Tuesday, 28 August 2012

I Wanted God to be a Parent on My Terms


Event that started stirring up some emotional feelings and beliefs

Feeling that I really wanted to go to a One Day Workshop on Raw Foods Preparation, but feeling like I can’t have it,  or do it,  as I have no money sitting in my hand right now to pay for it.  A friend offers to Gift it to me, which was nice but all sorts of feelings came up about that.....so I needed to go there!
Feelings like I didn’t deserve what I wanted, and not feeling like I deserved the Gift.  Feelings went also along the vein, that somehow I don’t want to live, to take the responsibility to feed and care for myself is too hard,  wanting to give up on myself.  Powerless.  Felt a lot of feelings around somebody hearing my voice and caring for what I wanted (wanting that, so I could avoid how I really felt ).   Also a realisation of how addicted that I could become with that type of relationship.  Some awareness too of the spirits in my life giving to me, when I was feeling that mum or dad or God didn’t, and how easily addicted I had become to them.
Also afterwards though, I felt that I would like to take action myself, book my own place, and see what emotions came up and my law of attraction as to whether or not I ended up being able to pay for it myself. 

It didn’t seem loving on my part to be relying on somebody else (and taking from them what they may need, not trusting that my own ability to give to myself ), to give me what I wanted, relying on a “middle man”, a mum or a dad to give me what I was “allowed” or “deserved” (and feel punished or rewarded ) to have and then in my addictions, and belief systems to feel like I have to give back to that person what they wanted in return for their generosity. (Although that person may not have had anything that they wanted from me, or felt that they had to repay  something that I had provided).

That was yesterday, today the feelings went into spirits having control of my life, via my uterus.

The trigger event was a dream the night before.  I was just relaxing, receiving a hug from an ex boyfriend, and my current partner was there, feeling very uncomfortable and upset.  I had woken up and felt upset that I had wanted the hug from that now friend, and it was satisfying and empty feeling in me,  that I didn’t feel when I was with him in the old relationship, and there was a sexual element to it.   I didn’t know if I was actually interacting with him in my sleep state, or whether it was a spirit (seeing in me the unhealed emotions....the colour of it in my spirit body )  and  providing  those feelings to me that I wanted satisfied. 

 Next evening while I was watching TV, I had a realisation of a spirit wanting to get back control of me via my uterus, as it swelled up slightly and felt tense. (intellectually, I felt that this tenseness was unexpressed fear of the spirit, although I did not allow myself to feel it ).

In the past, spirits, via my unhealed emotions about men, have aided me to do some not so loving things in having affairs.  I have not done any of that sort of thing for years, although still have the injury, and I feel I am being pushed into thinking about that ex boyfriend (by spirits), as thinking about sharing my sexual energy is almost the same as actually doing the act.  This is my Law of Attraction,(God’s messenger of Truth )  telling me the truth of the feelings and emotional beliefs  yet to be  felt through, still in my soul.  Also feeling the panic of spirits wanting to grasp onto me, as their connection to the earth, and their way of getting away from their own feelings via me,  having their own addictions met by me as their enabler. 

They have seen quite a few other spirits no longer having a hold onto me anymore, and are fearful of letting go of the life they seem to have some of control over,  not wanting to move into the spirit world fully by disconnecting with the earth sphere, wanting to stay earth bound.  Fearful that they will not have any way of controlling their experiences in whatever is beyond, that they do not understand.  (This is where I can come in and explain some things to them, if they want to hear them ).

Back to why I would want a man who is not my partner, who used to be, to give me a feeling that I feel is lacking in me, to cover it over, to blank it out for a short moment, to avoid feeling.  (spirits really aiding me in not wanting to experience  the seemingly simple enough feelings......these ones must have a lot of emotional pain attatched to them, that I am afraid of being connected to my body to fully experience them ).

I have had to tell my partner, and want to feel into my shame and why I am wanting sexual energy from another man, to get some feeling of “Love” satisfied.   What aren’t I getting from my current partner that I am addicted to, that the spirits can try to manipulate and give to me, to keep hold of their grasp of me, or why do I need several men to give me my addiction? 

Why do I want to be unloving to my partner?  Why isn’t one man enough?  Why isn’t my soulmate, the other half of me enough?  Am I addicted to a man that doesn’t want me, as opposed to having a man with me in my life (my current partner, who actually does want me!!!!!)  Why would I want to be not really wanted....a familiar feeling......getting some form of emotional satisfaction in a hug from an ex-partner, who never really wanted me when I was with him,  covering a feeling in me so that I don’t feel my grief of feeling that he never really wanted me, that dad never really wanted me.  Still wanting to believe that dad wanted me.  (This is a journal, which helps me see the where I am headed next in my emotional journey).  That pit of grief of that one, still has not been emptied yet!

The feelings this morning were a combination of these 2 trigger events that I mentioned.

It is interesting how the 2 events seemed to pair up, feeling into both mum and dad stuff in my relation to God, as God is both masculine and feminine and has both masculine and feminine Love to share with me.

Shutting down my emotions, my soul, my sensitivity to spirits, in my belief that I can make them go away, but then I can’t feel God as a presence.  If I can’t feel my feelings then I can’t connect to God.  I can only try to be satisfied through my physical body in my wake state, getting hugs and approval,  or my spiritual body, through interacting with spirits, and people in sleep state.

Feeling like I won’t be able to get past my addictions, shake of spirit influence, that it is too hard.  Feeling like I will never be able to get to God, to be “good enough” for God, some self defeating emotions, wanting to give in, it is too hard.  Others are getting there, but I am not good enough ( telling myself that I am not good enough, being in some effect emotions rather than the real emotions that caused those beliefs....takes me off on another self deceptive tangent )  That I need God’s approval, on whether I am good in man’s terms, which is not the Truth, showing me that I still do not understand in my soul, God’s Love for me yet.    

Angry at God for not making the spirits go away.  Angry at mum and dad that they would not make the spirits go away (and they did not believe me, and ignored me, were condescending to  me & belittled me )  Fearful of the spirits, and very much grief & fear about them being in my life and the effect they  seemed to  have upon me,  that everybody else was oblivious, or knew how to handle it, and that nobody seemed to care, do anything, talk about it, notice, and a great deal of powerlessness to it all.
With my addiction to wanting to be held, to be soothed, to make the feelings go away, rather than to be experienced.............
Nobody hears me
My voice and what I desire is not important to any one
I am unimportant

 Had some unexpressed baby or toddler rage come out, about not being allowed to have what I wanted, I don’t know what exactly it was, whether it be food when the moment I felt the hunger pangs, and feeling totally powerless as to whether I have somebody that can relieve that feeling in me.
Wanting a Physical God in the Flesh, or God to have a Spirit Body, Still not understanding the Soul

I have been wanting God to have a physical presence or a spirit body presence, so that I can feel that God is real, and grieving that as well.  Having it all on my terms, my demands.  Not wanting to understand and feel the Truth in my heart of how I can have a relationship with God, to put into practice what I have been intellectually learning.
Wanting God to make all the moves, to give to me!!!!!!  Not wanting to take the steps towards God, demanding that I be loved.    Where is the learning of Love is a Gift, in my injured little child in me.  To play it how I have learned though my emotional beliefs in error, that I learned in my life time so far, and the emotions that I received on incarnation while in the womb. 

