Wednesday, 28 December 2011

Using a Lack of Love as an Excuse to be Unloving

I find I have been using that I have a lack of love in me as an excuse.  An excuse to be unloving, to stay unloving, cause “I don’t know how to love yet” and to not desire or want to believe that I can receive love from God, a belief that I need to be perfect, before I can be loved, it is all so convenient, to believe that I cannot change, so then I don’t even try, let alone learn to trust the process that God has created for us to learn to love and to receive God’s Love.
I have been looking after a garden for a friend, who has had to be away from her garden that she and her partner love dearly.  It feels like a baby, and an honour to learn how to care for it.  To Gift it my love!  I might get it wrong!!!!  I might have some deaths,  or I might help it to sustain it’s life, and even to grow!!!!!
In this, I am learning my parents, though not perfect in God’s Love, did have man’s natural love inside of them, they gave me the gift of the love that they had inside of them that they had at that point in time to give to me, even though it may have been damaged!   I realise that I did not give my child the gift of love, (my only child, that I aborted ).  I did not take on the responsibility of caring and nurturing and growing the little baby inside of my belly, that had such potential to become a magnificent growing garden,  that at some point in time it would be up to her then to become the drought hardy one, the food bearing one, or the tranquil, soul feeding one, or the many other types of gardens there can be.  I have talked about her in previous posts) And here I am the child in me still crying in my addiction demand to feel loved, instead of just grieving, a feeling in me of not feeling loved,  until it is no more of that feeling there and then accepting a Truth from God about the love, recieving it into my heart.
 Seeing the unlovingness in my judgement of them, through the reflection of my caretaking of this treasured child (the garden).  I am not perfect in God’s Love, I see this as a long way off, and yet I am still capable of some sort of love!  The garden is not quite as scary as the caretaking of a baby! 
At the moment, I just water it.  I did not create it, I do not have to do all the hard physical work of digging, preparing, planting, I have done this on my own property in the past, transforming a bush block into a place where there is something quite nice, but it is not as Loved like this garden I am watering at the moment.  I even received some love back from this garden today, in the bounty of strawberries ripe to pick and eat!  I must say though, I did feel guilty in receiving this love!
I also visited another garden today.  This garden has been really loved as well, it reflects that love that it has received back to you.  It does not have food for the body growing in it, but it has food for the soul in it’s beauty, and tranquillity!
I did have this passion inside of me once, to dig, prepare and plant.  But something had died in me.   My strength melted away, my body can only do the physical work of the watering now.  I used to only do the hard physical work before, having a hardy garden that could withstand drought and look after itself. I only did enough watering to sustain the plant for a short period of time,  until it was strong enough to cope itself.  I never used to grow plants that were food plants, as they took too much nurturing, I believed that I could not do that.
My mother is an avid gardener, and she spends lots of time watering her garden, and has great success with her plants and has many varieties.  I do not have so many varieties, as some of them that are not suited, at some point in time have disappeared.   I have felt that I have been a failure in comparison,  and why bother to try to get any better at it.
Is this another metaphore.  That I have a belief in me from my childhood that I can never be as good at "loving" as my mother can?  Many things as the little child that I was not as good at doing.  I had to be good to get the approval, the “love”.  And then when I find out via my emotional processing that I didn’t actually feel loved much,  pretty much feeling disapproved of, nothing like the Love of what God has for me, at all. 

"Love is a Gift"

