Sunday, 29 April 2012

I Discovered Through Desire to Know What Beliefs I Have In Error, Inside of Me Emotionally & Through Processing These Emotions, One Facet of Why Have I Been Angry At Men

Well here was one discovery, I felt through........what triggered it was I was at a music festival that there were lots and lots of grey-haired nomads. Old age retirees that travel around in Caravans from place to place to see the countryside and enjoy the lifestyle.

 It was a Balladeers Festival, I was watching a white haired lady singing, she had painted on cheeks all roses, her falsies (false teeth) were white and glowing/glinting, but something was hitting the pit of my stomach, it didn’t seem all roses. (there was something harsh in her that was hurting a part of me)  The facades were all smiles, but the songs were all about hardships and cruelties of life that they had endured, and that in my own life I will never have to endure (because their suffering has made it an easier world for us, and we will never really understand what hardships they endured.....and so on) but she was still lamenting, in a jolly way.  The trigger seemed to start here, as in these old people with lots of sorrow in their lives that they hadn’t really worked through yet emotionally.  I started to feel afraid of them, and felt that it was unloving  of me to not investigate further and asked God what this was about.   It took me back emotionally to being a child, being afraid of the facade of old people, like my grandmother & grandfather, any old person,  who under the friendly facade, their denied feelings in their soul were hitting hard on an open child’s heart, and very painful to me, and the spirits that surrounded them as well that oozed these feelings like open wounds.  Taking it out on me somehow.
This then went to dad bringing home many spirits from the pub.  Many of them older people, scarey people, oozing people, to a child who could see, hear, smell, feel their soul conditions, and being so sensitive to their unfelt emotions that they projected at every moment and also acted upon, there was no way they thought that either parent was still open enough to feel what they were doing, or that that parent would believe a child,  if the child were game enought to speak out about the spirits were doing....doing some of  the horrible acts, like what had been possibly done to these old spirits as children, now perpetrators.  I don’t remember the acts that they actually did, I don't know if in the future I will, I just remember the feelings of it.  It felt really yuck, I had lots of grief of the way I felt, & some shame.

At one part of it there was some anger & fear that was blocking the grief.  Lots of grief that daddy didn’t protect me......he had no idea of what was going on, ( so he couldn’t really help me ) and I was feeling like he didn’t really want to,  or that he cared not, to know what the alcohol & his own unhealed emotions brought home with him &  that I didn’t even believe God would protect me.   The injured child in me believing  at the age that I am now, and after all the things that I am learning (intellectually until it hits the soul as a knowing ) about God and Truth & Love, the Universe & the spirit world  ( see ) believing that God cannot now protect me, which is untrue.    God was showing me the Truth though,  as I feel all the way through my emotions and remove all of these fears, that I cannot be harmed.  Only when I have these fears locked inside of me, that I am able to be harmed. 
The anger came about through an injury from mum and generational women, as in a belief that it is the males job in life to protect the females, & that’s what a female expects a male to do.   Dad was very protective of his  wife & family from any verbal & physical harm, but he was totally ignorant to any harm coming from the spirit world, and the entourage that he  brought home with him that would torment me so, and the rest of the family, but they had all shut it out, shut their emotions off to a certain extent by then and were unaware and did not know any better.
Not sure if this anger towards males is all worked through yet, but I thought it was worth a mention too, as it may be of some help to any that know they have still some anger inside, to do with males, that may come from a similar feeling.   Anyway this is where my law of attraction led me to, all that was required was for me to want to feel it, and ask God to show me the Truth about myself and how my feelings have kept & still keep me out of harmony with love,  a simple way, really to get back into harmony with God's Love.    

Feeling like I am being chased down and hunted –nowhere to escape.

