Friday, 27 January 2012
When ever I am pointing the finger of blame I am angry, I WANT to blame rather than own the feeling inside of me that I want to avoid.
I don't want to feel experience the real feeling of what I really feel.
When I am angry, I am avoiding feeling something that I fear.
I fear an emotional beliefe about myself that came to me from my parents & envirionment
I fear experiencing this feeling in me.
That is an emotion just to experience bodily out of me till it is gone.
I just want to feel good about myself, cause I want to avoid feeling crap about myself.
This beife, what I fear feeling, is not real, it is a feeling, an emotion trapped inside my soul.
It is an emotional beliefe, that all I need to is to fully feel/experience it bodily to release it.
But when I blame I am addicted to feeling good and expecting others to aid me in this.
My pointed finger of blame is a reminder to me of this....
I am in addiction and being unloving wanting the other person to be in a codependant addictive relationship with me.
To remind me I am expecting something from them.
That expectations are unloving
When that person doesn't give me what I want, or do what I expect them to, so I feel good about myself.
This is what my pointed finger in blame reminds me, what I am actually doing to others.
And that is, having unloving expectations.
I want to control that person, out of fear of how I emotionally believe that they will treat me from my feelings that came into my soul when I was in the womb, from my parents, family life, environment.
When I blame with the pointing finger, it reminds me that when I want to control other people, how they treat me, that I do not want to feel, how I truely feel in my soul. But I think in my head good feelings about myself, that I don't truely feel in my soul, and I want others to help me in the pretence of how I WANT to feel.
When I can't control that person that I blame, and I don't feel good about myself, this finger of blame becomes a way of feeling powerful.
So I don't have to feel the feelings that are just in my soul. To control, to avoid fear, to avoid the grief of how I truely feel.
This finger of blame becomes the tip of my gun, it harms, my projection of anger, of blame onto another.
It is loaded, I shoot my energy of anger at them.
I have harmed them, even though I think I have not done anthing to them, they have not been "nice" to me by making me feel good about myself.
Wow, this finger of blame, reminds me, that I am being the unloving one!!!!!!
When I thought it was the other way around.......
'Cause I just wanted to avoid how I am truly feeling
This finger of blame, reminds me that I really don't want to know myself, to have exposed to myself my emotional beliefs that are not even true about me....that I in my soul (not my mind) I want to believe these untrue feelings about myself......
And that I want to reject what God feels about me.
That God loves me no matter what I feel about myself
The finger of blame, I can use it as a reminder of all of this......
It is still going to be a mind "power" thing that I have to remember every day to do!
Not something that just flows from me from my soul......
Until it becomes a desire from my soul, and I will know when it is a pure desire, as I will just feel how I feel,
Without judgement, without fear, I will no longer be, blocking ME
I am still going to want to go for pointing the finger
to avoid my authentic self, and protect the facade that I want the world to see, to stay powerful and not feel vulnerable, to be in control................to not trust, that these are just deceptive emoitonal beliefs, that can come out of me, for good.....that are not the real me.......the perfect soul that I was created as............that I can be again!!!!!!!!!! That these feelings are just emotions to experience "out" of my soul, a bit like with them, my soul has a dint in it, when I no longer have them, the dint no longer exists and I am perfect & whole as I was created to be.
Friday, 20 January 2012
After watching "The Lovelly Bones" movie some more emotions were exposed to me. The movie, is about a teenage girl being murdered and is about her experiences she shares with us as she looks back on her life and her experiences in the spiriiworld. In the end of the movie, she mentioned that she let go of the feeling of wanting to hold on to the world, stopped trying to make the world give her a feeling that she once existed on it.This triggered lots of feelings in me......
I have been preocupied with death lately, I had a realsiation that one reason to die for me, would be so that I could "make" people stop and think of me and cry about me, that I would get some sort of attention from them. A very unloving demand for some sort of "Love". Some feelings in me I feel came from my dad as well, he died of cancer when he was 58. (23 yrs ago now ). I feel that he felt much like he did not get the love, and attention, or noticed, that he was a piece of furniture in our lives.
I processed a lot of grief feelings, at one point I got a bit more "intense" feeling that took me a little off to the side of what I was feeling, soon realised it was some spirits joined in, I must not to have wanted to go any deeper with the emotions I was getting into ( or I had just finished, but felt to be more impressive to God, I will do my processing to the "nth" degree), so I stopped. No point in feeling their tears, I can't do their emotional work for them, and I don't get any further with my own, when they jump in, just exhausted! There are many, many, spirits who feel the similar feeling of getting something out of being "noticed" when you die, or "ripped off"cause they still didn't get noticed, that feeling inside of them unsatisfied.....as being a spirit they feel that they still don't get noticed! Most people just do not even know they are there!
And previously reasons that I would want to have child, my unloving reasons being so that I have had some sort of proof in the world that I existed, in this child, I left behind, so that I would be valid as a woman, and be like all the other women that have had children, so that somebody would love me and think that I was important to them.
