have only been able to help you in a limited way.  We are sorry that you can't focus on the way to God as freely as you once were.  Where have you gone wrong you ask?  What is your desire, Milly, what do you want?"

I seem to be moving further and further away from God!!!  And I am drowning in it.   Am I damaging my soul every day more and more?  Instead of walking towards God in learning the lessons of love. Obviously I don't want to implement some of the lessons, resisting change, afraid of taking action.   It seems like I am degenerating.  Is that, that I am noticing more about myself and not liking that, and walking away from it rather than wanting to fix it up in me, thinking that it is too hard?  Or I just don't want to anymore? Boiled down it must be that I fear to uncover more darkness in me that I judge myself over, more than my later adult things that I did, has that been easier to cope with, as I can turn around and blame myself. and not have to look any deeper.

So is that why I want to hold onto the unforgiveness in myself,  so I don't look any further and find out deeper causes, and injuries that I received and finding the real truth. Right now, in between the breaks of crying, my heart is really hurting, as these words are coming out of me.   I am so afraid of overwhelm.

Each time I let go of some more of the fear of overwhelm, I get a bit closer to not resisting it....one day just go there!!!