Tuesday, 24 July 2012


Now this one was a big surprise to me,
I was the youngest of 3 children, my brother was the oldest, then came my sister, there was a year in between them and then there were 4 year in between him and me. We were all in the same room for a while and then mum and dad finished renovations and my sister and I were in a room together, leaving my brother alone in his own room. 
The feeling of my grief that my brother didn’t like me as I was, didn’t want me, was jealous that my sister had me in her room, wanted me to be a boy so that I could be his little brother and have me in his room.  I really did not remember any of those sorts of feelings coming to me.  It has been huge grief around my heart area, and in my lower tummy area, gut wrenching.

It was devastating the big pool of grief, that I found myself all of a sudden in and experiencing.

Had some  memories come up too about my brother wanting me to be bigger and tougher and more resilient, so that he could play with me properly, rather than been little and falling off things and getting hurt while under his care.

How it all started
I had some spirits ridiculing me.  I had been trying to write some info for other people about spirit influence, I needed to go onto facebook to copy off parts of letters that I had sent to other people that had some really great info in.  But the major one that I wanted to get to, spirits would not let me have, the computer kept on mucking up.
I was talking to them in the shower,  and I took the dogs for a walk, and ended up at the dam, seems to be my spot for getting into some emotions lately. I got really upset, I was confused as to what I was supposed to be feeling.  How bad it feels to be me, or how bad it feels that spirits can make  me feel, when they put me down and make fun of me.
I got into a big pile of grief about them not really being my friends, that for years and years that they have been with me, they were not truly my friends, that now when I will not do what they want me to do, for example be angry at males (found when I had thoughts about how disgusted I was towards my male dog, that their feelings of torment towards me stopped).  There was lots of feelings of betrayal, and grief that they could be like that towards me.

Felt grief about friends in my life, being in that barter system,  you do this for me and my expectation was that they would like me.  Doing lots of things that I probably did not even want to do.  And blaming them for the way I felt afterwards.  Some remorse that my addiction that I was in was so unloving to myself and others.

And my grief of being so these addictions when helping others, wanting to give to feel good, and be liked, but there was still an element of not being treated well in it for me many of the times......my little messenger from God telling me that there was something in  me that was not loving to fix up.

Felt so much grief of how my life has not really been my own life, how it really feels like to be a puppet, an empty shell that gets used however they want to.  Grief that the spirits have been in control of my life not me, that they expect me to eventually give up, and not fight, that I will just go back to doing what they say.
I remember a song that wrote a while back, I have been singing lately and the chorus is
I’m a puppet, I’m a puppet,
I’m a puppet, I don’t exist
I’m a puppet, I’m a puppet,
I’m a puppet on a string, I don’t mean anything

But I know inside of me somewhere that if I can remove my hook into them, they can no longer have a hook into me!
That freed me up to feel more into, and ask God about what it is to be a True friend.
God just held my hand through my grief at times, showing me by example always, God shows me what a True Friend is. Someone who is there with love, though not giving in to your addictions, telling you the Truth, lovingly, helping me when I am willingly wanting that help.

At one point I must have been demanding though, as I noticed I was alone, and my male cat came to me and tried to make me feel better, until I owned my demand and he went away from me.
I had to end up going inside the house again, as the neighbour, another male went down to his letter box and I was afraid that he would come over and try to cheer me up as well, I hadn’t quite gotten through the grief.  Afterwards I had some love from God and a peacefull deep sleep, I was whacked.

My False beliefs about friendships
That I give to them, and they like me
The truth of that kind of friendship is that the energy of it is unloving.  I was experiencing the feelings of how much it ate away my energy to give, and give and give and give, hoping to get friendship......but I didn’t get it, finding that my energy keeps getting drained away, hence I have been very tired over the last few years.  
 I had neediness for somebody to like me (my hook into the spirits ), but what I attracted was spirits that weren’t really my friends, that use me and that I use them too.
I asked “Why do I get this treatment, what is the cause?”

It went back to my brother and sister running away from home when I was a baby.  I have mentioned it before, I knew very well that my sister had a lot of hate and jealousy for me, I experienced it with regularity, especially sharing a room with her.
The Rose Coloured Glasses
I had no Idea, and obviously a needyness in my desire for somebody to love me, my brother was kinder than my sister, and he was a male, which I was addicted to wanting to believe that daddy loved me, even if he wasn’t there most of the time, like mummy was,  and she didn’t really want to she was angry all the time.  A feeling in me of resentment towards being made to love Mummy, and a feeling of wanting to Love daddy, to have of feeling of being loved by daddy.
I guess I had a dream picture of my brother being the only one that did have a bit of “real” love for me, and it was devastating to find out the truth of his feelings towards me, and my grief of those feelings being real and coming at me as projections.

Another Trigger in the Cooking Pot
I had also watched a movie last night, a man was hitting a woman, and I felt some fear and some grief while I was triggered into remembering dad hitting somebody.  So I guess there is more of that yet to feel.  The spirits have kept me busy feeling their anger and resentment towards men, and that has stopped me during my life time in feeling my real feelings inside about my own experiences to do with males.

Milly :)

Monday, 23 July 2012

We Cannot Counterfeit Passion For God

“It is not possible to reach God
 Without facing personal Truth,
Without seeing things as they really are
Within our own personal, emotional and Spiritual conditions.
We cannot fake it ‘till we make it
We cannot counterfeit passion for God

Telling the Truth, Connecting with your body, What is out of Body? How are Spirits involved in this?

As more realisation comes to me of my own inability
to say exactly what I am feeling...........a realisation
of learning it from my mum’s own inability to say how she truthfully felt.  

And how easily I took on her example of what you do.  Not really knowing the true impact that it has upon your life.