The injured  child In me, feeling stood over constantly, watched, judged, never good enough.  Demanded upon to respond to and appreciate the “love” that is poured so liberally over me in that everything that has been done for me.   No freedom, feeling like I am made to feel like I HAVE to love that person, forced at gunpoint.  No freedom of choice, not even consulted that I may not want that choice that is being made for me, as how would I know what I want I am “only a child”  That feels like I am forced to have what mother thinks is best, That’s what the injured part of me feels a mother’s love is.
The emotion of the day that I spent all day yesterday NOT BEING HUMBLE, being unloving and wanting to blame & harm others rather than feel what was being triggered.  Causing damage to that person and also adding compensation onto my soul.  Not wanting to see any of my unloving actions.
This has been in truth, what I have been avoiding feeling all of my life, and has so much affected my life, how I react & how I act.  One of a bunch of injuries in the way feeling like wanting to receive love from God.
I asked God to show me what I have done in my life that is just the same as this.  Through my injury of not feeling loved by my Father, I have hunted down males that don’t want to give me their love “without a fight”.  I really like them & want them to like me so badly that in my fear that they won’t like me back, my energy goes to them seeks them out & chases them into a corner, hunts them down, just like I felt..................they just want to run and escape too!!!!
Resenting the “mother love”, when it chases me, wanting to escape my reality, going out of body,  in my avoidance of my fear & grief, or vacating in resentment to not give an inch!!!!  Or managing to stay in body, trying to somehow get mum to stop “loving” clamming up, not communicating, not wanting to co-operate, or co-operation under very much resentment, wanting to punish mum somehow, in these actions,   which I still found myself doing yesterday to a lady who was only trying to help me and I pushed her help away and punished her for feelings inside of me that she did not cause.  I clammed up, instead of communicating, going for the same old addictive behaviour and allowing the angry spirits to go on attack , and do my bidding, even though outwardly, it doesn’t look like I really did anything.  Wanting to stay ignorant, to fool myself  about  my own unloving behaviour, stay in blame, & in denial.
Feeling helpless to the onslaught of “mum’s love” and not wanting to feel that powerlessness,  in that denial, enlisting the help of other spirits who have felt the same way in their own childhood,  and they are willing to attack back now as an adult spirit,  (through my own unexpressed anger and resentment ) on my behalf to still stay in the denial of their own emotions, and aiding me in staying in denial of my own, and staying in the addictive, commiserating relationship which really helps nobody in this scenario to grow in love, just to stay shrunken in the soul. (there is compensation for me there & compensation for their own souls as well).
Not feeling greatful appreciating what my mother actually did do, in raising me.  Seeing all acts of love trough my injuries, as another demanding female,  hunting me down, whether or not they are doing that,  whether or not thay have an emotional injury in themselves, or are acting from pure love.  
Not wanting to love a female, or become a mother, I have hunted down my own daughter in my womb and destroyed her. Seems to be many emotions that have added and been causal, as to what caused me to kill my own female child, through the act of abortion. 
That is how I have acted and how I have harmed others from this causal feeling inside of me, this emotional error, this belief inside of me that clouds me to feeling any sort of love from a female, or to a female.
Thinking that God will not love me as I am not worthy of receiving that love
Not wanting her love, not wanting to get to know the MOTHER side of God’s Love
Becoming at one with God seems a long way off, with this error inside of me.
 Although going in the direction towards God, rather than with my back turned,  after feeing my way though this particular facet of  emotional error,  that has been until now, stopping me getting closer to wanting love from my True Mother,  God, feeling like I am loved by My Mother, and really desiring to love My Mother, willing to keep feeling through my injuries, until I am no longer withholding any part of me.................
Milly J

Friday, 13 April 2012

My Desire, To Aid Another in Deciding Not To Abort & Why, Through Sharing My Own Experience

"I have written many blogs to do with abortion, so I invite you to read them, if you have had an aborttion yourself, are thinking of having one, have been a failed attempt at abortion, are a partner to the woman who has had an abortion,   have had no say, have had a say, have helped others to have an abortion, has forced another to have an abortion, are pro abortion...............this is how I have been emotionally working through the fact that I chose to have an abortion, and regretted that I did it for the rest of my life, and how it effected me & my child that I aborted....  I'm gonna say it, yes killed!!!!!   Please do not take this as a judgement as it is intended as a statement of Truth"
if you wish to find more infor about the Human Soul, go to and look in Yeshua & Mary's MP3 seminar section.  