Only wanting  God to fill my addictions, so that I don’t feel how unloved I feel, not really wanting God how God actually is, not accepting God, judging God. Not seeing the Tuth about God,  not understanding the Truth in my heart(which still carries the injured child’s damaged beliefs), only in my intellect, and really still wanting my addictions met by God.   

Wanting God as my pacifier a dummy, to be spat out whenever I felt like it.  Which God won’t ever do, or become. Not being able to be soothed anymore, talked to intellectually by spirits, or people, out of my feelings which is a good thing, but somehow missing being able to get away from my feelings....... so I can be soothed by falseness and white lies, and ignorance and pretence.....but it no longer being of any satisfaction, or holding any truth, being easily seen through.    Which is good as I actually want to see the Truth,  but  part of me doesn’t want to always fully feel it.  (bummer)

 And that is what stops me receiving and feeling God’s Love, absorbing that reality into my soul.  My errors first need to leave me as an emotional experience,  that I finally want to fully feel, to empty out the “container full” (my soul) so that the Love can come into that container, so that Love can come into me the way that God has Love for me, the way that in my mind, God has and endless supply, in quantity and the qualities of the Love that God wants to express to me. I can’t feel more Loved, until I am in a state of letting more Love in, that container (my soul) can’t be filled.

Unless I want to let go emotionally of my addictions to what I believe ”love” is,  I will only ever be able to imagine the width and breadth of God’s Vast Love(which is ok too, as this imagination is there to help me to grow my faith and desire, but sad if I don’t use it to my advantage)

To understand in my heart, the reality of a soul to soul Love surpasses by far the natural “love” that I have learned on this earth, and to fully realise in my soul that I can experience God’s Love in my condition right now (more recognition of the reality of my own soul ). ....only this belief & demand in the way.

My guides are telling me to keep fostering a desire to not give up, that eventually if I want it enough, I will rid myself of these addictions, these spirits, (but also be aware of their value to be the sign posts, to show me the road home, these emotional beliefs will change in my soul, my soul will change and grow ever more towards Love and become more in harmony with God’s Love.... and I will feel God’s Love more and more.  

My Guides let me know at some point too, while I was feeling earlier, not to get into the trap of replacing God with the foot massager that I have been recently using, and having great benefits from relief from spirits.  (me wanting to take things into my own hands and be in some sort of control, and not wanting to feel my feelings about what it feels like to have earth bound spirits and the wide variety of other spirits continually there).

God's love entering into your soul has such a great effect on the emotions that are out of harmony with love.   The amount of Love can be increased with your desire for it, your desire to feel Truth and desire to be humble and your willingness to feel every emotion. When the amount of Love being recieved is increased, then more emotional belifes that are disharmonious with love can leave, and the spirits along with these emotional beliefs.  If you can feel into why you are not so willing, then the emotions that are disharmonious with love can flow.  If you can do it with increasing amounts of God's love entering your soul, the whole process will quicken, over a decreasing of a period of time, your progression, will progress faster, rather than being such a battle.

The unwillingness only stifles these emotions, and only lets out controled portions of emtoions,  and lets in controled portions of Truth and Love.  The Love cannot flow in in geater quantities.  You can only feel a portion of the Love that is available to you when you willingness for Truth, Love and to be humble is not there so much.

The foot massager bucks the spirits off for a while to help you to be able to feel you willingness.  Rembering though, They are your "Law of Attraction"   Some thing in you is affraid to feel as you get closer to feeling those causes of those beliefs that you have formed, which helps the spirits to help you not to feel, you want that.

Ask God why you don't want to feel,  talk to God about what you are affraid of.....
Remember to talk to God,  to pray with every feeling that you feel. 

Thank you beautiful guides, why didn’t I feel to allow your voice through me earlier, although I have felt your presence, as a guide to my words and topic.(I did have to correct at some points when I din't quite write down what these beautiful spirit where trying to convey to me. 

And I appologise if I still have not quite got it right.  

As far as names of spirits go, and content, I still have fears of getting it all wrong, so ask God and your Guides when reading this message, and all of the things that I write, they will help to correct my failings.
Milly :)

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Feelings with No Recognition Of What They Are About

Sometimes there is no intellectual recognition of what it is all about.  I had my feet on the electromagnetic foot massager tonight, watching “The Mummy 2”  Some feelings came up, and I just wanted to feel them through movement sometimes some baby like anger, or fear or grief (it felt like I was a baby. (could have been when I was in the womb?)

I feel better afterwards.  If you were watching, it would have looked pretty weird though.   You seem to know pretty much how your body wants to express the emotion out of you, the best way to, it feels like a relief, a way of relieving yourself of those feelings.  And then it is gone, and you don’t really know what it was about.  I had a little fear, wondering if it may have been spirit influenced, but since I did have my feet on the foot massager, I decided, nope, it is real, they are my own emotions, I am not wasting my time or fooling myself,  feeling spirits emotions instead of my own. (which I had done, a few years back, cause I must not have truly wanted to feel how bad I felt inside my soul, tricking myself into feeling the spirits emotions who were with me, thinking they were my emotions, and wanting to feel their emotions rather than my own........reasons  & addictions explained in earlier posts)
Milly J
Also, continuing from the previous post on jealousy, stuff with my sister resenting also feeling responsible for her little sister, and having been made to look out for me because I was little,  this became an expectation from me later in life.  So I now need to look at my unloving expectations in my teenage years, when I actually chose to share a house with her. To feel the truth of my own unloving behavior and unloving beliefs.