God just showers Love at me, like a fountain, like a waterfall, it is there all of the time, just waiting for me, to want it.   But I only wanted mum’s “love”.  But mum is not God, she is human, just like me, has emotional beliefs inside of her, just like me, in fact I inherited these from her.   I believed that she was a God, my little world revolved around getting mummy to love me. I did not really know much about God,  or God’s love didn’t seem to count in this relationship I had going, the mother that gave me my physical body, and took on the responsibility of caring for it, until I could care for it myself.  Neither she or I knew that God is my true parent, that as my caretaker, she is my sister,& my father is my brother, just as every other person is my sister or brother, and that we are the world’s children.
The baby requires so much nurturing, feeding, watering.......until it is capable of looking after itself a bit more each time it becomes more capable,  feeding itself, dressing itself, brushing it’s own hair, caring for it’s own environment,  preparing it’s own food,    But then does it believe it can do it for itself, does it want to do it for itself?  Here I am still a big baby, not wanting to do all that, still wanting to stay in the addiction of mum!  Being needy, projecting my needy - ness to all motherly type women! “ Look after me, I am not capable of doing it, I need somebody more capable to look after me!”  Mum wanted to feel like she was a good mum,  and nurture, and feed and water!   I didn’t know about God though, that God was my true parent, and mum did not know to teach me that either. She wanted to keep feeling needed, and wanted “love” although probably quite sick of the “needyness” coming from me to get her “love”.  (I was the last of 3 children)

When I first thought about looking after the garden, I thought I had nothing to give, so that I would not even bother to offer.  After some contemplation, and feeling what I desired though, I soon found that I did have something to offer, something quite precious, and something that has helped me to cry into feelings inside of me about my own inability, of feeling like I  do not know how to nuture!
God and my guides are such great teachers!  I am so glad I listened to my feelings! (which they helped me and encouraged me with to gain this valuable lesson )  I know in my head that I have been one sided in my DEMANDS for love, "that I should be loved", and not truly realising that my unlovingness in my demand!  Love is a Gift!  Love is not a co-dependant thing,  that we have all been taught that love IS.  It is just given from the heart, with no expectations, just given from Love!

Friday, 23 December 2011

Staying in My Body, while feeling my Fears & Emotions, The Key, I have been finding, to not having spirits influencing me

God, through my Guides were teaching me about my relationship with spirits this morning, well they are trying to constantly, but I only just “got it “ today......although AJ has been telling us these things in many of the seminars ....look up  if you haven’t already, there is so much useful content in all of the talks, even if you are not into God, there are many topics about Love, Truth,  human relationships, Universal Truth, Topics about spirit influence, developing your mediumship, and also how all of these topics can be investigated logically.
I have been so afraid of angry women spirits, who I feel attacking me through other women on earth who are angry.   So I am afraid of them too.  If the women on earth did not have the anger that the spirits hook into, this I have no control over whatsoever,  the women spirits could not harm me.  My fear goes out to all women, here on earth and in the spirit world and generally out to the environment, plants, animals, the earth, etc,  get my drift....So I am definitely out of harmony with Love for starters, if I am in fear, I am not Love!!!!!
I can only change myself, though, and I can do this by feeling the cause of the fear (inherited genetically from the genetic physical body & genetic spirit body the parent created to house my soul, childhood events and experiences.  If I did not have the fear inside of my soul, or if I wasn’t living in the fear, and instead of just experiencing it....the fear of the angry women on earth and in the spirit world, I would not be damaged in any way from their projected emotions, as my soul would not have any holes in it, for that projection to enter into me and harm me.   I have mentioned the spirit influence in many other previous posts if you haven’t read them and you do want to read them.  I know that I have posted about this topic many times recently, this is the area in my life that has the most effect on my life,  a crucial place to get to for me, and I do much emotional processing in between each post.   I am hoping there will be changes in my posts when I get through this crucial time!
I felt deeper into my fear this morning, than I have ever been.  I got into some baby/child rage too, but at the same time there  was much fear of feeling like, not ever allowed to express it, and afraid of it.   
I realised too, that I would just escape so quickly and go out of body, so as not to feel the full extent of the emotions that I was not allowed to feel, and afraid of feeling how horrible it feels like being in my feelings, experiencing me, my life.   So my key here is to stay as connected to my body as I can, breathe deeply, and just before I am about to go out of body to avoid the full expression of the emotion,  that way I stay connected to my bodily expression of my feelings, they don’t feel far off, and I actually experience them.