Anyway here is my blog for the day......If I am in pain, then I am out of harmony with LOVE,   a simple gauge to guide you on The Way of Love

I didn't have any idea of how much I hated being a female, some emotions were triggered, and I found myself letting out some resentment to God about being a female, adult resentment and differernt ages, all the way back to my childhood.  This was the start of my processing for the evening. I was experiencing a lot of period pain......
Period Pain
From what I can gather, when we are in total harmony with love, we females will only have a period, in getting ourselves ready to have each baby. It will be more consciously directed from Love, towards readying the womb, each time we are wanting to give the gift of life to a little babe, readying that beautiful nurturing place, for the Great Gift of a new soul from God,  to enter into the genetic physical and spiritual bodies made by ourselves as the genetic parents to start experiencing itself as an individual surrounded & nutured in total Love, rather than emotional error. 
Still being very much out of harmony with Love,  I was in a great deal of pain last night,   I learned  during my emotional process that I still did not love my uterus, I did not see it as the Gift, and what a Great Gift it is to be female, what a Marvellous Gift that a child is, what a privilege it is to to have the opportunity to express my love, in Giving this Gift to a little soul!!!!!!! 
Coming out the other side of a lot of grief though, and more remorseful  of how I have treated my own aborted daughter, I have experienced such love for her, myself as the female that God created my half of my soul to be.  I have felt deeply, cupping my uterus in my heart and in my own self now, and as that little growing seed inside the womb (myself), my own daughter (that I aborted) inside my own womb, and being loved by God in all of this.  I felt a tremendous amount of Love, lightness, healing, nurturing going on within the cells of my womb, and of course, no more pain......These feelings only came to me AFTER processing many emotions very much the opposite to these!!!!
How did these emotions come about to me?  After the spack attack, and quite a bit of rage, feeling how much I didn't like being a female (was a bit of a shock ).  Starting with just crying into the pain, I had been having powerful feelings, that no matter how hard I try, I can never please a woman,(going right back to mum stuff) having a law of attraction lately of lots of women wanting to have my time, for me to give to them of me, and my feelings (addictions for acceptance, identity) like I have to keep giving, until there is nothing I have left to give, and still this does not satisfy their needs, that I can never escape this, and that I am a failure as a woman, not just as a female.   This was somewhere in the whole rabbit hole of emotions that came about,   it was related to spirits, both male and female, mum & dad's projections, of not wanting a child, or a girl child (me), angry exes, sexual projections and angry sexual projections from spirits and people, feeling like the injured child, feeling like a little baby, a little toddler asking God innocently “why do they do that, what did I do?”  Simply feeling the pain of all sorts of projections going into the uterus area ,  hitting it slamming it, abusing it, (showing me what to do in my own self abuse for being that thing, that was not wanted, for having that sexual organ that was despised, shameful & disgusting).  Feeling so much grief that they would want to do that,  not a blaming type of feeling but from the powerless injured childself bereft of what I did.
There was some more grief of what I had done to previous partners.  I experienced grief, that I had not been able to previously get past the resentment of, what two of them "had done to me"(previously only wanting to blame).   I see now, the ones that I was still resenting, that I had demanded that they love me,   and what do I feel when somebody demands love from me?????  I don’t really want to give it!!!!!!   Aaah, that’s why one was mean and the other didn’t want to stick around.  Other partners that I have had were much easier to forgive, because I didn’t have to demand love from them (in my addiction to be "loved" by a male ), they gave it willingly (out of their addiction to be "loved" by a female), won’t go into their's ,  or my reasons too much now.
Unwanted Pregnancy
General feelings of mum not really wanting to be pregnant again, at that very moment an inconvenience, for whatever was going on in her life, (surmising now) although later when she got used to the idea, would have probably been happy enough to have another child.  She did say the words to me as an adult, that I was a wanted child, so the idea of me must have grown on her.   But in those moments of not wanting to be pregnant there were so many feelings that entered into me, nestled in her womb, but not comfortingly so.   
These are the feelings that I gave to my own daughter to experience while she was in my uncomforting womb, plus more, while she was being aborted.  It must have felt like an extremely hostile place, a trap, a prison, a chamber of horrors that her screams of terror were never heard.........Certainly not a gift of Love, at all....... 