Saying one thing to the other person,  though really inside feeling something totally different.   For whatever the addictive reasons to not tell that person the actual truth......   

In case that person would not like me or I would upset them
(being condescending towards them actually, driven by that that person cannot handle what you would say to them), wanting them to be  agreeable with me,  or in case that person got angry with me, judged me, attacked or harmed me.
This is a really big addiction in me.  I find it especially hard to tell a woman , usually an older motherly type the total truth of the way that I feel.  Still wanting mum’s approval!  For her to “love me” accept me.
When I talk about “love” in inverted commas, I am talking about our natural human love, which is not what God’s Love is.  Our natural human love is full of conditions, trade offs, blackmail, dependency upon another to do something for me to do something for you to get that approval/”love” Although we like to think that it is love, and often even tell ourselves that our love is unconditional.  Have a serious think when you say this word, if you can honestly say that in giving this love, I do not require anything from the transaction, even right down to getting a feeling of feeling good about what I have done.....that’s how deeply thoughtful I mean.  God’s Love is that unconditional!
There is plenty of great seminars around these subjects, that Yeshua (AJ Miller) and Mary Magdalene (Mary Luck ) have presented on You tube, via the Divine Truth Channel & Wizard Shack, and downloadable MP3 files on www.divinetruth.com
Been feeling into what stops me from getting closer to God, as being my True mother and a father, and feelings about my own mother and father and any people and situations in my life that I still am holding feelings inside of me, which I realise unfortunately is still a great many.
In my not being able to say exactly how I feel to others, pulls the wool (Aussie slang, have to look up where it comes from, just means deceiving ) over my own eyes.  I often tell myself that I don’t feel unhappy about something, or that I deserved that treatment, I justify it in some way, to skip what I actually do feel.  Or I tell the person “that’s ok, I’m not worried about that, when actually I am not ok with that.
I haven’t been truthful.  I haven’t shown that person the true me.  I have lied really.  But in our natural love terms of what we humans believe that love is, I tell myself that I am helping that person, or not making a scene, keeping the peace.......And how do you feel when somebody keeps something from you and doesn’t tell you the whole truth?  Not loved, that’s for sure.  So Truth and Love go hand in hand.
I have been trying to skip my feelings.  For example, to jump the feelings of how I felt with my ex-husband, getting into some feelings of how mum & dad interacted with themselves and not really feeling the grief of how I felt in my own relationship with my own husband, in my eagerness to get into my causal emotions.  And previous to the point where I am at now, which is able to feel the grief of how I felt in that relationship, I only wanted to feel resentment.  I hadn’t allowed myself to fully feel.
My mum and dad both had a lot of grief inside of them, so it makes sense to me logically that, I have a lot of grief inside of me, and if I allow myself to feel all of my grief in my relationships with all of my partners, then I will uncover all of the grief that came to me from mum & dad, and more of it will just organically pour out of me, rather than leapfrogging some of the stuff, having to go to the cause many more times, to squeeze a bit of the juice out of it, rather than it just pouring out, couldn’t stop it if I tried so to speak, in an overwhelming, soul changing way.  Sounds like trying verses allowing.  Wanting to control the emotional process, being afraid of overwhelm.  But you know, our soul has the most growth from just allowing the overwhelm! 
The overwhelm is what we have been afraid of for so long, and we have learned many ways to control it.  The great thing that I have come across is that I need to stay in my body to feel my overwhelm.  Staying in my body is the key to feeling the full experience of my emotions.
Ways of staying in my body 
From waking in the morning, laying down
Diaphramatic breathing....a 2 part breathing technique, deep breathing from the lower part of your tummy which expands the tummy area, the lower lungs, continued inhaling that expands the chest area in (the 2nd part, if you had your hand on your tummy it would rise, and then also your chest rises and expands sideways) and then the uncontrolled out going breath.  Repeated until till emotions are flowing.  With a feeling of really wanting to notice every sensation within your body, a willingness to want to feel. 
Like a meditation practice,  where you go to all of the body parts and relax them, and then go somewhere in your mind (you go out of body in most meditation practices )
You do the opposite as in go to where every you have feelings in your body, with your diaphramatic breathing with its uncontrolled out breath ,  and let the feelings inside of your body speak out!!!!  In this practice you are getting back into the body and connecting to how you feel, and allowing that feeling to be experienced!!!!
If you don’t want to feel, be truthful and just talk to God about why you do not want to, what you are afraid of.  The admission of the truth puts you into to more harmony with love, and the emotions will probably then begin to flow.
In a public place  
During the day if you feel disconnected from your body, with your arms outstretched, bend the top half of you towards the ground while exhaling, and inhale as you rise.  (Although if you are IN terror, and have heavy spirit influence this can be unadvisable, as you may fall forward, it would be better to just sit down or lie down and connect with your body again by breathing deeply, and diaphramatically, rather than shallowly in the top of the chest....panic breathing)
If somebody is in the panic breathing, about to go out of body, just call their name gently and ask them to breathe deeply from their lower tummy area, and their chest area, ask them to just come back to their body,  this can help them stop going into a fit that is brought about by panic attacks.
Diaphramatic Breathing while standing in line at the supermarket for example