At times when I have been feeling into the grief after a bit of emotional processing, it feels like something leaves me.  Like an energy of  a colour.  Sometimes it feels like it is a spirit leaving me, and sometimes, just lately I have been noticing it is like the leaving of a residual colour of an emotion, as in a substance of emotion leaving my soul for good, no more to be in there, and now less emotion that is out of harmony with love, to leave my soul.  This gives me great courage to keep doing what I am doing, as I feel the change in me!!
The main trigger today was a lady telling another lady what to do continuously.  I wondered why that was around me today.  The crying came out later at home.  I was crying as some spirit women were taunting me, they were not connected to  me, I had been enjoying the electromagnetic foot massager, as they leave me quickly after that, and I have a bit of an emotional chat to them.  They were telling me things like they just wanted to drain my life from me dull the brightness and lightness in me, they wanted to drain my youth, to take it away from me, they wanted it and if they couldn’t have it they would take it away, and whatever else I had that they didn’t have they wanted to take it off me, my quality of life, wanting to make my remaining years here on earth not very enjoyable.  So much grief came up as to why they would treat me like that.
Emotions that started to come up were related to my sister’s jealousy and rage at me arriving on the planet taking from her some of Mum’s and Dad’s love.   It was such a terrible feeling, especially being fuelled by the spirits that connected to her in her rage.  Whatever was bright and beautiful about me as the new baby, little toddler, child, little sister, who adored her, or just wanted to please her and her spirits to stop them from hurting me so much, just doing what she/they wanted, and often darkening myself to get approval .  This deep feeling inside of me that came from somewhere...”I is my fault”  I always wondered why I had that feeling in me, that I had to make up for something that I had done.  It wasn’t my fault, I was just born, these ladies have been picking on me since a small child as if I was still their little sister, taking it out on me, because of this feeling inside of me, believing it is my fault, and that my sister and they are “right” in blaming me.
There was some feelings also about my sisters anger at being made responsible by parents to look out for me, take care of me. 
What a big hook that they have had into me and that I have had in them.  It did feel like I was a fish on a line, that when I was close to getting away further from them, that they would reel me in, back to them and influence  me strongly, so that I would do something that would darken myself, to keep me closer to their own darkness.
I felt so strongly, tonight, that colour and substance leaving me!  And I feel like something has changed permanently, that that particular emotion can no longer be used as the doorway into me.
I did ask the ladies instead of blaming me, that they look at their own emotions that they had towards their sibling, and instead of taking out their anger on me, I actually did nothing wrong by being born, I am not the cause of their feeling, that they could allow themselves to feel into the cause, just like I have just done, (not blaming them for my grief, just feeling it& they can see that that colour of emotion no longer exists in me or is a much lesser quantity ).   And if they have had spirits bullying them, since when they were last here on earth encouraging them into being a bully to their siblings, and to others on earth now, like me when they themselves are in the spirit world, no longer on earth, and bossing them or me around to do things that darken their souls (of course I have had to look at why I wanted their approval and did what they wanted me to do.....to fit in, in my effort to try to get them to like me & stop projecting jealousy & rage at me, what emotion I was avoiding feeling.....their jealousy of me and the pain and grief of that). 
A t some point to progress, then they will need to have a chat to those ones who boss them and what they are afraid of feeling, just as I have to them, as I am no longer going to take the blame anymore.  That they now have the opportunity, now that they are no longer attatched to me, to explore the spririt world, rather than to hang around the earth plane, continuing to  bully another person like me, each time that they do that it darkens their own soul even more. To challenge these other bossy women, who are bossing them into darkening themselves more  and others,  all they will need to do is say NO.  I am not doing it any more.  And there will be bright spirits that come to help them, to grow in Love and become bright, which is Love and change the darkness in their soul if they really want it.
They can be helped, they can grow their own soul in love, they are not destined to be in ”in hell” forever (which is just a place that reflects their soul condition (amount of love in them, until they get sick of it and genuinely want to do something about it, and that is when they will be ready to grow towards love and accept help from God and the Brightest spirits, which are reflecting the Love in their souls.  They are so developed in Love, they will never hurt them they only want to help them if they are willing to be helped.  
So this moment now, is a great opportunity now for them to reflect on all of that, while they have detatched from me, after being with me for such a long time and allow their own progression towards love to happen.
That is pretty much what I said to them to help them want to reach out for help. Milly J

Sunday, 19 August 2012

The Prayer for Divine Love

Our Father who is in Heaven,

we recognize that You are all

Holy and Loving and Merciful

and that we are Your Children,

and not the subservient,

sinful and depraved creatures

that false teachers would have us


We know that we are the

Greatest of Your Creations,

and the Most Wonderful

of all Your Handiworks,

and the objects of

Your Great Soul's Love

and Tender Care.

We know that Your Will

is that we become At -one

with You

and partake of Your Great Love

which You have Bestowed upon us

through Your Mercy

and Desire that we become,

In Truth,

Your Children through Love ,

and not through the sacrifice

and death of any of

Your Creatures.
We pray that You will

open up our Soul's

to the inflowing

of Your Love,

and that then will come

Your Holy Spirit

to bring into our Souls this,

Your Divine Love,

in Great Abundance,

until our Souls are transformed

into the Very Essence

of Yourself,

and that there will come to us

Faith - such Faith as will cause us

to realize that we are truly

Your Children and one with You

in Very Substance,

and not in image only.

Let us have such Faith

as will cause us to know

that You are Our Father,

and the Bestower of

Every Good and Perfect Gift,

and that, only we ourselves,

can prevent Your Love

changing us from the mortal

into the Immortal.

Let us never cease to realize that

Your Love is waiting

for each and all of us,

and that when we come to You

in Faith and Earnest Aspiration,

Your Love will never be with held from us.

We thank You for Your Love

and the Privilege of receiving it,

and we believe that

You are Our Father-

the Loving Father

who smiles upon us in our weakness,

and is always ready to help us and take us

to Your Arms of Love.

We pray this with all the earnestness

and sincere longings of our Souls,

and, trusting in Your Love,

give You all

the Glory and Honour and Love

that our finite Souls

can give.

Jesus - Teaches us how to pray

to God for His

Gift of Great Love

Received by James Padgett

from Jesus, Dec 2 1916

"This is the only prayer that

men need offer to the Father.

It is the only one that appeals

to the love of the Father,

and with the answer

which will surely come,

will come all the blessings

that men may need,

 and which the Father sees

are for the good

of His creatures.

So my brothers, continue to pray

and have faith,

and in the end will come

a bestowal of the love

like unto that which came

to the apostles and disciples

at Pentecost.

Without sincere longings of the soul,

the words themselves

are empty and go no further

than our escaping breath.