When I go out of body, that leaves my driver’s seat vacant for a spirit to enter, and I am more likely to want to connect to their emotions, as they are not mine,  I am distanced, it seems automatically easier to feel theirs, but  not realising that it is their emotions that I am feeling.  This having happened since I was very young, I have never really known what my true feelings are. .....or should I say, not wanted to know, and have been very afraid of them.
I am also realising that I want to punish me.  That’s what you do, everybody has taught me to, I must be really bad, I feel really bad...............I was able to feel how bad I feel , how bad it feels, feeling like me, this morning.  
I am not sure if in another  post that I mentioned it feels far worse to feel the soul condition of the spirit/s that over cloak me when I choose to exit.   It isn’t that bad really feeling these terrible feelings inside of me,  as they just seem to come out ,when experienced, like the steam coming out of the boiling water, and if left, all the water gets turned into steam and them evaporates,  that’s what it feels like, so it becomes such a relief! 

These  horrible feelings are not who you are, which as the child, we believe with all our heart.  As the child,  we do not yet have that ability to be able to say, nah that’s not the Truth about me! So both Truth and Error enter our soul’s as Truth, when we are children and just believe what the environment tells us about ourselves wholeheartedly.  So much so that we even want to punish ourselves for it, and not even aware of that either!
So here I am with this emotion inside of me that I deserve to be punished, logically I am going to attract spirits that want to punish me.   The key to not having the spirit influence IS all about removing these emotional beliefs about ourselves that our childhood environment placed upon us, by experiencing them fully, until they are gone, evaporated, no longer inside of that pot, that vessel, that soul.
Anyway, this is how I am choosing to progress, if it makes sense to you, have a go!
I have been realising too, that it is so much harder to do all of this if I do not have Faith and Trust in the process that our true parent created for us, and the Loving Laws of God that support us in this getting back to becoming our pristine selves our souls were created and learing from the "Horses mouth" from our True Parent, about His Love and Truth.  That it all starts to become way more black & white, plain to "see". Up until this point in my life I  have only absorbed from man's point of view(mum & dad's and soiciety & my own damaged beliefs about it), man's idea of "Love"  man's "Laws", and man's "Truth" which leaves many shades of grey areas. 
I saw, quite plainly in my emotions whilst processing in the shower, my True prisitne self, that God Created, in an image, this beautiful me, that I could only glimpse, but could not get to know, as she, my pristine self was in one of those glass jar "snow scene" creations you pick up in tourist shops, fairy scenes, and Christmas scenes.  Feeling the prison of my fearfull beliefs, like a physical cage, in my believing them in my damaged child's heart, that I am "not allowed" to be that person/soul who IS me in that pristine state that God created,  my soul to be.  All I need do is to drop this cage, constructed from fear,  surrender into how I feel, experience all about what it feels like to be me in this body at this moment, surrender to the grief, surrender to God...........well that's my endeavour, much in the mind still,  I'll see how I go with my True Hearts Desire, and see how rapidly or slowly I move towards this!

Here are some extremely useful things to read
Go to the Divine Truth Website - AJ Miller, or God's Way of Love, and look up Spirit Mediumship By Mary Magdalene, dated the 3rd of Feb 2011, 1pm, "Protection from negative spirtit influence", from Mary's spirit Guide Rachael. 

And an email from AJ answering a persons question, about processing unworthyness emotions.

Thursday, 15 December 2011

Every Time I Shed a Layer of Beliefs That Are Not In Harmony With Love

I really enjoyed creating this Image!  The bark I collected a week or so ago, I found it at the Duckponds in Gympie.  Since then, I noticed that many trees been shedding their bark too! 

If I stop for just one moment,  and realize just now, what I have done.....I have changed something for good, in my soul!  Although I cannot see it,  if I just stop, breath, and stay connected to my feelings, I can feel it!

This change gives me FAITH, to keep going, and increases my desire to want to do it more!