I see this so clearly now as a causal reason/emotion that helped me to form these beliefs that were my motivation,  that were out of harmony with love,  and behind me descision as a leading force to have this pregnancy termination, and commit the act of murder that it was. That no other excuses of why I told myself that I was doing it are resonalble or can change that simple truth.
No words can Truly explain your own emotional experience
 That’s along the lines of what I felt, it is difficult to put into words, that which you have experienced emotionally, but I do have a strong desire to share, if that is an addiction I am sure it will be shown to me in the future.
Mill J

Thursday, 12 April 2012

Soul, Reality..... of the Aborted Foetus

My Daughter, Melody-Joy, who lives in the spirtit world
I drew this pastel drawing in about 2008,  I didn't know at the time who I was drawing.  I draw spirits, and found out afterwards who this lovelly girl was.  She is in her 20's now.  I had experiences of her coming to me at younger ages, in meditation, I was at her birthaday, on a beautiful grassy island, she came to me one time and gave me a flower!!!!!  But the realisation that she did, and does still exist, has helped me to be able to feel what I actually did, and to grow a desire to get deeper into the feelings of why I did it, what emotional belifes inside of me caused me to go ahead with haveing an abortion.  And to realise,  that I can actually can be forgiven.....but I did need to acutually feel the reality of what I did do.....

I never knew any better myself, but I do now!  The reality of that little child's soul and it's life after an abortion and it's feelings and experiences!

All comes down to, why did I do it?  There will be many reasons for this, make a big list, I did!  But the nuts and bolts of it was, I was avoiding a deep feeling within myself  and I would rather get rid of the so called "cause of my feelings at this moment" (not the real cause ).

I didn't want to choose be humble.... and feel all of my feelings and my painful personal truths that are unexpressed in my soul.....from my own conception, my life that I added to these feelings (my filter now to expreience life through).  I did not want to feel my own feelings of rejection and lack of love, and I passed it on just as generations before me onto the new innocent soul, coming to life within my womb!!!!!!

This little soul, coming from a 6th sphere perfected state of love,  gets from me, & her father, & the environment, all emotions, truthful and ones, & ones full of error, about love.   From me personally, all of my unhealed emotional errors in my life as the filter, that she feels from the moment of incarnation into my womb,  the act of the abortion.... her murder,  her total emotional rejection, physical rejection, the pain of being killed, the grief of all of this..... when this little soul came into this world to experience her individuality, via conception into the genetic bodies provided for her, full of love......then to uncaringly destroyed & discarded, and not to be thought of as having any existance! 

By the way, this soul I am talking about, her name is Melody-Joy.  When she was killed......go onto the abortion websites if you haven't already & have a look what happens.......she was chased around in my womb and sucked out, piece by piece.....  Imagine the utter agony of being ripped and sucked appart, this innocent, beautiful loving soul, that incanated into the womb, gets downloaded with some emotional injuries from both parents, feels her murder and rejection, experienced through the filters of these feelings she inherited, that have been dumped onto her, because I chose to do the same as previous genrations.  Well actually they only thought about getting rid of their own children, mum, did though, decide to force my sister into aborting her child,  as a pregnant teenager, mentioned in previous posts.....more than that, I actually decided myself, to get rid of the "problem" ....that's what I was shown,  was ok......I din't even think, or feel.....  

I became a murderer, Kama, the Law of Compensation upon my soul, one of God's Loving Laws, until I am willing to feel every bit of agony that I forced upon this beautiful soul, who by the way was not really my own child, a possesion,  to do whatever I chose to do to.  As a soul myself,  created by God, I am her sister, she is my equal,  I was her caretaker, of her soul which was created by God, just like mine, to look after her until she was able to look after herself, but some emotion in me,  didn't want to give her that Gift!!!  God is the True Parent to both of us. I did away with my sister, God's child and each soul being made up of two half souls, another half soul's soulmate!  Have I been remorseful for what I have done to her?  To God, about doing away with his child?  To her soulmate?

