Feeling that I really wanted to go to a One Day Workshop on Raw Foods Preparation, but feeling like I can’t have it, or do it, as I have no money sitting in my hand right now to pay for it. A friend offers to Gift it to me, which was nice but all sorts of feelings came up about that.....so I needed to go there!
Feelings like I didn’t deserve what I wanted, and not feeling like I deserved the Gift. Feelings went also along the vein, that somehow I don’t want to live, to take the responsibility to feed and care for myself is too hard, wanting to give up on myself. Powerless. Felt a lot of feelings around somebody hearing my voice and caring for what I wanted (wanting that, so I could avoid how I really felt ). Also a realisation of how addicted that I could become with that type of relationship. Some awareness too of the spirits in my life giving to me, when I was feeling that mum or dad or God didn’t, and how easily addicted I had become to them.
Also afterwards though, I felt that I would like to take action myself, book my own place, and see what emotions came up and my law of attraction as to whether or not I ended up being able to pay for it myself.
It didn’t seem loving on my part to be relying on somebody else (and taking from them what they may need, not trusting that my own ability to give to myself ), to give me what I wanted, relying on a “middle man”, a mum or a dad to give me what I was “allowed” or “deserved” (and feel punished or rewarded ) to have and then in my addictions, and belief systems to feel like I have to give back to that person what they wanted in return for their generosity. (Although that person may not have had anything that they wanted from me, or felt that they had to repay something that I had provided).
That was yesterday, today the feelings went into spirits having control of my life, via my uterus.
The trigger event was a dream the night before. I was just relaxing, receiving a hug from an ex boyfriend, and my current partner was there, feeling very uncomfortable and upset. I had woken up and felt upset that I had wanted the hug from that now friend, and it was satisfying and empty feeling in me, that I didn’t feel when I was with him in the old relationship, and there was a sexual element to it. I didn’t know if I was actually interacting with him in my sleep state, or whether it was a spirit (seeing in me the unhealed emotions....the colour of it in my spirit body ) and providing those feelings to me that I wanted satisfied.
Next evening while I was watching TV, I had a realisation of a spirit wanting to get back control of me via my uterus, as it swelled up slightly and felt tense. (intellectually, I felt that this tenseness was unexpressed fear of the spirit, although I did not allow myself to feel it ).
In the past, spirits, via my unhealed emotions about men, have aided me to do some not so loving things in having affairs. I have not done any of that sort of thing for years, although still have the injury, and I feel I am being pushed into thinking about that ex boyfriend (by spirits), as thinking about sharing my sexual energy is almost the same as actually doing the act. This is my Law of Attraction,(God’s messenger of Truth ) telling me the truth of the feelings and emotional beliefs yet to be felt through, still in my soul. Also feeling the panic of spirits wanting to grasp onto me, as their connection to the earth, and their way of getting away from their own feelings via me, having their own addictions met by me as their enabler.
They have seen quite a few other spirits no longer having a hold onto me anymore, and are fearful of letting go of the life they seem to have some of control over, not wanting to move into the spirit world fully by disconnecting with the earth sphere, wanting to stay earth bound. Fearful that they will not have any way of controlling their experiences in whatever is beyond, that they do not understand. (This is where I can come in and explain some things to them, if they want to hear them ).
Back to why I would want a man who is not my partner, who used to be, to give me a feeling that I feel is lacking in me, to cover it over, to blank it out for a short moment, to avoid feeling. (spirits really aiding me in not wanting to experience the seemingly simple enough feelings......these ones must have a lot of emotional pain attatched to them, that I am afraid of being connected to my body to fully experience them ).
I have had to tell my partner, and want to feel into my shame and why I am wanting sexual energy from another man, to get some feeling of “Love” satisfied. What aren’t I getting from my current partner that I am addicted to, that the spirits can try to manipulate and give to me, to keep hold of their grasp of me, or why do I need several men to give me my addiction?
Why do I want to be unloving to my partner? Why isn’t one man enough? Why isn’t my soulmate, the other half of me enough? Am I addicted to a man that doesn’t want me, as opposed to having a man with me in my life (my current partner, who actually does want me!!!!!) Why would I want to be not really wanted....a familiar feeling......getting some form of emotional satisfaction in a hug from an ex-partner, who never really wanted me when I was with him, covering a feeling in me so that I don’t feel my grief of feeling that he never really wanted me, that dad never really wanted me. Still wanting to believe that dad wanted me. (This is a journal, which helps me see the where I am headed next in my emotional journey). That pit of grief of that one, still has not been emptied yet!
The feelings this morning were a combination of these 2 trigger events that I mentioned.
It is interesting how the 2 events seemed to pair up, feeling into both mum and dad stuff in my relation to God, as God is both masculine and feminine and has both masculine and feminine Love to share with me.
Shutting down my emotions, my soul, my sensitivity to spirits, in my belief that I can make them go away, but then I can’t feel God as a presence. If I can’t feel my feelings then I can’t connect to God. I can only try to be satisfied through my physical body in my wake state, getting hugs and approval, or my spiritual body, through interacting with spirits, and people in sleep state.
Feeling like I won’t be able to get past my addictions, shake of spirit influence, that it is too hard. Feeling like I will never be able to get to God, to be “good enough” for God, some self defeating emotions, wanting to give in, it is too hard. Others are getting there, but I am not good enough ( telling myself that I am not good enough, being in some effect emotions rather than the real emotions that caused those beliefs....takes me off on another self deceptive tangent ) That I need God’s approval, on whether I am good in man’s terms, which is not the Truth, showing me that I still do not understand in my soul, God’s Love for me yet.