Mill :)

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

"Dear Godette"

I have Felt the reality of God's Masculine Love,
but have been having trouble with God's Feminine Love

Dear Godette,

I just coined that name for You, the feminine side of God, after processing some emotions to do with the Truth of Mum just not having the love inside of her to Give, and that I did not feel loved by her as a child.  I can now feel that part of You God, as a reality, and that there is love there waiting for me. I feel that I did receive some of Your Love today while I was processing some emotions and having some emotional realisations of the Truth, but still have an unwillingness to be going wholeheartedly into desiring Your Love, or I would be feeling you more.

The emotional reasliations that I got to today were, that I had a different upbringing from my mum, my genetic mother, provided to the best of her ability what she didn’t get, and wanted me to have, that she would have liked to have had,  when she was a child.

I inherited her feelings though, the ones like, having to try and try and try to get noticed and be a “good girl” so that you will get the “love” from your mother, but no matter how hard you tried, you didn’t get it, or the attention, or the praise, or the encouragement, or the acknowledgement of who you are.... Just the blame for “making” mum feel  how bad she felt when she was a child that she did not want to feel, that I reflected to her. Mum wanted to sing, so I found out the other day, she was quite angry in that she did not get any help or acknowledgement from her parents.  She also liked art, and wanted to be an artist.  I guess she thought having a family put an end to her dreams.  I don't remember being praised by mum, for a job well done, just what I had done wrong really.  Maybe she talked me up to her peers, and bragged, to her older sister, who she seemed to be in a competition with of whose kids were better than whose, same role play from childhood. I had feelings too, that I was not very intelligent. I think that mum and aunty Joan, had an intellignece thing going on too!  I feel mum had going, if her children weren't viewed by others as being impressive, than she was of not much worth as a mother.

Well, I got into my fears like...... no matter how hard I tried that I would never be good enough, that God would not want me, because I am not good enough, the rage that I am not loved, that I am USED,  to blame for how she unimportant, that I am nothing.....put here on earth with a job to be mum's emotional punching bag....more fears, fear of having anger inside of me that I am not allowed to express, affraid of fear (mum & dad) , that I am affraid to express.

Got into how I have acted in my life, with these feelings inside of me, felt the Truth of mum had no love inside of her to give,  and yes, I too had no love inside of me to give to my own unborn daughter, Melody Joy, who I aborted, and to my horse Princess, (my recent Law of Attraction event ) who has shared my life for the last 20yrs and died last Thursday, who had been slowly getting thinner & thinner, and nothing that I did seemed to help her. Emotionally or taking care of  the symtoms wise. (AJ's latest talk on the Law of Cause & Effect, speaking to me volumes here)

Doing the same as mum, I blamed Princess, for my feelings that I did not want to feel. same as I blamed my unborn child, instead of working through all  of the feelings being triggered by these events.

Not wanting the responsibility, a biggie!   I was fearful about many things (both horse and child ) she would die, fearful that I would be publicly shamed, RSPCA, or court, finned, fearful that she would be taken off me, fearful that I would have no money left soon to buy her food and care, fearful that she would suffer greatly if she lasted till wintertime.  Many of these emotions I had been feeling into since the start of Princess being unwell. It did not seem to change the outcome though, there always seemed to be another event that would happen that would hold her back from putting on more weight. There were lots of emotions to do with me as a child, a chucking up babe, and later in life when I couln't put weight on.

Also, there was some unfelt emotions about my mothers horse that was old and going to die at some point in time soon, that she had nowhere to put & asked to move the horse onto my property to be with my 2 horses, to spend the rest of its days with some company, as she had sold her property when she moved to be nearer to me in her own old age.  That way she swould have somebody to check on her, instead of being alone in her home town and fearing that she would die in her house and nobody would notice her for days, or weeks. (I've just noticed that there is still more emotions to feel into with this projection of fear from mum)  the horse died, (had to be put down ) and I felt it was my fault, that I was to blame 

There seemed to come to me a great deal of generational emotions, about children, about animals, and also my own fears that I cannot cope with the responsibility, looking after a child, caring for a sick horse. who would love me and comfort me? Make me feel better?