I thought about none of this at the time.  I was numb, and numbly went about organising the abortion.  First I went and had some accupuncture, the first accupuncturist would not do any accupuncture on me, the second lady did, the idea was to see if the child would leave by her own accord.  I first experienced her as green and yellow within the womb, and she felt so beautiful........I din't consciously know she was a girl, but in my soul, or the unconscious as some say, I already knew that she was a girl?  Why did I not at this stage not go ahead with the abortion?   Emotional injuries out of harmony with love that clouded my feelings, numbed my thinking even.  Did I have an emotional judgement of bringing another female into the world?  Did I resent being a female?  I would now say yep! And there were so many more out of whack beliefs, why wouldn't I have this child and if I still didn't feel I would make a good parent, why wouldn't I give her a chance of life with other parents?  Or did I have little trust in others that they wouldn't do it right either? So I just took total charge, I din't give her a choice, she had no voice, she could not be heard, I took away her life, her experience of herself on this one was a guesome, tortured, voiceless one, "the silent scream", not over in just a quick painless moment!!!
 Until then, I had done the act, I only had murderous thoughts, like previous generations,  angrily saying to their children, somethin like " I'm gonna kill you little bastards", which in itself although not followed though on, has a harmful effect on the child's belief about themselves, even if only thought by the parent and not expressed verbally, the child will feel it, as though they are to blame for the thoughts & feelings of the parents.
After then, I did the act, I became a murderer, harming another soul, to the greatest degree that one can.

It is very convenient to stay in ignorance and have wishy washy ideas about the reality of the feelings of a foetus, and also think, well in this state it is legal, so I will bypass my heart and go with my thoughts which just tell me, it will be ok!  To get rid of the cause of all of these unpleasant fears & feelings.


LISTEN TO YOUR HEART, if you can, that would be my advice, don't listen to the intellectual chatter and the fears!!!!

By the way, I have been getting into my feelings of rejection and lack of love (the real cause, from my own incarnation into the womb & world).  I have been willing to feel every bit of what I forced my daugher to endure in the womb and when her silver chord was severed, that connected her spirit body to her physical body leaving this physical life, that had been taken away from her. 

My Law of Attraction, which is there to help me and to guide me the feelings that I need to feel. My feelings about spirits just taking over my life!!!!!! These spirits being part of my environment in the womb and as a growing babe, that influenced my life so much into feeling that I didn't really get much of a go at life myself, and my willingness, my addictions as to what emotions I would avoid in giving the spirits what they wanted!  Absorbing their emotional errors about love as well.....mmmm where do I go from here, well where have I done THAT!!!!!!  This particular connection has passed by me until now (as in my Law of Attraction with the spirits and what that mirrors in relation with my daughter I aborted)  Somwhere for the spirts, this will reflect in their own lives too!  Where they feeling like they missed out alot on life!!!!!  And now too, with me, until I have fully felt this feeling of grief in my soul, in my sleep state, will I overcloak other people that I feel have had a better life than me, what are they complaing about!!!

My prevous rebellion to mum's control & spirits control, and grief of mum and dad not able to protect me from the damage of their own emotional errors, which attracted the sprits in the first place.

This lack of love that caused my grief that I did not want to feel, I added to this error in my life, by my own actions, I projected it out to the world and passed the "hot potatoe" to my innocent daugther to feel!!!!! In that act, also judging her existance, or in my mind "non existance" non lesser than me.

To think that I could be guilty of the same thing as many spirits that I have unlovingly accused, and not own how I have felt about that.  And that I have probablly, not only taken the life of my own daughter,  in my actions towards her, that I have harmed the life of  other innocent souls as well, who are just trying to live their lives.  
SOMETHING A LITTLE WIERD & FREAKY  Feeling confused, I am on another subject here, that may go into the charts as being wierd & freaky.  I am talking about me, in my sleepstate, where my own spirit has the opportunity to investigate the spirit world, not hampered by travel, can visit anywhere on earth, in the earthsphere, and the spirit world, according to the desires within the person's soul  Now the harm I am feeling sorry for is for when I have  overcloaked another person when I am in sleep state,  and they are on the other side of the world in wake state......just like other spirits from the spirit world, and other people's spirits while they are in sleepstate,  have done to me  or others own spirit,  when I leave my body in sleep state,  at nightime,  influencing the awake state of another person's life and the descions they make........... I have been just like these spirits, and asleep people's spirits who have influenced me into making totally unloving choices......I have really hated that they can do that, and I have done that too.......I NOW AM JUST GETTING THAT AS A SOUL REALISATION.......have to go now for a break to feel the reality of this discovery, in my heart now....

Are you confused, look at AJ & Mary's talk about "what we do in our sleep state" on the Divine Truth site on You Tube or Mp3 downloads on

If you have read my previous blogs, the jigsaw pieces are all starting to join together!!!