Or do the diampramatic breathing while standing up. Take notice of what feeling caused you to become disconnected, what the feeling was that you didn’t want to have. (often do this when we don’t want to hear something said ).  Ask why you don’t want to feel that.
In a space of feeling like you are in a place where you can let your feelings flow, walking, using physical exertion, to connect with the feelings in your body,  and the diaphragmatic breathing deeply from your lower tummy, the chest and the uncontrolled outbreath.
My interpretation of out of body........a feeling of disconnection
How Do I know If I Have Gone out of Body
How do you know when you have gone out of your body......  Well think back to your life, how much of everything can you remember.  Now all the things that you can’t remember, there has been some emotional memory attached to it that you have not wanted to be fully present to feel and let those feelings flow out of you, there has been something that you have denied, and wanted to forget some emotional pain.  That’s lots of times in our lives!!!!
I now know that I have done this for a great deal of my life.
I know I am out of body when I become detatched from my senses.
Some examples:
When somebody is angry and I don’t want to listen
When somebody is telling me some truth that I don’t want to hear
It is quite subtle, as any time I am not feeling  something be it negative or positive (doesn’t have to be big or dramatic, be it a feeling of happiness, or sadness and be in what is appropriate for the expression of that without trying to be emotional), .....feeling dull, distant, unhappy without the full expression of it, angry, “Living in Fear”(rather than letting the feelings of fear to be expressed in you and pass through you, for example shivering & shaking, & crying but still breathing deeply, not shallowly – living in the fear is a fear of the fear, and in this space we are connected with spirits fear as well, and are not truly getting to express our own fears)
When I am not feeling my true feelings, I am out of body in varying degrees, and have spirits connected to me via my unfelt emotions, that can influence me in varying degrees and experience emotionally through this connection to me earthly things.
Spirits Connecting to us via our unfelt/unhealed emotions that we share in common, or have the opposite injury, to feel earthly addictions and pleasures, & things, to avoid their own true feelings, we have entered into a relationship like we have on earth, you give me this and I will give to you that.....whatever the bargain is that you strike......I wanna know this stuff that is happening behind the scenes, don’t you?
For example, I am having sex with my partner, and I am not fully into the enjoyment & feelings of love , something is nagging at me. 
Both my partner & I are Mediums, although he does not want to acknowledge that in any way yet.  I feel though that we all are mediumistic in different degrees of awareness of that, mediumistic just being able to see, or hear, or feel spirits, and it is our fears that cloud these gifts.  Let’s face it we all have thoughts in our head at times where we don’t know where that thought came from.  Where do you think that thought comes from?
Which just means, that the spirits attach to us quite easily as we have many emotional addictions with spirits, and are used to being out of body. 
For me,  it may be that a spirit wants to join in, so they will just overcloak my partners face(he is not aware of that yet unless I tell him), so that it puts confusion and fear into me that I am not sure who I am with and who I am sharing my sexual energy with.  So the dynamics of a negative emotion is now present. There must have been some form of unloving feelings being present in the act of lovemaking for this to be able to occur, that either of us were denying.  These unloving spirits can’t be attatched to us  in the presence of True Love, only when there are emotional feelings and beliefs disharmonious with Love.   Loving spirits have no desire to be involved in our Lovemaking. Only spirits that still have emotional beliefs that are disharmonious with Love.
Thoughts may wander, there is some emotion that comes up in me that I do not want to feel, but just keep on doing the act of sex.  I am not fully in my body, and I allow a spirit to connect with my body, via my unfelt emotion. ( so you can see that the spirit has a bit of an investment in you going into your “thoughts”as that spirit gets to connect emotionally to somebody having sex, as where they are spiritually at the moment in their own progression is a place where there are possibly no people of the opposite sex to have sex with, or those people that are there can see the emotional condition that they are in and don’t go near them.
Could be the spirit that hooks into me really enjoys having sex, and wants to help me to continue having that as well, could be the spirit that hooks into me via unhealed emotions doesn’t enjoy having sex, and wants to help me not to enjoy having sex, and maybe even wants me to get angry at a man, and in the end not have sex with the man,   helping myself  and the spirit to ooze a  slow seething resentment, self punishing as well, and taken out on men during the act of sex.  But either way, the spirits reflect some feeling that is already in me.
If I keep allowing the sex with my partner, I am not being loving.  I am not honest to what I am feeling.  I am allowing another person, be it a spirit in the spirit world to join in with our “lovemaking”  sharing my sexual energy somebody other than my partner.  That’s not what I want to do.  If I don’t realise that this is possible and that I can change that from happening, then I am going to be still used by spirits, and in an addiction.  What do I get out of it, either  instense sexual feelings, but attached to one negative feeling, or lack of sexual feelings, attacted to some negative feelings.
What I could do, is ask my partner to stop,  deal with the feeling, admit how I feel, allow myself to feel it fully and own it, and then when I feel I am coming from love and desiring to continue lovemaking. 
If you are more curious for more information about many more topics about God, Truth & Love, The Secrets of the Universe, Spirits, How to Grow Your soul, any of these things that I have shared from my own experiences you may be able to get a clearer understanding from, as I am only learning as i go.....
there are many seminars from Yeshua & Mary on the Divine Truth Channel, Wizard Shack, on You tube, and the downloadable Mp3 files from www.divinetruth.com
Milly :)