Some of these emotions I have been feeling my way into during the time that Princess had been keeping on losing weight and getting skinnier. The "Not Feeling Loved " projection feeling responsible for every bit of upsetness of my mum, & the burden of that feeling that I am to blame somehow,  huge terror of this terrible feeling, if I go there, I might die, (I would rather die than feel the full extent of it, I am realising, and lots of wanting to punnish myself - Is yet to be felt through )  not feeling loved, simplly not wanting to feel that, but doing the same as my mum, blaming my daughter and my horse for these feelings that I feel when I am faced with this predicament, the emotional beliefs inside of me causing me to choose these terrible actions of aborting, putting down, and not feeling my feelings, projecting my feelings onto the innocent,  blaming, in avoidance.   Get rid of it, get it over & done with, all to avoid. 

Princess was around 27yrs old, not a bad age for a horse so I've been told......the action of putting her down did ease her suffering immediately, which was a loving action,  but it helped me to see in me too, an element that I also wanted to end her life quickly too, because I didn't want to feel my feelings of how guiltly I felt that she suffered because of my feelings of not being able to interelated with the feelings around the choice to abort my daughter as well. Get it all over with, forgotten, then when it is not in your face you can forget about it, and maybe the guilt will not be there in my face as well.

It really sunk in today, the action of both of these events.  What I did.  I feel I really stepped into owning what I did, why I did it.   Plain & ugly as it is.   I realised these emotions being physically felt in my body. I felt deeply in my heart of where the cause in me came from, and the realisation in my heart that my mother just didn’t have that love in her to give, that I didn't have the love in me to give. And that was the Truth of it all, felt this Truth emotionally and that it is so logical!! God was showing this to me, I wasn’t even there in my mother’s childhood to cause these feelings within her, so how could I be to blame for her feelings, and that we had both blamed the innocent!!!!!! 

In an earlier post, I mentioned, my mother had made my teenage sister have an abortion, my sister had another abortion when she was older, which I supported her in driving her there and back. I felt emotionally & bodily today too, my part in my sisters 2nd abortion, how sorry I was about my aid in ending her life.

A few years back,  my mother decided to move to the same area that I live in and be part of my life again, I realised that was the same timing as me starting to have some illnessess.  Some I have worked through emotionally and they have gone.  Some have degenerated.   I have felt so depleted  and more exhausted,  I had given away work, feeling, my body feeling fatigued and failing. I listend to a talk AJ gave about being so much in your addictions to please another that the soul gets sick, so that you have to stop giving and pleasing. That has been my addiction, to my detrement, of not wanting to give it up. So here I am on this strange knife edge.

I think the initial trigger for todays processing, was just some words that AJ said in a General Discussion DVD, “Questions and Answers Part 1 Feb 2010, Buderim, Qld”. He was talking about his fear now in this century, that he died in the first century because people thought he was arrogant, they did not understand the Truth of his words, the people thought he was saying that he was God, when he was saying he was the son of God, (just as we all are God’s Children ) and their thinking that “he was trying to say that he was better than them”. This was an instant trigger into mum’s Jealousy of Me. When I do my passions, my art & my singing, anything I enjoy and encell in, mum gets jealous she has never told me that she is proud of me (unloving projection from me!) I got the piano lessons, I was allowed to go to choir, I went to College to do Art, I got all the opportunities that my mother did not get! The feeling that has been in me, that I have had all these opportunities, but I still will never please my mother, even if I was a “success”. God does not feel this way about me, in my striving to please, to no end it seems, I am so out of harmony with Gods Truth & Love.

Sounds strange? It has all become clear though emotionally to me now, I didn’t quite understand it until now though. I had opportunities that she didn’t get to have in her life. Although she did want to, she had a desire to provide some opportunites that she didn’t get herself, a life for me that supported bringing me out of myself, I was extremely shy, but a natural singer and artist. She did not get these things, or these opportunities, herself as a child or now,  because of being a mother. One hand giving, but the other hand taking. Although encouraged, crushed at the same time! It does sound strange! 