for more information

on the Padgett Messages

and Divine Truth and Love go to

Divine Truth Channel on You Tube, Wizzard Shack

"My Story" blogspot

God's Way of Love Org


This is my life experiment.  It gets pretty scary at times, so I just go there and feel the fear and uncertainty, but God and my guides are there to help me, although at times I can’t feel them, when I don’t want to really know the truth, so then I really need to find out why I don’t want to know the truth, when I do want to know and willing to feel, God and my Guides can help me.  
This life experiment,  is driven quite often, by wanting to discover the emotions inside of me that are related to healing my body from fibroid tumours.  At times I have many people reflecting something to me.  When it is fear for example,  I know I need to look at my own fears related to the transaction with this person.  
And how I truly feel about trusting the process......being the way that God wants me to come back into harmony with Truth and Love, that in the end heals my soul, which heals my spirit body, which heals my physical body.  
The process being, healing myself, at the soul level, by fully experiencing the emotions that have been unexpressed since childhood, that cause me to believe emotional untruths and act on these untruths.  Once experiencing the emotions bodily, rather than going out of my body when these feelings come up, to get away from them, involving God in the emotional process, which in reality I have found is True Prayer.   True feelings, True emotions, directed towards God, my True Parent.
When I allow these emotions out of harmony with Love,  to flow out of me, this allows my soul to have the capability of allowing new Truth, and more of God's Love to enter into my soul, causing it to expand and grow.  I experience this new Truth emotionally, and all there is left now is to act on that new Truth with faith.   Each time more of God's Love enters me, I grow in Love, and I act in faith, I am automatically more loving, without "trying" with my mind to be.  When I have to TRY to be loving, I have not really learned the Truth emotionally in my heart, I have not let go emotionally and let the old truth flow out of me..... 
I first heard about this process in 2006/2007 from my friend, a new friend, the most loving person I have ever met, you could feel the love emanating from him.  He had been on this particular path for quite a few years.  Somewhere in me what he was saying really resonated deeply, and seemed to fill in the whole picture, the missing bits, the bits of things that never made sense otherwise there was always something missing, until now.  I felt so strongly that I had found the Truth, and I still do.  The friends name is AJ Miller, also Yeshua.  Yes, the one that was alive 2000 years ago and  has learned how to reincarnate, to come back to tell us the real Truth of how it all works, and his Soul mate Mary Magdalene, Mary Luck, in this life.
If you want to see more information of what I am talking about, look into www.divinetruth.com , You Tube Divine Love Channel through Wizard Shack, God’s Way of Love org.  There are lots of Seminars and notes on every conceivable subject. 
Now if I have lost you, I am sorry that I have not been able to explain it in a way that you would accept it.  You might be thinking....that nutter who was all over the media!  I have known Yeshua for many years now,  and he is not what the media has portrayed.  If any of you have had anything to do with media, you will know that they always go in for sensationalism, and slant the story to suit what they want to say, and to sell papers and add space, and whatever else comes with it.  
I find the best way to investigate something is to really look into it...even try it on,  see how it fits, if you decide you are interested in it, then it is totally your choice, you may be missing something good on someone else's say so.   After you have had a bit of investigation, and even experimented a bit, stop whenever you want, go back to whatever you were doing beforehand, if it does not feel right for you.  When you have done some investigating for yourself, then from your own conclusions, you can work out if it makes sense to you or not, see for yourself the truth in what the media says about it being  “the cult” (which is one of those hot topics and brings fear to many of us, often blinding us with fear).  From what I have worked out, looking at the seminars and allowing myself to work through my emotional addictions,  I have become less and less able to be controlled.....by society, males and females, and spirits.  As I have lost my emotional addictions to getting approval from others and addictions to “looking good” & “looking Cool”, I have been gradually losing the fascade that I show to the world, (that I have used to protect myself from harm ) and am becoming, more open, softer, more open in my heart,  more real and authentically me!
I might seem weird when I talk about God and spirits, and many years ago, I would have thought that myself.  Yes, I have changed, but I feel the change is for the better.  I am not controlled by society and what others think that I can think, do and say.  This is not out of resentment, but out of healing emotions in me that my beliefs and fears have dictated that “I be a good girl” and just do without question what others want me to do to get approval, that I am allowed to be me, whoever I am, however I am.  Which is so opposite to what I have been as a child, teenager and young adult.  I was so needy for others approval of me. (to avoid real emotional causes inside).
Many smaller illnesses that I have had in the past have been slowly disappearing.  I had huge digestive problems that I could not put on weight, no matter what I ate and no matter how hard I tried, mould in my blood, allergies, skin troubles,   I can now sustain my weight and put weight on easily if I want to, the allergies and skin troubles have gone as well, my blood is good and my acidity levels have gone back to normal.   Painful and heavy periods, have changed DRAMATICALLY.  
I also have an Electromagnetic Wave Foot Massager (this is the few weeks I have been using it )which has also had a great effect on the bleeding as well, although the bleeding has been getting lesser and lesser.   The week of my period I use it twice a day rather than once a day, as this helps me to stay separated from the women spirits who influence me during this time. Often their influence in the past has caused me to bleed much more.
My self esteem has grown so much, I am a much more confident person, I am much better at expressing myself, to men and to women.  I have been becoming less and less under the control of spirits (I had a lot of spirit influence), depression is gone, and want to inhabit my body more and more, my body has more and more strength, I am loving it more and more, loving life more and more,  as I release lots of grief out of my soul about not loving  my life, and not loving how I was/am feeling at different ages to now.  Although there are still many emotions to work through, I feel that I have some great success so far!!!! 
Anyway, my life has become one big living experiment.  My aim is to find what emotions cause fibroid tumours, which still are there in my uterus, and effect my life.   If I am successful, then others who find that they have fibroid tumours and are seeking for alternatives, may read this and think, well it worked for her, and I can see what the emotions were in her blog, or wherever they end up finding out from, that it might make sense to others, and it may be a sign post to the way. 

If I am unsuccessful, then I guess I will be a spirit at some stage, and will learn more about it from my Celestial Friends, and when I have healed my spirit body and soul from these emotions,  and if I still have a desire to be of some help to our brothers and sisters on earth and earthbound spirits, I will be assigned a person or people to help, to perhaps help point them in the way, if they desire, that have had similar experiences to my own.  So either way, whether it is sooner or later, I will hit the nail on the head, and be able to heal myself, and help others who have similar feelings.   My aim is to show the way to get this help, for spirits, to learn how to help themselves, so that when they have healed the emotions in themselves and they still desire to help others, then they will be Truly be helpful.

It is the search for a cure for fibroid tumours that led me to this point in time.  Initially this was the drive.  Along the way, I have found that I really do have a desire to get to know God! 
That doesn’t mean that I cannot use the Medical profession and the alternative medicines practices to help support the health of my body.   I have learned a great deal about investigating illness and looking after my body myself, supporting my health, rather than being so dependent upon doctors to cure me. 
But I do need to work through my emotions and fears and judgements and beliefs in error about  the Medical Profession and medicines as well, that if we are left with no other alternative can have life saving qualities!
If I don't work through my fears, I will just get exactly what I believe in/fear.  
I tried many different ways of healing, as when I first found out I had fibroid tumours, I had been wanting to become pregnant,  and certainly not finished with my uterus.  And the Doctors could not give me any guarantees that if I went in to hospital to have tumours removed that while I was under and had signed that bit of paper, giving them the responsibility of me and making decisions on  my behalf, giving them full permission to do what they decided, not really knowing me, making these decisions for me... they could not guarantee that I would come out of it with a uterus still intact. Leaving myself in a position of having no say, and having to make the best of the consequences of other peoples power of the decision making upon my life. 
So maybe I better see if I can get into some more emotional beliefs that I have, that still cause me to live in fear, rather than to experience it!  So that I can make use of whatever is on offer to me to help support and heal my body.!!!
 If it is that I believe that I cannot trust somebody as in the example that I gave above, about not being able to trust if I would end up with a uterus intact when I woke up, then that is probably what I would get, if I did not empty the fear out of me by experiencing the emotions bodily and changing the way that I feel, what I believe, when new Truth’s enter me when I receive God’s love, as the error goes out of me.