Thursday, 19 July 2012

Self Worth, Feeling Lesser than, that I am to blame, Judgement, Being Blind to the Truth

As the Child Feeling Like I am to Blame

If I don’t write the experience down near to the same day, it often is just gone.  I will try to remember the general guist of it, so that the process of what the feelings where that started it, and  where it went to, to find the cause of that particular feeling.
General feelings in the cooking pot: 
Feeling unhappy when I awake in the morning, no smile on my face, no desire, things don’t satisfy me like they used to....are they my true desire?  Or are they my addictions?  When I am in my addictions, they do not even satisfy me anymore. Feeling dissatisfied,  but not wanting to know why, not wanting to feel my emotional condition, and wanting to think that I am in a better condition,  than I actually am, after all of this time of doing this emotional processing work/lifestyle.  
Discovering each day, it seems like, that there is way much more error, and thinking, when is it going to end, and do I want to get off this “ride”. 
And feelings that it is too late and I will never be able to be satisfied with life the way it was, or the way it is now, and feeling I am halfway, hanging out, in a type of limbo.
Which is more real than me just wanting to be in avoidance by keeping too busy in my life to notice, keeping pleasing others, to get that emotional “fix”......that does not satisfy me any more, it atcutally feels wrong and not right and not fulfilling.
Feeling like I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing, I don’t want to do anything, I am bored, confused, I am feeling like I am just waiting, for earth changes to happen, to come and take me or to leave me, and not wanting to live my life, as why would I bother.
Living in fear really, rather than trusting my soul and trusting the process of coming back into harmony with love, whether it be here on earth or in the spirit world.
And not just wanting to live in my passions and desires and trusting in those, to aid me to come back into harmony, no matter how long it takes, those passions & desires that help me to be where  my soul really wants to be, whether that is alive or dead. 
The trigger:  A Guy came around to assess our house for some re-financing that we have been looking into.  I had been in town for 3 days, and previously had my arm in plaster, and prior to that not the greatest amount of energy (had been weak for a few years ), so the place has been unkept for a while, lots of jobs becoming one huge effort to do and me only taking chunks of it out, when I have had the energy (here I still arm with excuses).  So the house wasn’t that great, I was feeling pretty ashamed, of my little messy place and also ashamed that it isn’t really a flash house at all, in size and construction, or well maintained, falling apart.......a reflection of me really.  Of what is in my soul, I don’t want to look after myself or my house, taking responsibility again!
What causes me to not want to take responsibility for myself and my environment?
The feelings.........the effect emotions at first where low self esteem, there were a bunch of spirits helping me feel this was, it went on for a while, and I said to God, right, obviously I want to feel that way because it is easier to feel than the real cause.
My mum’s voice came into it a lot too.  Hearing her words one time (reffering to my shed and cabin that I lived in at the time and rented out my house to pay the mortgage ) “You live in a shit hole, you were left with a shit hole to live in” (referring to after divorce....what inside my soul I obviously believed, for her to tell me those words )
Feeling that this is all I am, this is all I am worth
Remembering back mum yelling at us girls a lot, about keeping our rooms tidy, (probably about us living in a pig sty, and turning her house into a shit hole) threatening to burn our stuff.  So then you would put the stuff away in fear, or then when you were older, she didn’t do what she said she was going to do, you would do it out of rensentment to stop her yelling at you and insulting you. Somehow believing something about yourself that had been ground into you and not resolved.
In the bottom of the cupboard near the head of my bed, where mice, they would chew stuff up and make nests, and squeek, and smell.  I didn’t know how to stop them from making nests. It was the cupboard where you would just throw the toys and piled up junk in.  
Mum never taught me to do house work, she never taught me how to change my ways, how to take some responsibility, she had no patience, not wanting to spend much time of teaching me how to do many things, and seemed to only be happy in telling me that I wasn’t very good at it, if I did try to help, and to go away, and that she gets frustrated to have to go over the top of what I have done, because it is not good enough, causing her more work and more stress, to keep the house perfectly clean, that was never clean because of 3 children a dog and a husband “that didn’t care”  It seemed like she got something out of having somebody to blame, to hold that person there while she got angry about it so that they would witness that she is angry, but not teach that person....so that she could still blame that person.........not wanting to heal the situation.  Just wanting to feel the power that anger and blame and judgment gives,  and having something to yell about. Using the anger to get all the extra work done.
The Cause
My own grief.
Mum not wanting to feel her own grief (which was in me already), causing more of these feelings in me.
It really was hurting in my heart, these unexpressed feelings, got lessened by feeling it.....the discovery of the simple truth of what was emotionally going on.  That mum wanted to keep me feeling lesser than, so that  she could keep punishing somebody for the way that she felt, and also though, still feel superior, to stop herself from feeling how bad it feels to be in her own skin, nobody caring, feeling unloved, unnoticed, unrewarded, life is a drudgery, children are so much work and are ungrateful & lazy (a carry on belief from her own younger siblings, and sick of being made feel responsible for them ), all of which ended up in me, plus my own feelings about that, it is my fault, I am to blame, not good enough, not being able to make a difference either way.
Some very deep grief emotions that mum and spirits would want to do that to me and lots of fear, feeling those painful projections.  I realising of the grief & pain that Yeshua had told me that was in my soul, that even then I was still so disconnected from,  quite a few months back now. (no doubt this is just the tip of the iceberg )
Discovered some self hatred, in believing that I deserved that somehow, and wanting to hate me for being the cause of mum being angry frustrated and unhappy.  It was good to have that energy just come unstuck and just flow through me.
I am glad that I broke through into these emotions and into the fears and the grief, rather than staying just at the level of feeling that I am worthless, and that worth can only be gotten by having better “things”. 
To be seen through others eyes as being worth something.....as I said, probably still just at the tip of the iceberg.
I am not sure if I have hit the self care thing totally on the head yet, for myself and my environment, will see if there are more facets of it, the proof will be when I totally take responsibitily and just all of a sudden change and be having the desire and energy to do all of those things.  Although I have my plaster off now and I can brush my hair a bit better, the wrist is taking a little while to get the flexibility back into it, still some fear, to do with males I feel , I got angry last night for Tony wanting to take more than his share of the blanket, and leaving me with less.
I want more to make me feel better, but I don’t want to deal with why I feel like I have less. 
All I need is to cultivate a desire to know why?  God will tell me, via my law of attraction, his messenger of truth, to show me what error’s that I believe in are still in my soul.
And a desire to have God to help me discover the answers, and these feelings.  
So I guess feel into what caused me to feel like I am lesser than a male, that I deserve to have less, trying to make the male give me an equal portion or making them responsible for me feeling good,  ....probably some more divorce emotions to get into, the emotional beliefs I got from mum about money, becoming my belief towards men, (wanting to take on and agree with angry women)....and wherever that leads me!