She did not work through her emotions of this and projected all of these feelings of blame onto me, which caused me to believe that it was my fault how she felt. I was very good at singing and art, they were my passions, but I felt I was never going to be good enough no matter how hard I tried to please her and do what she wanted, so that she would feel good about herself.

But instead of feeling how bad I feel about myself and the grief of this, I got into some addictive relationships with some spirit mothers, who had experienced similar things in their own childhood. In thiese addictive relationships we coul all avoid how we felt. I could avoid my emotions by being soothed and placated by these women spirits, and they could feel good about themselves (Angry women spirits who are angry at their own mothers and affraid to feel their feelings of fear and grief). The fact that I have these angry women spirits with me that are angry at their own mothers, shows me that I share common emotions with them, for them to be able to be with me.
Godette, I feel you are real.....

Mum and these spirits do not want me to break these addictive bonds of me being the "good girl" and jumping through the exhausting hoops in pleasing , making them feel better about themselves, and me feeing "loved". They do not want me to stop, otherwise they may have to go back to feeling how bad they feel about themselves. They do not want me to outsource love either, they are very jealous of me receiving any love from anywhere else. They do not want me to get loved by or to love God, as they will feel they no longer have a purpose, if they are not a “mothering", who are they anymore.

I am finding it hard to break these bonds, as I do get punnished when I don't please.  I feel very used! I feel like mum does not really want to know me as an individual, Milly, she only wants to know me as her child, her creation, the one who was put on earth to make her feel good about herself, she is very possessive, has emotional investments in me.  She does want me to be a success in my art and music career, then something in her will feel fullfilled, yet at the same time somthing in her feels like she has missed out and all the rest of  the projected emottions. I feel great pressure too, that I will fail her, that I am a bad daughter, and never make her feel like she is a good mother. 

In my not wanting to go fully into this feeling of grief, that mum does not love me, I prefer to stay in these addictions of pleasing. But my body is tired. In my soul there must be a feeling where I do not want to do it anymore, and if I get sick, then I can’t do it anymore! I know that mum used to get sick every month with migranes, (her own soul not wanting to do all the hard work of pleasing everybody anymore, & also a tool to manipulate others so they will appreciate the work that she has done, and to care for her). So part of me must want this as well. So I guess the next part is, to feel is my grief of not feeling cared for, noticed for what I do do, appreciated.

But I am thinking if I am not feeling it, I must not want to, and I must want to hold on to my resentment of this a bit longer, probably some childhood anger, but some fear of that, and some fear of the bottom pit of grief,  as this is one of the BIG ONES for me.  I want to avoid more of my fear of not feeling loved by mum. Dammm and blast, (I got that saying from Nikos in Greece)

I feel quite a bit emptied though, now after this processing today, just the same, I feel good, that I have a growing desire more now to get to know the feminine part of God! I  am aware now,  in my heart that she does exist! She is there waiting for me to want her Love! This desire in me has taken a turn for the better, something in me has just changed, just today!  My desire for my True Mothers Love is growing!
from your child, Milly

Sunday, 11 December 2011

Birth of a Babe

Poem I wrote in June 2011

A water birth, slipping silently
Into this world, the senses
not turned to the harsh radio channel
Of mankind's world.

3 minutes of calm at least
rest from being squeezed out
of the birth canal.
Still connected to the oxygen
that feeds you without thinking

Learn to breathe babe!
Breath, what is it?
Needing it, but it feels strange
when it kick starts something new

All these new things
waking me up from my floating dreams
I am outside the dream
I am coming up to the
surface of the water

I feel on the outside of my mother
It is so different,
she is more distant
but I still feel her
I am not surrounded by her though
I feel less secure.
but I am on her chest
Nestled to her breast
and I am comforted

This world is ok so far
but everything is new
Air, noise, brightness, breath
touching, being touched,
cold, hot, voices are louder
not far off
Feelings of others hit me straight away

The Awakening

On the brink
I can feel it there
The true me
Not wanting to be
Kept in that cage any more

The old me
Affraid to let that creature out
There will be no going back
Why aren't I ripping open that door

Am I affraid that
I wont exist anymore
This person full of error
And trapped in fear!!!