Angry at God for not making the spirits go away. Angry at mum and dad that they would not make the spirits go away (and they did not believe me, and ignored me, were condescending to me & belittled me ) Fearful of the spirits, and very much grief & fear about them being in my life and the effect they seemed to have upon me, that everybody else was oblivious, or knew how to handle it, and that nobody seemed to care, do anything, talk about it, notice, and a great deal of powerlessness to it all.
With my addiction to wanting to be held, to be soothed, to make the feelings go away, rather than to be experienced.............
Nobody hears me
My voice and what I desire is not important to any one
I am unimportant
Had some unexpressed baby or toddler rage come out, about not being allowed to have what I wanted, I don’t know what exactly it was, whether it be food when the moment I felt the hunger pangs, and feeling totally powerless as to whether I have somebody that can relieve that feeling in me.
Wanting a Physical God in the Flesh, or God to have a Spirit Body, Still not understanding the Soul
I have been wanting God to have a physical presence or a spirit body presence, so that I can feel that God is real, and grieving that as well. Having it all on my terms, my demands. Not wanting to understand and feel the Truth in my heart of how I can have a relationship with God, to put into practice what I have been intellectually learning.
Wanting God to make all the moves, to give to me!!!!!! Not wanting to take the steps towards God, demanding that I be loved. Where is the learning of Love is a Gift, in my injured little child in me. To play it how I have learned though my emotional beliefs in error, that I learned in my life time so far, and the emotions that I received on incarnation while in the womb.
Only wanting God to fill my addictions, so that I don’t feel how unloved I feel, not really wanting God how God actually is, not accepting God, judging God. Not seeing the Tuth about God, not understanding the Truth in my heart(which still carries the injured child’s damaged beliefs), only in my intellect, and really still wanting my addictions met by God.
Wanting God as my pacifier a dummy, to be spat out whenever I felt like it. Which God won’t ever do, or become. Not being able to be soothed anymore, talked to intellectually by spirits, or people, out of my feelings which is a good thing, but somehow missing being able to get away from my feelings....... so I can be soothed by falseness and white lies, and ignorance and pretence.....but it no longer being of any satisfaction, or holding any truth, being easily seen through. Which is good as I actually want to see the Truth, but part of me doesn’t want to always fully feel it. (bummer)
And that is what stops me receiving and feeling God’s Love, absorbing that reality into my soul. My errors first need to leave me as an emotional experience, that I finally want to fully feel, to empty out the “container full” (my soul) so that the Love can come into that container, so that Love can come into me the way that God has Love for me, the way that in my mind, God has and endless supply, in quantity and the qualities of the Love that God wants to express to me. I can’t feel more Loved, until I am in a state of letting more Love in, that container (my soul) can’t be filled.
Unless I want to let go emotionally of my addictions to what I believe ”love” is, I will only ever be able to imagine the width and breadth of God’s Vast Love(which is ok too, as this imagination is there to help me to grow my faith and desire, but sad if I don’t use it to my advantage)
To understand in my heart, the reality of a soul to soul Love surpasses by far the natural “love” that I have learned on this earth, and to fully realise in my soul that I can experience God’s Love in my condition right now (more recognition of the reality of my own soul ). ....only this belief & demand in the way.
My guides are telling me to keep fostering a desire to not give up, that eventually if I want it enough, I will rid myself of these addictions, these spirits, (but also be aware of their value to be the sign posts, to show me the road home, these emotional beliefs will change in my soul, my soul will change and grow ever more towards Love and become more in harmony with God’s Love.... and I will feel God’s Love more and more.
My Guides let me know at some point too, while I was feeling earlier, not to get into the trap of replacing God with the foot massager that I have been recently using, and having great benefits from relief from spirits. (me wanting to take things into my own hands and be in some sort of control, and not wanting to feel my feelings about what it feels like to have earth bound spirits and the wide variety of other spirits continually there).
God's love entering into your soul has such a great effect on the emotions that are out of harmony with love. The amount of Love can be increased with your desire for it, your desire to feel Truth and desire to be humble and your willingness to feel every emotion. When the amount of Love being recieved is increased, then more emotional belifes that are disharmonious with love can leave, and the spirits along with these emotional beliefs. If you can feel into why you are not so willing, then the emotions that are disharmonious with love can flow. If you can do it with increasing amounts of God's love entering your soul, the whole process will quicken, over a decreasing of a period of time, your progression, will progress faster, rather than being such a battle.
The unwillingness only stifles these emotions, and only lets out controled portions of emtoions, and lets in controled portions of Truth and Love. The Love cannot flow in in geater quantities. You can only feel a portion of the Love that is available to you when you willingness for Truth, Love and to be humble is not there so much.
The foot massager bucks the spirits off for a while to help you to be able to feel you willingness. Rembering though, They are your "Law of Attraction" Some thing in you is affraid to feel as you get closer to feeling those causes of those beliefs that you have formed, which helps the spirits to help you not to feel, you want that.
Ask God why you don't want to feel, talk to God about what you are affraid of.....
Remember to talk to God, to pray with every feeling that you feel.
Thank you beautiful guides, why didn’t I feel to allow your voice through me earlier, although I have felt your presence, as a guide to my words and topic.(I did have to correct at some points when I din't quite write down what these beautiful spirit where trying to convey to me.
And I appologise if I still have not quite got it right.
As far as names of spirits go, and content, I still have fears of getting it all wrong, so ask God and your Guides when reading this message, and all of the things that I write, they will help to correct my failings.
Milly :)
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