Yes I had convenient, wishy washy thoughts that my daughter would just come back when I wanted her again,  when it would be more convenient, she could reincarnate easily, and get another go at a life.  But I have learned much since then, and that the reincaranation that we all only ever knew wishy washy ideas about, has only been possible for a very small number of people so far, not common like we have all thought.  I never thought of the other lives that were effected by my descision either.

My daughter for starters, not only did she totally miss out on a life here on earth, she also was in extreme emotional trauma, all caused by me,  experienced in my womb,  until her silver chord was severed and her physical body died then she went in summerland, she was held by loving nursing spirits, until her trauma was fully felt and grieved, this helpless little baby now in spirit body.  I was numbly unaware of this, athough somewhere in my soul, my unconscious I know this.
I am accountable for this terrible traumatic event of her murder, her physical suffering and pain and her emotional pain, caused from my unwanted feelings, of feeling unwanted, that simply I could have owned, and wanted to blame the influence of spirits upon me for doing this act, manipulating me.  I still did it.  It is upon my soul. God's Law of Compensation which acts upon my soul,  helps me to come back into harmony with Love.

Her soulmate died when he was five, whether this effected him, as in not he felt her on the earth anymore, and made a descision to pass to be where she was?  I don't know if that is true or not yet. If he had still been alive on earth, he missed out on sharing his earth life with the possibility of finding her and having a life together here.  So I stuffed their earth lives togther.

I didn't tell my partner that he was a father

My partner didn't even know (we had just split up ), I told him recently though, our paths were put together for a while again......he didn't get ay say at the time, I didn't tell him, I just dumped him. I found out recently he actually never had another child with his next partner.  God didn't even get a look in either, as I was thinking that my daughter was my possesion,  or didn't really exist,  to do with what I saw fit at the time, as she was of no consequence.  Not even thinking about God, as the True parent of this child.  I had visited how God feels about the murder of one of his children , or what I would be fearfull of that God might think.

My daughter & her soulmate have been working together towards reincarnation, which cannot happen until a soulmate pair reach the 36th sphere now, ( you can become at-one with God as an individual in the 8th sphere ) and getting closer to God as a whole soul,  their true parent, hoping that they will be able to reincarnate to experience a life on earth togther that they missed out on.  I realise the best gift that I can now give to her is to want to feel every emotion and to the cause, as I am no longer projecting any bit onto her......and for my own progression totally wanting to feel the pain that I have caused to her and her soulmate, my partner, and God, and to any that I have encouraged to make unloving choices, for example, the accupuncturist and the abortionist,  those that I have overcloaked in sleep state, and anyone else I have yet forgotten.

I guess I have repeated myself a bit here, but I feel it is so important.

For more information go to  about MP3 talks about The Secrets of the Universe, which explains the process of incarnation and reincaration, and about AJ, aka Jesus and Mary Luck, his soumate, Mary Magdalena walking and teaching here on earth again.

I Haven't Used Pain Killers for Years, I Just Cry and See Where That Takes Me Emotionally, And Ask God " Where am I going wrong?"

"When I am in Pain, I am out of harmony with love"