My fears trap me and constrict my life, and stop me from seeing and feeling the truth.
I am not that......those feelings, those emotions, that tell me that I am and that I cannot be anything different, and I am not those spirits who feel that way too, helping me to feel an intense version of the effect emotions.
My soul can be healed, those emotions can be emptied out of it, and filled with love, I can change and I can grow.
If I think I am poor,  I am not really seeing the truth.....I have a house to live in, I pay a very little, I have food to eat, but I am not grateful at all for what I do have.

You cannot stop others from judging, but you can feel your feelings.
How I treat others in this judgment, people that have more, people that have less. How I am uncaring and unloving too.
There are many others that have nothing, nowhere to live, no food, those that starve, those that die, and I am kept busy feeling my own effect emotions.  I ignore easily those that have less and are hurting too.
These things are only possessions, things.  Things cannot truly make you happy, as they can be gone in a flash..............leaving the feelings still there, and it is these feelings that stop you from feeling happiness, and seeing the Truth and acting on the Truth
This was not justifying how I was feeling in order to not feel, God did not tell me this stuff before I processed these emotions. God wanted me to feel my error, and told me these things when I was willing to experience it and let it out of me. 
I when I was a kid, remembering mum wanting to have a better “lot” in life....why didn’t she deserve to have what other people had (looking at people who seemed to have more in life than her) and not realising what she did have, resenting others (us kids) for being the cause of not having those things that she wanted, or wrecking those things when she did manage to get them, and also fearing that we would wreck them if she did get them, so she would rather not have them.  Not really wanting the responsibility at times of having children, as opposed to having the things that she wanted, seeing it that she couldn’t have both, not wanting to own and feel her griefs. 
Not seeing many people were renting, paying money that they had to find from somewhere just to live.  Not seeing that her husband did build her a house to live in from his own bare hands, other people had mortgages to get themselves their homes, before money for food was taken into account.   Oblivious to what others may be going though. These feelings, all inside of me, blinding me also.
This sounds very logical, but until then, the mind had only thought about the logic, but that didn't heal me of it, trying to think about it differently.  The truth hadn’t entered into my heart, because of the emotions that I believed to be true in my heart, were drowning out the logical Truth.  When I experience these emotions fully, I see the Truth. 

Act on these Truths, that is now up to me to do this.......to help the change come about 
God’ Truth is Logical and emotional.
My dog just spews up in the house, (some angry women spirits still in my head ) I clean it up realising, I still have lots more emotions about feeling like I am the cause of mum’s unhappiness.....

Wednesday, 11 July 2012



The truth of where I am at is where I gotta be able to be ok and not judge where I am at so my soul can express how it feels to be where I am at.  I know in my head that I am not in harmony with God’s Truth when it comes to spirits.  But in my soul, I feel that I am right, that my truth's are THE TRUTH........which they are not, it is a damaged soul belief that can only exit me by feeling these errors, to allow the new Truths to enter!

God’s Truth is that spirits cannot hurt me
When I do not have any fears, this I will believe in my heart and soul, and spirits will no longer be of any harm to me.  But my beliefs are other wise, so my fear controls me and is the key into me for the spirits control.

So all I need to be able to do is desire to feel is my fears standing in the way of this truth, and my grief of my experiences which cause me to feel the opposite to this Truth.
This is one of my biggest emotional injuries.

My addiction to not wanting to feel what it Truly feels like to be living in my skin, & in my spirit body, in my damaged emotions, not wanting to feel unheard, uncared for & unloved, understood.....sound simple enough to feel.

I am sorry if I have projected this out to the world on this blog these types of feelings, as I believed this was not my intention. I thought I had a pure desire to just journal some progression, whatever kind of progression, be it forwards or back, if it may help in the future for others who may be having similar troubles. Well it is a way of exposing my addictions, that cloud my true passions.

Had some anger come up, towards mum, some self hatred, being afraid to express my true feelings towards mum, and never expressing them, because of my addictions.
And towards God, wanting to land the blame fair in God’s lap for me feeling that God wants me to feel pain, that God wants to punish me somehow, I didn’t know how much anger resentment and hatred was inside, as in intensity of feeling over in a flash and feeling how unfair it was that all of this had to happen, to me, that nobody knew and nobody cared!  In feeling the grief of this though, I learned the Truth though, that God knew, God cared, God Loves me, and the only thing that allows the spirits access to me is the feelings that I got from my mum and my dad, that they did not know what was happening, that they were ignorant, that the some things happened to them as children, to cause this in me, that they are unaware of and have blocked it out.  Which allowed me to feel a whole lot of grief.

Embarrassingly so, my Law of attraction “that has hit men” that has helped me to get to this point, because of my resistance to wanting to start to open up to feeling my fears, that are on top of my grief has started when I fell over skating.  Not only did I fracture my wrist, but I really hurt my coccyx.
This at some point led me to fear of pain, as I became constipated to a painful degree, and all I could hear in my  head how much it was going to hurt when I went to the toilet, which gave me a reluctance to do so.  I did say warts and all, but I will spare you more details.  My fears bound me up worse than anything.  So feeling into these fears and praying to God always, has been the only thing that has been helping me have the courage to stay in my body and see what emotions come up.

Which have been related to many things.  Fear of childbirth, just fear generally of any amount of pain, that spirits/people tell me about and project at me, that ends up controlling me and proving them right..... Experiencing feelings  of rape and threats, from spirit, physical rape of the anus, am unsure of this, could have been the real feelings of the torment from spirits, or maybe mum and dad experienced it, the rough treatment of my anus (as a baby I assume)  toilet training, fear of the hurt from going to the toilet or maybe fear of the physical feeling of doing a poo for the first time (must have been constipated as a child). 