I have that key
I had it all along
That's trickey
I've got the key
To the whole city

Come on, you can do it
Turn it, my hands shake
I fear that I will be lost
And I will no longer exist

That I will be a tool
Again for somebody elses use
Like it has always been
So I still want to be
In that cage for safe keeping
.....a false sense of security!!!

God, you offe me freewill
How can I be so blind
Fear blinds me to Love
"They" say Love is Blind
That is FAR from the truth
Affraid of You, who is only LOVE

I put my head in the sand
Each time I do not want to
See it, the Truth, the key
Your Love for ME
To help my soul to break
The mould that traps it
And stops it, compresses
And shrinks it, chokes it

I want to expand
But the fear of coming out
Of that CAGE is great
I remember last time
My soul expanded from
My cot, experiencing the world

At first, Your Love so great in me
Coming out of my HANDS
And my FEET and my HEART
So in my baby state
I could experience this
FEELING everything

I remember that moment
My first encounter of that PAIN
Of anothers judgement of me
Coming to me so intensely
I quickly learned to hide inside
It is my soul I denied

And now 47 years later....
Here I am at that cage door
That has left me helplessly
Stuck inside
No protection, really

Just stuck on that spot
For anybody to just
Prod and poke me
I only get the world
Through them now, too

I don't even know what I feel
In that state
Kept too busy trying to
Get them to stop
To dance for them
To be the puppet
The chirpy bird
All for what?

Hey, my food is empty
My water is gone
I have made myself dependant
Upon others for all of my needs

Even your love can only get to me via them

I blame them
When they don't give to me
And to look after me well
I have that key in my pocket you know

Responsibility -
Do I want it?
That will keep me in that CAGE
I would rather burden them
With the responsibility of me
Who are them - anybody

I am that frightened child
That child who wants it's own way!
The child that wants to please
To manipulate, to get stuff
I have learned to

To believe that I need
Another person to provide for me

Step up to the PLATE
Come get what you desire
From God's table
Just like these MIDDLE MEN
Who help themselves
Who created your dependancy
For control and power
Over something else
So as not to feel
Powerless and prodded through
The bars themselves

I want to play the victim
Feel sorry for me
Oh Torturer!!!
Stop doing what you are
Doing, and I don't have
To feel like I have done
Any of this to myself

There, trapped in the bubble of illusion
Fear, dependancy, addiction
Why can't I see it?
Why do I still want that?

My hand still shakes
Putting the key into the LOCK
To FREE myself
Choose LOVE, choose LOVE
Choose LOVE, the crowd roars
From the Heavens High above
(what you only just noticed that there are good ones)

Below they say
Your BAD, your UGLY
Your DUMB...
I am going to hurt you
They project anger at me
That bores into me
Like a big spear
Like a pig that gets stuck
And I bleed
Till my energy drains out
And I can't move, paralised

No more I say
You can't ever
Really kill me, anyway
I would rather DIE
Then bend to your
Treatment of me
I even would give them the finger

But then my thoughts linger
On how unloving it is to BLAME
Those torturers, who just like me
Inherited thier condition
For my willingness to stay living in fear
Rather than to experienced
My feelings and BUST
That myth, that bubble!

And just like that it is
Burst "POP"
Silently, almost invisible
Almost an anticlimax
Why the hell did I not bust it BEFORE

I was perfect, then
I learned to survive in this world
To take the "red pill" or was it the "blue pill"
It was an illusion, a ruse
One was the Truth
And the way to GOD'S LOVE

Come little creature
The door is open
Is your will crushed or destroyed
I am a little baby deer
With lovelly spots
Excited? No, not yet

I am an older one
Weary, cautious, still not trusting
I have taken a step though
Waiting for the next trap
Looking behind me

Milly  8 4 11