I also have a niece and her partner who named her baby girl after me, which was an honour, a beautiful gesture on their part, that warmed my heart! On the dark side of my emotional injuries, exposed after watching this movie, was a feeling that I already do not exist any more, in family's eyes, that I am already superceeded and redundant, that I no longer really exist. It has been horrible to admit to, and yucky to feel through.
I am in the state more now where I do not judge these emotions, so then this allows more error in me to be ok with being exposed and coming to the surface to be felt, a bit more orgaincally.
I feel a bit better about if I die now, that I wont be having expectations of people making me feel better by crying "for me" and that I might not be part of the mob, with those spirits who still feel unnoticed.
And I have some kind of feeling in my heart, that will be explored further, and that feeling of God's Truth to grow....,that I can only describe as, perhaps we only die to get this feeling of being noticed, and that dieing is an emotional injury and a choice, we will it to happen. Of course there are many emotional beliefs to learn the Truth of about ageing.........
God, each day, I am learning more and more to appreciate my Lovelly Bones!
Monday, 9 January 2012
Just picture in your heart, this image, given to me from my Guides! A beautiful bushy , leafy green strawberry plant, doing what it loves to do....growing, receiving nourishment from the soil the sun and the clouds, provided by God, it’s passion is to flower, which it just does, naturally, so easily! Also it then grows fruit from the flower! This strawberry plant just does it’s passion in life, in it’s passion, grows & gives, grows and gives!
And that to me is how simple giving the gift of your passion is.
When we are in our passion and desire and we are giving our Gift of ourselves to others, and are in harmony with God’s Love, in that passionate, open loving, desirous place we are connected to God’s Love, receiving God’s nurturing , Nourishing Love.
My experience of this just on the weekend, I have been praying to know more how do I, in this not perfect emotionally injured state give my Gift to others?
The Summer Concert, the auditions on the Saturday, I learned, when I am feeling fearful, that I project my fears onto an audience, and I want them to make me feel safe. I talk to them and I set up my security blanket. This unloving demand goes out to them, so I am taking, rather than Giving, and to come into harmony with Love, I had to work through my fear of what my soul believed about how people would treat me, release my grief of whatever happened when I was a child when I did give my Gift of Love.
On the Sunday morning, these fears and grief did come up for me to process. It was a bit flavoured like this.....
Affraid of spirits, judging me and telling me that I really don’t have much to cry about compared to other people’s and me a the child, children’s lives, who have had way worse things happen than what I have. So I had a layer of judgement, on top of my emotions, fear of the spirits anger at me, grief & fear stored in my body just coming out, with feelings like, I am not noticed when I do give my gift of Love that I do have already in me, or I am punished in some way, when I do not do what that parent wants, or when I do what that parent wants, I do not receive love, the bullying just stops, and feelings like, I feel like a piece of furniture. I had some remorse for how I have treated others as pieces of furniture. It seemed to be an emotion also that had a very male aspect to it, may have been a feeling that dad was feeling, like a piece of furniture, as it seemed quite clear to me that I treat Tony and Mick (the male dog) like they may as well be a piece of furniture.
I had realisations inside my heart( this is the space I have been so wanting to get to emotionally, rather than just intellectually), that mum and dad had the amount of “love” inside of them that they only knew, and also cut myself some slack in my heart, that I have an amount of “love” in my heart to give, as I am at with it, that I and they are by no means perfect, but there was and is some form of nurturing that they were, and I am now capable of......I have been judging myself quite harshly and unable to get past the resentment with my parents, particularly mum.... ( without the spirits telling me, demanding that I should feel good about the “love” that mum and dad had to give, and be greatfull for what I was given, and the justification of that it was a great deal more than many other children had )
I did learn also how to own my fear in the afternoon , a bit more too, when I was getting ready to perform, I was in the dunny just feeling and praying admitting how I did have some fear in my body, rather than ignoring it, or just sitting in it.
I got really hot after one of the performances, I assumed at the time it was because I really put my all into it, but on reflecting, maybe I also processed a bit of shame.
Also I have noticed today, Monday, that I am not looking as anaemic and yellow as I have been looking, recently. On Sunday, I didn’t seem to have any worry about not having enough energy to perform, for the heavier rock song. I feel that I was connected to my body, was in my body, my passion in singing, wanting to give the Gift, I owned the fear, the spirits had nothing to cling onto, (I did not go out of body, and feel a bit distant to what I was doing, as the day before, playing the guitar, I couln’t see the chords properly and I my voice went a bit off)
And I received Gods Love while in my passion. I was feeling quite nourished by God’s Love.
How awesome is God’s system of learning, backed up by our Guides, by Yeshua and Mary, here on earth! And how powerful is my soul, to attract all of that to me, I must want to learn and to grow and to give my strawberry gifts!