I know as a child that I chucked up.......very intense projectile vomits so mum tells me, so I must have had intense muscular contractions and intense fears, or feeling mum’s intense fears and other feelings of having yet another baby that spewed up all the time.  I think there may be more to come up emotionally about the chucking up stuff though, I think there are lots more feelings from mum to allow myself to feel how I felt about them. 

The latest fear now that I have attracted a friend to say, was “You know every winter now that your arm is going to hurt” 

I could hide & wrap myself in cotton wool, and never tell anybody what I am doing, become a hermit, so that others don’t get the opportunity project their fear at me and tell me what could happen, ad keep the world at arm’s length........but I wouldn’t face my simple fear that has caused me to live in my fear and try to avoid possible injury and do the “sensible things for my age” (like everybody else bound by their fears ).

The control of me of mum’s fear upon me and what that feels like
The other trigger that has had quite a big effect on me was when I visited my mum, she was in denial of something quite plainly to be true, as I have her original injuries inside of me, and I do know her very well, I have automatically reacted to her every emotional projection since in her womb.  But part of her feelings where like “If you knew me well, you would still be reacting to my every feeling and making me feel good about myself”................that one sank deep, because in my addiction, the end of that statement for me would be so that I can feel your approval of me, so that I can feel that In am “loved” by you and that you care for me.  Which is totally opposite to the feeling inside of my soul.....the feelings that I want to avoid at all costs, and the grief that I have now been allowing myself to feel.......and you know after all of that avoidance that I started at that very young age, it feels like such a relief every time I am willing to go there!!!!!!!  It unknots my body and I have deep relaxation in my soul, and can feel the REAL TRUTH.

My bottom has been feeling like it is that of a really old person with these recent events and a babies delicate bottom too, so that brings me to believe that I am having an awareness of the old old craggy lady who has been with me from a very young age, and possibly even might believe she is somehow reincarnated through me.  Connected via the bottoms!!!!!! (my attempt at lame humour!!!!!!) Anyway, this has only just come to my awareness, so I will need to have some talks with her and see if we can help each other out....I am feeling better everytime I process and have some new truths enter me emotionally. 

The DVD’s I have been watching, which are available to download from You Tube that have helped me tremendously lately are
Spirit Relationships “Obsession & Possession” Part 1&2 28th March 2010 Buderim QLD AU (absolute GOLD, I have seen this one before, but it is like each time you see it, more is revealed that my soul is willing to accept)
The Human Soul “Processing Addictions” Part 1&2 27th May 2010 Buderim QLD AU
Spirit Relationships“Earth Bound Spirits” Part 1&2 15th June 2011, Vari Athens, Greece
Spirit Relationships“Coping with Spirit Influence “ part 1&2  27th March 2010 Buderim QLD AU
Relationship with God “Getting to Know God” Q&A 7th May 2011 Melbourne VIC AU
The World’s Definition of Love Q&A” session 1 27th May 2011 Melbourne VIC, Au
The Human soul “The Three Selves Q&A” 7th May 2011 Melbourne, Vic AU
General discussion “Spirit interaction, Natural  Love Q&A” part 1&2 Mildura VIC

Also another talk about the facade self and what we do in our sleep state at night, that Mary gives in Murgon,  these talks are all GOLD for our soul’s growth !!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t thank both Yeshua and Mary enough for what they are doing!   Also there are talks on www.divinetruth.com have a look in the download section, God’s way of Love Org, Mary also has a blog ”My Story”, which is kept up to date about all the things that are going on, as well as her own beautiful messages and sharing of her life,  I am following it so you may find the link there.

If I get lost on the way and fall off the path, if I can remember
Longing for the Truth
Longing for God’s Love
And being humble
I will always find my way again.........

Milly :)

Sunday, 1 July 2012


God is the most trustworthy person in the whole universe. 
God is our best friend ever.
We can start to be vulnerable with God first, because he would never hurt us. 
If we can do that then no matter what we come up against, we will be alright because God is this beautiful loving person who just wants us.

S O M E  V E R Y  W I S E  W O R D S  F R O M  A  V E R Y  D E A R  F R I E N D !