Some times in my life that I may need to revisit emotionally, to see what fears and beliefs I still have....
I did have my tonsils out when I was 3.  Mum had her tubes tied, when I was a teenager, dad was drunk and told us that “your mother isn’t going to make old bones”.  So us 3 kids were thinking that mum was going to die.  Didn’t find out till I was an Adult, what was really going on (mum and dad never talked to us kids about anything  like that, did not really treat us like we would understand , or needed to know )  Mum didn’t know until about 4 yrs ago that dad actually told us all that she was going to die.   I have had some processing about this. I guess if more is going to come to the surface, than now will be the time, while it is in the “cooking pot” or Law of Attraction, at the moment.
Dad had a hernia operation, and developed  cancer years later, and was in hospital a few times for big operations related to the cancer.  Visiting dad in hospital, and seeing him die in hospital.  People going to hospital and not coming out, dying, or going to old people’s homes.  Absorbing emotional beliefs about Doctors and Hospitals from my family & environment.  I feel that I still have more emotions to feel into around dad's death and Doctors and Hospitals.
When I first heard that illness in your body is caused by emotions, I thought that is weird, how can that be, Doctors say it is caused by this and Scientists say that, where is the proof, that can’t be right.  If I had stuck with that belief.  I would not have healed all of the other incidental things that I have occurred in my health, to this point of time......with all of the other side effects, this very WHOLE..... ISTIC way of healing, has had a simply amazing effect on the rest of my life!!!!


I had some fear and grief come up about an incident when I was a teenager, and was able to experience it bodily this time, I must have been willing to fully want to experience all of my emotions!
The rose coloured glasses, as the prepubescent teenager have certainly gone.   I feel that I have less needyness for dad’s approval , and less man rage in me, and less influenced my angry women spirits.  We shall see though, as to how I am with men from now on......
The Incident
Dad had hit my older sister for getting pregnant, and all the feelings fathers may have about teenage daughters being sexually active.  
I had expressed my grief of this (little girl grief, quite a while back now, was more in the flavour about him punishing her, and disapproving of her, and feeling the fear of dad’s disapproval  of me, and to blame somehow, fear if I would be bad) but I don’t think that the teenager in me has had much of a say, emotionally.  I think she got scared and left (went out of body & somebody else came in ), and I have been afraid ever since to become a woman. 
It is weird to describe, as writing this now, I feel an emptiness, a loss of many years,  of experiencing myself,  some adult type of person in my head being the logical one, ......but missing part of me experiencing who I am, that teenage female part of me joining in with my life.  The scared child in me and the unexpressed teenager, I have been living in my childhood and teenage fears from then until now.  And spirit’s beliefs.  Making sure I didn’t really become a woman, and use those scary bits that everybody seemed to hate, to have a child.
Some of my teenage rage came up to, that I have had locked inside since, hopefully now I don’t have as much rage in my soul being broadcast to all men.  This was capped on top of my fear and grief.
What was the trigger (Law of Attraction)?  MMM lets see, it was a few days ago now, I had my feet on the trusty foot massager  after a friend rang up, but in the conversation, she said how much she thinks of me, and she worries about my health (to do with my uterus ). 
2mins before her phone call, I felt really uncomfortable in my uterus area, and it had swollen up considerably, I had not noticed that earlier in the day.  Then she rang......
I had attracted projected fear.  And another person who doesn’t like (think much about female anatomy )my uterus, doesn’t care for it much and wants me to get it cut out of me. Something in me must not like my own uterus,  and there must still be some fear about my own health, or some spirits want me to get sidetracked by fear, rather than going into deeper feelings, expressing why I am fearful, some spirits who still want me to get rid of that thing (that uterus, it’s useless, redundant, well past being of any use, you are 49 for God’s sake, what do you need it for anyway......almost tricked me girls, now I can hear your logic......you want me to just get rid of the problem organ, and then I won’t have to worry about ne getting into the emotions that could cause your eviction notice, as the imminent threat won’t be there anymore.  I might forget about getting into my emotions,  finding the cause, expressing them out of me, changing my beliefs about myself........I might not worry about that anymore, they might have control, the upper hand of me for a bit longer......and their hold on earthly things, that helps them avoid their emotions,  through me won’t be so threatened!!!!!  Busted!
Although I did have some effect crying,  and feeling sorry for myself crying, and also some crying about somebody caring, some crying about being fearful of doctors, of leaving it all too late, fear that my health has already deteriorated too far,  and I will die of something that could have been avoided, if I had had my uterus removed, years back when the Doctor said that is what I should do.
These feelings and fears, came up too when  my horse died, that I left it too late to do anything about it, maybe I didn’t get the vet involved soon enough,  (although they really had no idea of why she was sick, other than relieving some of the symptoms ).  Fears about my boy dog who has some skin trouble, about leaving it too late to get the vets involved, and that maybe he will die of something that could have been avoided.  Reflecting the fear that I mentioned above, about myself as well.  Feelings like, if I don’t care enough about my own health/life how can I truly care about these animals.   Lots of fear & grief came out.
I probably have a bit more fears and beliefs to work through to do with doctors and hospitals. I feel there is much generational stuff here about fear of doctors, fear of money, costs, shame, distress of feeling like you are just standing by and nothing that you do has an affect or can change the outcome. Powerlessness, and out of control.
Another friend mentioned that she was going for a pap smear.   I wasn’t too sure about how I felt myself.  More to feel into bit this has also acted as a trigger.  I never go to the doctor, unless I really have to (had to go to get my arm set in plaster recently).  As I have not had a pap smear for quite a few years.... maybe I don’t want to know what is going on, so that I can avoid more of my emotions?   What if my law of attraction was that the test was positive to cancer?  How would I feel then?  
So many people are so casual about your uterus!!!!!  I was so casual about the uterus of my female cat and my female dog.  I got them both “fixed” (weird word, I broke their femaleness, I treated their femaleness with such disdain, just like everybody else)
At one stage I was really angry about how dad treated  girl’s puberty, and growing into a woman, making you feel dirty, sneaky, and really verbally abusing, as a teenage female being  hated for it. 
There was a great deal of grief about feeling like I was not allowed to like myself as a teenage girl, to express myself in any way as a female, express and explore my sexuality.  I remember thinking logically to myself, I see the difficulty that my sister has had trying to express and explore herself as a teenage girl,  I will just do that when I leave home ( I was around 13 or 14, a very late bloomer).  When I thought again how my dad hit my sister, I was able to feel my fear and grief of this, although I had to keep doing  diaphramatic  breathing to experience my fear bodily, and to stay in my body.
God was there, my guides were there, just egging me on.  Go for it. Had a peaceful sleep afterwards, and some changes in my energy.  I noticed when I was getting into my real emotions, rather than the effect emotions, which the spirits were happy for me to be in, the energy of other’s projected fear for me left me.
Another trigger during the day, another friend said how much one of her friends hated being a teenager, and she said that she really enjoyed making the most of it, doing whatever she wanted to. This really hit a core in me somewhere.
I was afraid of being the whole me.  I didn’t really enjoy being a teenager.  My sister did what she wanted to a point.   She was a rebel.  And then she really paid for it (in the way that dad treated her)  Just like the little child, afraid of being punished, I never was game to do much, also as a teenager myself, not game to just find out who I was, to want or do anymore than I thought I was allowed.
No doubt, I was the model child and teenager!!!!!  In my parents eyes, I was no doubt no trouble at all. Her example, and my fear of dad, and fear of disapproval, from the punishment she got when she pushed the parameters,  this fear controlled me into being the model child.
My wanting to be like my sister but being afraid of punishment, also led me to not wanting to know who I am, ignoring and not liking who I am, if it is different to what she is, (my processing at this time wasn’t about these feelings, and looking up to her).   Just pretty much the grief of really missing out on living my teenage years and fully enjoying being me, the grief of not really enjoying being a child too, feelings also about spirits beings mean to me in my childhood, playing a huge part in my life.  Feeling lots of grief of not really enjoying life on earth, as God wants us to enjoy our life........feelings of blame at God came into it earlier when I was not wanting to own my feelings, but these needed to be expressed to get through to the deeper ones of grief and how sad I felt.