Usually there has been something in the “cooking pot”, is what I call it, for the day or week or weeks.  For example what has been in the cooking pot lately is the intellectual realisation that I have done many unloving things to my previous partners that I have not been truly sorry for being responsible for causing them emotional pain, still in the space of feeling like,  well he deserved it because he treated me badly, and I guess the general inherited feelings towards men that they deserve it – which is so UNLOVING and just a way to deny my true feelings and stay in the blame power game, never truly wanting to get closer to a loving relationship with a man?  What are my fears??  What beliefs that have ”kept me strong” will I have to let go of???
The pain, my period becoming unbearable(tells me I am really out of harmony with love), I just go in the room with the most privacy, happens to be the toilet and cry & ask God to show me where I am going wrong!!!!  This particular time, really unwilling to own what I had done that caused my ex-husband (will call him M) emotional pain, so there was a bit of anger and resentment that had to come out first.  I was praying all the way to God, wondering why I just couldn’t feel remorseful, cause I didn’t really want to, I still felt like that he wasn’t a nice person so he deserved how I treated him!
The immediate person that I was able to feel so remorseful was my first partner( will call him W ), who was a nice person, and had been harmed by many people in his lifetime and did not deserve to be treated that way.  I was willing and able to feel the emotional pain that I had caused to him, but still not the M.  The next partner I was able to feel the remorse of how I had been unloving to , willing again, as he was such a kind and loving person ( will call him R )and didn’t seem to deserve that treatment from me
Here I am judging who deserves to be treated unlovingly and who deserves to be treated lovingly, the truth is neither deserves to be treated unlovingly, and that when I am doing that, I cause a great amount of harm to them and that I cause my own soul to get darker, to shrink in love, and I have compensation upon my soul now to feel the emotional pain that I have caused another now as well as my own emotional pain.
They did all though fall into the category of male, and my wrongful belief that males deserve my unloving behaviour.....which is total crap
What are my unloving expectations & beliefs ?
That Men love me no matter how I treat them
They need to look a certain way
In the beginning, that you had to stay in a relationship no matter what
What am I willing to barter for
To feel secure, a roof provided, a good source of income, I will barter with my desire to be treated lovingly (my addiction for security (fear ) has been greater than my addiction of wanting to be treated lovingly (self love).  I have learned this generationally through my parent’s genetic line & society.  Mum & Dad taught me through their example about “Men” and about “Women”, which was through their own injuries, not in harmony with Love, so their “Truths” were damaged and disharmonious.
Summary of what I required from the men in my life
W,  was kind, not harmful to me, did not have the look, and did not have the security, (10rys, believed that you stay with that person no matter what ) I found somebody else to provide these addictions for me....M
M , had the look, the security, was not kind, was verbally harmful, but I had been willing to barter for 10yrs, eventually became disenchanted.  Had an affair but I couldn’t commit to the other person as I would have to confess up and perhaps lose my half of security!!!! 
Could not stay in any kind of relationship for a few years.  The one’s I attracted refused to love me.   I had HUGE expectations that they love me, so that I did not have to feel lonely and unloved.......didn’t get that addiction met.  I became totally not me, but experimental, as is drinking and drugs.
R, was kind, gentle & very loving, not harmful, did not have the look,  and displayed fear, so this didn’t feel secure. (3yrs, relationship durations got shorter )  I realised in my crying, that I “fell out of love” with R, he displayed fear, my security addiction was not being met, not enough other requirements met.  We both had our own places, didn’t need the security of a home from that person, judged his place as being lesser than mine.  I changed what I wanted to explore in life, I found “spirituality” and that didn’t fit in with Drinking & Drugs lifestyle R enjoyed.
T..... Went & found somebody else who was attractive, felt sorry for him, he had no security to offer me, so I offered him security,  was never there much,  
I thought I believed in spiritual freedom, felt T was my soulmate,  found that I was unhappy although this time I decided no matter what I was not going to look elsewhere for somebody else to fill that lack of feeling loved.  (a year & a half together & a year & a half apart, but sort of “Together” )
Overlooking my life now, I can see how easily influenced by spirits I was, easy to be manipulated via sexual /love injuries,  that I was in total denial of emotions, resorting to alcohol & some drug use to disassociate from myself, and my personal painful truth. 
T did not come into my processing this time.  More to do there  & with T & M (along the lines of resentment to how I was treated and not wanting to own how I treated them, feeling that they deserved it), although in my procession my pain,  I did get to some sorrow for how I treated M
When I am in pain, then I am out of harmony with love.....simple & True   
I am in addiction and have expectations of another getting angry & unforgiving & blaming when they are not met.   It seems so logical, that if I have pain, then some belief in me which I feel is right, true, is actually not in harmony with love, with True Love, with God’s Love and that I am wrong.  What an simple guage to live life by!  
So what did I learn this time by the cessation of the pain, and some love from God, that even though somebody is mean to me, they do not deserve for me to punish them, the law of compensation takes care of all what the other person does that is unloving, just as it does for me.  There is no need for me to punish another, in this I am trying to avoid my emotional pain, my wrongful beliefs, I don’t want to see myself in that moment how God sees me, as his child, retaliating in “kind” to his other child, in Truth, my brother.  Until I am willing to totally feel remorse for all males that I have harmed, my resentment.......... not love goes out to all my brothers!!!!!!   and still leave myself open to the influence and manipulation of  many spirits.
I feel ashamed that I am still willing to do that and would prefer to be in “ashamed” rather than to feel the causes of why I want to still do that.