Some words from my Guides this morning, “Don’t fight it feel it” in regards to my LOA.  Act out of Faith not fear”.
Is different to fighting the feeling in my addiction to not wanting the way my LOA brings to me the true feelings & beliefs about myself in my soul.
Self Reliance – Angry women spirits who want to numb out of the way they feel & they believe that they cannot be helped, only to help themselves.
Emotion last night – trigger being woven into my sisters storey, she named me the character in her storey as “left over”  Feeling into how low I have been made to feel.
Judging mum, never want to be like her – repentance this morning to those that I have judged & myself.
About when I was learning & teaching others,  to recognize in my heart how arrogant I have become, and was in an addiction to high jump my LOA to feel special, chosen. (picked out by AJ, who at the time was only getting two helpers who at that point in time were more humble than the others, in my case, not for long though).  At that time my soul condition wasn’t too bad, and I was able to learn a bit quicker than some of the others.  But this has since from my arrogance impeded my learning and my soul has darkened as I have judged others, needing my help, as lesser, and something about myself as superior.
Felt so numbed all night – taken over, but don’t know really, or more likely don’t want to know.  Angry women threatening me,  they want to use me to get their anger out, but I need to process my childhood rage safely so that I am doing mine & not theirs.
Some come up at some point.  Mum’s jealousy.  Sister feeling so low about herself that she wants to spread it to my brother & I so that we feel low too.
Mum on one hand wants me to be a success – but when I am she is jealous.  Seeing mum jealous of Brother’s approval of an Aunty and his admiration for her being funny.  We are all jealous of each other.  Me jealous that Sister is funny & clever with humour.  Me jealous that brother has a high intelligence.  Me being put down by mum, believing & judging me that I am a sucker, that I believe in any crack pot & have the wool pulled over my eyes – and that she has used and played that innocent, trusting quality in me to control me,  and that she mocks and judges it in me, that quality, as having less intelligence.  If you get tricked easily, and have this trusting quality in your soul, you are not intelligent.
So therefore if you do not trust you display more intelligence to those that “count” and judge you and approve of you or not.  I can see clearly these are all such emotional beliefs that are all wrong and see how easily you can believe them.  If your heart is open and trusting and have faith with your feelings, (rather than logical & being able to prove something )then you are dumb & unintelligent.
Flipside – blindfaith, trusting without questioning.
Truth is logical, there is a way that we can learn or unlearn, to have proof.  But we can get carried away with this way as well,  and become self reliant.
Am I content to accept the dictates of my fellow?  For example, emotional beliefs in error, about being told what to believe and follow. (tendency to think that I am not allowed to follow my own path of enquiry, that differs to what the family unit tell me I should believe and follow the same as they do )
I am ALLOWED to reason & to find out & investigate the truth!!!!!!!
Just because I have this nature inside of me does not make me lesser or wrong or BAD or wanting to hurt another because I don’t believe in what they believe in.
Is the other afraid to investigate for themselves?  To trust their own powers of reasoning?  And perhaps be a lone sheep?  Or do they truly fear being a lone sheep?
I am allowed to not believe in what my family believes in.  Am I afraid to be not one of that flock, to be rejected by it.  I am not hurting them in any way, I am not rejecting them.  Just the beliefs that i have had imposed upon me, that I have accepted, to be accepted and ALL to feel like I belong.

The Gifts that you have to give are an endless well!

I have not discovered who I truly am what gifts that I have yet to be discovered in me!

The truths that you get from God and your Guides are like a pod of information, that you feel in your heart, and understand but no words have been spoken to you, and you all of a sudden know a whole heap about that truth, that is more difficult to convey to the minds of others, as you have words to put it into and it depends upon the other person’s soul willingness to understand that truth in their heart, and I guess how much in your own heart it has been felt.

Recently, I have been feeling into dependency,
This morning I was shown a nipple that was running with milk, and told by a spirit to take it, suckle on it!  I did not trust that at all,   and realised it was a spirit who was trying to pretend to be God,   placate me ( or my guides were showing me plainly,  what, in my addictions basically happens with the placating spirits in the past that have been with me from a babe).  I was talking to the spirit, saying that I did not want to depend upon it anymore,   that I wanted to love God now and learn what God’s Love is, and what it is like just to have faith  and trust in God.   So much confusion came up about who to trust and not being able to trust myself (hence the addiction to spirits) and fears that my spirit friend was feeling just before we disconnected.  Today just allowing myself to be in that fear and confusion, experiencing it.
Afraid of change, that was a big one that the spirit with me fears as well.  This is a big fear in me, that  stops me from progressing full steam ahead.

These are the ingredients in the cooking pot lately..........The start with I fractured my wrist roller skating, doing something I really wanted to do!!  It was my birthday and I spent the day at the hospital, waiting to have an X ray and some plaster.
Had been giving lifts to a friend into town who didn’t have a licence and her husband was sick & couldn’t drive, and various other places a few times a week for 5 months.
A bit of confusion, about what my soul really wanted?  Did my soul not want to act lovingly? ( and why or why not). 
Did a spirit want to have a laugh at me and push me over (and how that feels that a spirit would do that). 
Projected fears from others, telling me that their friends etc had broken appendages from their experiences of roller skating.    
Whether I was punishing myself, or beliefs that God is a punishing God, and whether this was a message to show me how out of harmony with love that I am, or wether my acting in love brought up all the error. 
Also, my fear of judgment, of what others would now say to me about my obvious damaged arm and damaged soul.  
What did it put a stop to :
1.       Giving lifts into town and my time while my friend did her grocery shopping, necessities & medications for her sick husband & other things.

2.       Me  earning  money to paint pictures for sale and doing mural that had the potential to earn money to pay some impending bills, and workshops with children.  Basically cut off my source of income.  I had been trying to control this process since quitting my job 2yrs ago.  Firstly, the band I was playing in was no longer existent,  so that income dried up,  then  I tried to control my money situation by selling paintings, going back to my familiar art again, which seemed to flow like water for a while.