A few days after now, I had some chilhood anger last night, that I didn't get to fully experience. I feel that there is more childhood feelings about wanting to be the baby still, to want everybody to look after me, to be responsisble for me (demanding that they get it right too!!!) and not wanting to take on the responsibility for my own life, for myself!!!!!!  Milly :) 

Saturday, 11 August 2012


Dali Lama "If you can help others.  If not, then at least refrain from hurthing others"
"Each individual has an opportunity to make a difference"
"To me, there is no difference whether president, beggar or king"
"Remember the six billion Human brothers and sisters on the plannet"
"Some people when we talk about compassion and love, think it is a religious matter. 
Compassion is the universal religion"
"True enlightenment is nothing but the nature of one's own self being full realised"

I think I will do a page of sayings from different people that the words mean so much more, when you contemplate upon them deeply in your heart
At the moment with this blog I have been sharing what I have experienced as the emotional process, what it looks like, triggers, Law of Attractions, where I end up with at the cause, what it looks like, some pitfalls that has delayed my progression, addictions, a disclosure of how not being humble has harmed others, and my own progression. Spirits, Abortion, Illustrations so that you can get the general picture of what the whole process looks like.   It is a record of development, to see if the experiments with myself, have worked or not.   I may see or others may see my own development or not.    That I always share where to get more information, and that I am not the owner or inventor of or teacher of the information, I only pass on what I am coming across that helps me.  My hope is that I stay humble.  And lastly that I give credit to God in all of this.  For God’s Love of us, that in some way I can help introduce others to that way!!!!   I feel soon it will grow more into my desire for God, and a sharing of that desire. 
I heard a great saying from the Dali Lama, “If you can help others.  If not, then at least refrain from hurting them”.  I feel is a good philosophy on the way....... to learning about Love, the way that God wants us to know what Love is.  
In my life at moment, an Electromagnetic Wave Pulse Foot Massager is the BEE’S KNEES!!!!  A friend gave me one recently, and I love it!!!!  It is good for my health in many ways!! 
Not only do you get the benefits of Reflexology points helping the different areas relating to the body on the feet help to access emotions, the electromagnetic pulses shrug off spririts that have attatched to me over my life time.  It helps me to realise that they are there, as there becomes a clear distinction of the awareness of another person (spirit ) other than myself, and a clear distinction of my own feelings and their feelings. 
And the big truth of that I can be spirit influenced, as long as I have emotions inside of me that are unhealed.  This Truth has hit me emotionally, over the years and I have felt the shame of my arrogance and judgment towards others, and the remorse of how I have actually harmed others with these feelings inside of me.  And wanted to stay blind to that influence in me!!!!!
I feel very fortunate that in my life that I have come across much very helpful and truthful information about spirits, what goes on in the spirit world and how I can help myself, in meeting AJ Miller aka Yeshua and Mary Luck aka Mary Magdalene.  You may think that I am crazy now!!!!!  I don’t mind at all!!!!  I am only happy to share unashamedly what has helped me so much, and that I have been able to direct others towards that information so that they can receive help too.  AJ and Mary have given such great talks and seminars since I have known them. 
AJ from 2006 & Mary, a few years later...........The topics of the seminars are many and varied, topics like “Secrets of the Universe”, Spirits, and Spirit Influence, Medium ship, Processing Emotions, Freewill, How to have a personal relationship with God, What True Prayer is, God’s Love and Truth, the list of topics is endless and I have found it all the most valuable information that I have ever come across.  I feel that I probably would have had to go to get some help in the form of Perscription Drugs, which in the long run, would not have really done anything for me in finding the real cure.  Check out the Mp3 talks & notes on and more about AJ & Mary on www.divinetruth.com,  God’s way of Love organisation, The Divine Truth Channel on You Tube, through Wizzard Shack.
Years ago,  when I was really into meditation to escape the body, going to spiritual churches, and new age type of events and gatherings.  I used to think arrogantly that everyone else was influenced by spirits and I wasn’t, or the one’s with me were better, or nicer than theirs, or that I didn’t have as many spirits influencing me, somehow..... 
I also had this big emotion in me, of trying to protect innocent & naive (big judgmens on my part) people from the influence of spirits, as I realised a great many people dabbling in the spirit stuff, really had no idea of what was really going on, ( I myself, still did not really have a full picture of what was really going on, but a knowing somehow that others seemed to be like lambs to the slaughter, as far as the spirits that they were aligning themselves up with).  That people would believe somebody that they could not see, never really thought to ask the spirit much about themselves to get to know them personally, and in the excitement of being able to talk to a spirit, (I can do this!!!) and wanting to feel special.  I still had this in me but thought I was above that.
Feeling responsible for them, as I had become mysteriously, the “Chair Person” I called myself, of one of the Spiritual Churches  (leader, or “Reverend” without want of that title as I felt I didn’t really know much at all, and told them this regularly,  and wanted people to become more aware, by finding out more things about the universe themselves and through the Church, I could invite many and varied speakers who had information to help others expand their perceptions about Spirits & the Universe ).  I was feeling that they had no idea of what was really going on with spirits and seeing that I knew something that they did not, that it was my duty to protect them.  I was a Mother hen, projecting fear and condescension.   
Also not so long ago, 2006 when I was more aware of the information that a friend AJ that I had met from Adelaide, I invited him to be a speaker at this church,(and have been friends with ever since) I stopped doing the church after I met him.  AJ was sharing and teaching, and still is, with those who were interested.  At that stage I seemed to be getting the information and being able to apply it to my life. 
Although much of this was still at an intellectual level, not a soul level where this would change me rapidly, I only changed at a superficial level, and got better at keeping up my facade, and at some point that arrogance that I had not worked through emotionally reared its ugly head again to be dealt with or not.  I was in a position to be able to help people, but at some point lost my humble feelings that I am only a babe in this and do not know it all, and became arrogant and judgmental towards others whom I was “helping”, as if they weren’t as capable at grasping this information and applying it as me (where as looking back now, they were probably way more capable, because they were humble and I was not).  Everybody has God in this, it is up to them if they want God’s help though.
I was still in many addictions too in wanting to please others and doing the “right” thing, despite what I truly felt in my own injured soul.  I was wanting to “LOOK GOOD”.   I was not allowing myself to feel all of my inadequacies, of not having a clue what I can truly teach others, how I can help them, feelings of fear of other people looking up to me for answers, feeling that I have to have an answer for them, and not teaching them that they need to ask all of these things of God, which was the most important thing I forgot to mention. I was in an addiction of wanting others to look up to me instead of feeling my own feelings of feeling lesser than and unimportant.