In giving my time with lifts to town, I was helping a friend in need.  It felt that I would be unloving and selfish to not give the lift and I actually felt like I wanted to do it.  My intention was to be of service, and to learn about serving others and to learn to become more loving and discovering  what my errors are,  in the way of purely serving from love.
While doing taking this friend to town, this seemed to put a bit of a brake on the things that I planned to do for myself.  To be able to be loving I needed to own my feelings that this brought up for me in different situations, I needed to recognise all of my emotions and not judge them, simply to feel them. When I didn’t want to feel them,  then  those feelings would get projected onto the friend, unlovingly, so my act of “love” was now unloving and I damaged her from my attack of projected emotions and damaged/darkened my own soul from my act of not wanting to be responsible for the feelings in me and to blame it on another  who did not cause it in me.   I will grow towards love once I take ownership of my feelings and to experience them, rather than living in them.
 My anger, my fear, my judgement, my condesention, is an act of  “violence” , an assault either physically, emotionally, or energetically,  whether I took it out on them physically, abused them with my words, or just thought about what I would like to say.   This act of violence towards another has darkened my soul, (made it shrink, I have gone backwards, away from love) has caused me karma, I have compensation now on top of my emotional error still to feel.
Looking at it simply........like going up a set of stairs or a game of snakes  & ladders, taking action towards love, (where love is at the top, and error, or out of harmony with love is at the bottom )  Acting in more love than I have in me I go up one,  or a few stairs,  keeping in mind if I did it with the intention of love, my soul grows, my soul can grow, and I can proceed go upwards.   Next move , in the course of a day I might decide to take action with my intention being unloving, this action will take me back to the start.  Bummer, then the overall look is a lot of energy put into going up and down, up and down , up and down, staying on average, the same,  without showing an overall progression.
I can grow towards love in little steps!  If I chose just to desire to act in more love, that’s all ..............to take an action that is a bit bigger than where I am  currently at..........I don’t have to be perfect in love NOW to be able to grow in love.  So don’t give up! In the explanation of this is I may have lost the meaning a bit, so I suggest you watch the You tube ............has helped me put all of this into perspective!
I did discover, If love is your original intention, you can grow from the experience, even if you make some mistakes.  I am pleased, as I am still learning more about love and what makes me tick.
So many emotions have come up about money, and doing stuff for free, or gifting.....
Remembering years ago that I would not donate my time to local events,  to perform a puppet show, would only do it if I got paid, upset that people think because you have fun and their work they do  in their everyday lives they perhaps didn’t enjoy doing, so in that they really deserved the money that they earned, and that, you don’t need to have money doing something that you enjoy doing.  I feared that they  wouldn’t even appreciate that just like them I have bills to pay and need to buy food to eat also  in this money oriented system that we have created. I didn’t think twice about donating my time refilling toilet paper for these same local fundraisers, or serving food, or emptying garbage.  I had a feeling inside of me that I thought my puppetry was more special than what others were doing for free, that everybody and anybody could do!  That was a judgment and a half and I wanted others to treat me like I am more special than they are!  So there was error on both sides, but I still held fast onto my judgement that I had something that was better than what they had, I was really arrogant.
God was helping me to see, to get a bigger picture than just my own emotional errors, if none of us had judgements about housework, cooking, emptying garbage, the wide variety of  things there are to take care of be responsible for and enjoy doing , and are in our gift of passion, or giving a gift of service, every action would be out of love and a joy to be doing.
Feelings about Dependency
Feelings about  being dependent upon others,  events that have happened in the past, that have clouded my trust in others, or caused me to enter into unloving barter systems, to expect and demand and to treat others with resentment when they don’t do for me what I want.  For example as the youngest child, as a baby,  discovering how I have used this to my own advantage in getting others to give me what I wanted......feelings about mum(her control & my demands),  my siblings (their control & my demands), my desperateness to feel that love is “giving me what I want”  and doing every on loving trick in the book to get it , to avoid feeling how unloved I  felt as either not that cute baby anymore that others pander to, or that baby that that person and spirits with them find it hard to not blame for being the “last straw” or the “straw that broke the Camel’s  back, many more  feelings too about dad,  feeling like a burden and a financial strain, feeling like the cause of money woes, feeling that dad didn’t like me or love me, feeling like the projections coming from dad were very,  very  painful and that  I have been addicted to pleasing the partners in my life so that they do not project this pain at me.  Attracting men that blame me and punish me for financial stain,  men that feel  like they are to blame for financial woes, or men that want me to look after them financially........all of these, my soul has attracted to show me my error beliefs about Men, Love, Money.
That desperateness of not being able to do for myself to get the things that I need to survive, to live without physical pain, without hunger pain, afraid of physical pain.......not wanting to feel the emotions behind pain, such a need for others to provide, so that I can avoid all of these feelings, not  trusting  God or allowing God into my life, in my addiction to others.  And not wanting God’s Love if it means to feel all of this!!!!! 
Love is a Gift, it is given out of pure desire, that person or entity does not do it out of addiction of getting you approval, or expectation of something in return, it is a gift, not a right, not your’s  to demand.  How you see God’s Gifts, your appreciation and gratitude is up to you.....we perceive these gifts, and what is attributed to having been given,  from the condition of love that is in our soul, how much love or truth and how much error or untruth.
Other Little Things That Have Come To My Attention
Stuff comes to my attention, in little ways, on face book, a lady crying about being charged to get into a concert to see a band.
People always want something for free, that was the angry voice behind the post, and don’t appreciate  what I have to give, demanding others to make them feel appreciated  and special......including me, pointed out to me at end of process! 
Another thing that came to my attention from a friend, telling me “are you still giving your works  away ” (as in donating some of my paintings to different people & places, and selling paintings too cheap in her mind).   Two old friends saying your paintings are too cheap.  People fearing that others will steal their copyright, taking photos of their art without permission, taking ownership and earn money that they won’t get for themselves.  Another artist that I know twice in one week, noticing that his painting was for sale for $3000, and another saying “he’s ‘gotta earn a living you know” (Me feeling that it is a struggle to get a small amount for paintings at times, but also feeling that it is good to have paintings that haven’ got a huge price on them as you get to do paintings to your heart’s content, and share yourself, your gift with people.  Still not understanding that my gift is a bottomless well, it is endless, and is for me to share with everybody whether they have money or not.  There is still something in me that I haven’t wanted to change, and is in error and not trusting in God, that in acting in love and giving yourself in love.
 (I’ve left the copyright & ownership one’s in this discussion, as a reminder to myself that I haven’t got to that cause and the truth of that yet.)

In the shower afterwards, talking to God and feeling grateful l to God that we have water, and so much has God given to us, everything this earth has in fact, without a huge bill at the end of it to pay him back for the privilege!
Unlike the money system that seems we allow to rule our human lives and our belief system here on earth...