All I needed to do was to point them in the direction of the way.  That is all.  To encourage them in wanting to get to know God personally, and growing such a desire, that all else will be taken care of.
Until recently, I could not understand what I had done wrong, where I had gone wrong.  I understood it on an intellectual basis, but not at the soul level, where I just feel into the remorse of what I have done and I fully understand.  I misjudged feelings coming to me from Yeshua of the GREAT DISSAPOINTMENT, that somebody who was initially promising, in being able to help others to learn these things he was teaching, ended up just not understanding what he was teaching at all, possibly being a reminder at the time for himself emotionally of the First Century, when those that he was teaching (his disciples), were just not getting it at all .........and the triggering of whatever his own emotional realisations of this where...............and the difference between somebody “remembering the second time around, and somebody learning it for the first time, but also that this person wanting to help others to learn, and that help, in the long run being of no help, wanting to stay in emotional addictions with people,  and wanting to keep up the facade, and not be truly humble to her feelings, THAT PERSON NOT HAVING LEARNED ANY OF WHAT HE WAS TEACHING (me that is, that person)......I feel so saddened that I have been like this and that I have been that emotional trigger for the remembrance of those feelings inside of Yeshua, and the harm of the projections and the “mis-teachings”, that I have caused others.  
In my damaged state, I felt the rejection of myself, misunderstood it, did not understand what it was Truly about, and had fallen into that childhood addiction of punishing myself for being naughty, ever since, instead of getting more deeply into, emotionally why I did it, what was the cause?
I was wanting to feel good about myself, and not wanting to feel lesser than others.  I forget exactly what the emotional memory was the exact one that got me there!!!
I am sorry if I still have this projection coming from me in any way,  I don’t want to hide any warts about me.   
Of course the most loving thing way to help the spirits too is to talk to them and tell them what you are doing and why, to tell them how that they can get more help from brighter Celestial Spirits, and telling them about God.  
Some spirits may not want this information and may want to keep hanging around with you when you have stopped your 30min treatment of a very uncomfortable type of feeling that the spirits cannot withstand, before they decide to de-tatch from you.  They cannot stand to have this feeling so they go away.  If you can help them while they are de-tatched from you, then by their own decision and now, knowledge, they will not come back. 
If you do not work through the emotions and emotional beliefs that are out of harmony with God’s Truth and Love, and your addictions to having spirit’s company with you, another spirit will just come on by and can get magnetically drawn to you via those unhealed emotions.    You would need to do the electromagnetic treatment 24/7, which by manual of the machine you can do it for 30 mins at a time with 30 mins break in between and up to 6 times a day and no more.  The spirits can still come back as soon you cease doing it.
The Doctors of Mental Health used to conduct electric shock treatment in the Mental Institutions years ago. The electromagnetic wave is gentle on the body and has great benefits to the meridians and is not traumatic to the patient, and can be very relaxing.  I turn it up so that I can feel the tingling effect and on some of the settings it is slightly uncomfortable so that I easily get into feelings.  At first it may be that I feel the uncomfortable feelings of the spirit, then that feeling becomes separate to me, and my own feelings, and I am able to easily express myself. I talk to God, my guides, and the spirit as well.
I am not sure if they do shock treatment to patients in mental institutions any more.   The patients,  who by the way are really only people who are affected by spirits, who choose in their soul, to feel the emotions of the spirits rather than their own emotions, who are very open to spirits influence and attack, to the point of where it is hard for that person to want stay connected to themselves.    There are many different types of drugs that are given to patients to numb them from their feelings and feeling the emotions of the spirits now days.   
I had been doing Reflexology on my own feet, and on others to access difficult emotions, as the sensitivity of the feet when you press into the acupressure points is very similar to the deep tissue massage for accessing emotions, but not as much strength is required by the massager.
 For a little while, I was unsure about using the electromagnetic foot wave massager, as I thought that I may go against the spirits freewill, but what about my freewill?  I had to take into account that this spirit is affecting my life and my unhealed emotions are also affecting that spirits life, and one of us, who is in more Truth needs to take the situation in hand, and that is loving.
Hearing a lady who was in conversation with another friend at the time ( I was generally in the room not part of the conversation, but a customer in the friends shop), the lady was a medium and addicted to wanting spirits to give her messages for other people (as I have been in the past, to get the persons approval, somebody to like me and look up to me,  and to feel that there is something special about me ) actually she was a reflection of me a few years back, and still a bit now, as she has sickness in her body and has no idea that the addiction to wanting the spirits to hang around with her, and their common emotional injuries keeps them in a magnetic bond that even when there is no longer an addiction to wanting the spirits hanging around, makes it hard for either person or spirit to break the bond unless each are aware of what is happening and both want to deal with their own emotions that are out of harmony with love, that draw them together magnetically. 
My feelings at the time were though that I would be wasting my time telling the lady what I knew, and that I would be breaking the Law of Freewill, as she was still really wanting to have the addictions with the spirits.  Although after a bit of contemplation just now, I feel that a loving thing I may be able to do is to talk with some of the spirits with her, and appeal to them, they may be able to encourage her will to slowly change , as they already know her well.  Next time I see the friend, I feel I will talk to him, as I feel he is more willing and open to hearing what information that I have to offer than what the lady herself was, he is a medium as well.  There are always ways of being able to help people, but those ways are governed by the persons own free will, and the Laws applying to FREEWILL.
Sometimes the spirit doesn’t even know why they are somehow attracted into a person’s life.  When you die, you don’t know any more than what you left the physical world with. So when we here on earth, and we learn some information that can be helpful to spirits to progress, we can share it with them, and it is great to learn for our own benefit most of all!!!
Sometimes the spirits do know what is happening, but do not really know the Truth of what their own emotional condition is, or that they don’t really need to be doing what they are doing and that they can actually have some help, that they are not beyond help, and that their soul can be fixed, it is not permanent damage!.........  Just emotions and beliefs!!!
 Some are just out to cause harm. Some are joined with a group that are out to cause harm, but are in fear if they don’t cause harm that the rest of the group will hurt them. So there are many Truths that we can help the spirits with, and if we don’t know these Truths, especially about the harm that they keep incurring to others that they attach to, their own soul’s, making it harder each time, growing away from progressing rather than to to grow towards love, we can  to direct them towards the Brighter Celestial Spirits, whom often the darker spirits have judgments about, or fear,  and God, who they often have judgments about, or fear, so we can help them to soften, to want that help that is there for each and every one of us. 
Often they may want to stay around the vicinity of you, but not necessarily attatched with you, as when you have fully experienced the emotion that drew them to you in the first place, they can no longer be attatched to you, there no longer is a “key to the door”.  They may want to watch your progression, with God and your emotions and what happens it looks like in your Aura when these emotions leave, what God’s Love entering into you looks like and what effect it has upon you, before they have enough trust in what has been said to them and wanting to try it for themselves. 
But the fact that they can see all the colours changing in your spirit body, is such an easy way to convince them that they can change and grow and feel better that what they are feeling now, when it is explained to them, they can see it, and you know the old saying “I’ll believe it when I see it”.  It is so much easier to help a person in the spirit world than a person on earth for this reason alone.  If the spirit can start to trust that they can be helped, than they are more likely to reach out for more help from the brighter spirits, who are bright because of the amount of Truth & Love in them.  It makes sense then, easily also to ask for help from the brightest spirit, if the brightness is the gauge of the amount of Truth and Love in them.
I was feeling some extreme pain in my ovaries last night, during the day I had just been at a Medievil Festival, I’d had a stall.  An old boyfriend asked me if I wanted to come and have a stall too. I realised recently I still had some sort of thing going on, the previous time I saw him, I received a hug,  there was still an element of sexual projection going on, and I didn’t say anything, I was in an addiction of getting some kind of acceptance from him, some attention some kind of “love”.  I still let him sexually project at me, and did not say anything.  And my partner was right there, and I did not say anything to him yet either, which I will need to remedy as soon as I can.
When I allow that, without saying anything, truthfully I am being unloving to myself, him and my partner.  I didn’t realise all of this until last night after my emotional processing. What causes me to do that?
Back to the day at the Festival.......... the whole day had elements of sexual projection.  There were 2 performances of different Belly Dance Groups.  So there were the projections from the female dancers and their spirits, the projections from the male onlookers and their spirits and the projections of the female onlookers and their spirits (I was one of them).  I felt ok, some emotions came up about a feeling of loss of my beauty, femininity and being able to express myself as a woman without being harmed (sexually projected at ).  I joined a belly dancers group at quite a few years ago now, for my own health and enjoyment, but I did not perform, as I was aware of others sexual projections, and didn’t know how to not have these projections harm me.
The ladies had beautiful costumes, with bare bellies, majority of people were stopped in their tracks, entranced.  The other things that happened in the day for me where people come up and thought that my friend was my partner, also men coming up to me and being nice but trying to please me, some being nice but a bit sleezy, I received a bunch of flowers from a old man (who said my old man gave him $50 to give these to him, referring to my friend, which he didn’t of course)......just feeling into some emotions here of missing out on having a real relationship with this friend.  It was cut short in its duration by 2 female friends at different times “having a little chat to him, on my behalf” (I had not asked them to chat to him at all).
Went into the bar and had a soda water with my friend, and recapped on the day before going home.  Another of his friends joined us.  They were both drinking beer and then some spirits joined in with himself & his mate,  & spirits projected at me sexually.  I went home.
Later when I was in the tremendous pain, having lots of realisations 
Firstly, if I am in pain, there is something out of harmony with love.  Yes I hadn’t gotten to the cause of why I still wanted my friend’s sexual attention, and how unloving that was to my partner.
Realisation of male spirits projecting at me, but what that feels like in reality, it doesn’t feel nice at all!!!!  It felt like violence towards my female parts.  Why, what emotion in me wants this, or why do I allow this to happen?  Why do I want a man’s attention or many males attention?
And also, the realisation of.........female spirits projecting angrily at my female parts.   Making me ask the question, why females?
Logically, some of the females angry at me and want to punish me for allowing men, other than my partner to project sexual feelings towards me,  punishment for still being open to wanting to be wanted by the friend, some not wanting me to be in a relationship with a male at all, some being angry at me for not wanting to be sexual towards other men, some angry at me for not falling into the trap of having sex with other men, or my friend, for not being an easily manipulated target any more, some angry at me for some jealousy of others freely expressing themselves sexually (not sure if I have fully expressed this last one, that is for the next time )
The cause...........
The emotions in me that it came to was something very simple, to the flavour of my receiving of love from dad was dependent upon what mum tells dad in her report for the day on how I have behaved, or us kids in general.  I felt into some childhood, resentment and anger of this, and my own realisation of that my unexpressed anger and my fear of mum’s disapproval of it, being directed at myself via my ovaries and uterus.  I have had a similar facet of this come up another time, though, this time feeling more of how much mum was able to control me by the actuality of being able to say whatever she wanted to, mum’s control of me receiving love from dad.  Her words had the power, and I was at her mercy of her words, had no control, no say, powerless to her.
In effect in me, desperation, to get love from a man, so my belief that I formed which was not truthful, was any attention is some form of “love” and I would gain their approval.  I had anger going out to women, from my belief in error, that they have all the say, if I get loved by a man or not.  Lots of grief, of feeling that I am not allowed to have dad’s love, without another woman’s say so.  Such deep grief that what she says about me can powerfully affect whether I get love from a man or not.  
This is a really powerful emotion that the women spirits have been able to connect with me, and control me and harm me, in my addiction to wanting to please mum, and not show anger towards her, and my addiction to harm myself with the expression of the anger, out of my fear of mum’s disapproval if I would show anger towards her.  But under the radar,  my unhealed emotions of anger and resentment has been going out to all women.
There is still also the feelings about my partner that I haven’t worked through yet either.  The hitting of Truth, and the Truth sinking in has not quite occurred yet.  He is away for a few days, hopefully I will work though some more of this.......Why do I need the approval of many men?  Is not the love of one man enough?  Also, why do I not truly want the love of one just one man?  What are my beliefs around this.....and no doubt I will meet more spirits.
It is really funny now looking back and seeing how truly ignorant that I was in thinking that I did not have as many spirits, as other people had!!!!!!  I am happy to say that unfortunately I still have bus loads it seems, but I do not see it as such a hindrance, and if it LOOKS BAD to others, well I can’t help what they think of me.  In the end, they are a help really, in the way that they all have emotions that I share with them and this gives me a realisation that I must have either the same in me or the opposite.  And we can both help each other!  And I have an opportunity to act in love, to express my love, and to grow in love!!!!  My Law of Attraction, what I attract in my life to trigger certain emotions and heal them.............it ain’t bad!  I am starting to really appreciate it and I am liking it!!
Seems never ending, but it has taken me 49 years to get out of harmony, so one would expect it would take a few years to get back into harmony.......................Milly J