Now this one was a big surprise to me,
I was the youngest of 3 children, my brother was the oldest, then came my sister, there was a year in between them and then there were 4 year in between him and me. We were all in the same room for a while and then mum and dad finished renovations and my sister and I were in a room together, leaving my brother alone in his own room.
The feeling of my grief that my brother didn’t like me as I was, didn’t want me, was jealous that my sister had me in her room, wanted me to be a boy so that I could be his little brother and have me in his room. I really did not remember any of those sorts of feelings coming to me. It has been huge grief around my heart area, and in my lower tummy area, gut wrenching.
It was devastating the big pool of grief, that I found myself all of a sudden in and experiencing.
Had some memories come up too about my brother wanting me to be bigger and tougher and more resilient, so that he could play with me properly, rather than been little and falling off things and getting hurt while under his care.
How it all started
I had some spirits ridiculing me. I had been trying to write some info for other people about spirit influence, I needed to go onto facebook to copy off parts of letters that I had sent to other people that had some really great info in. But the major one that I wanted to get to, spirits would not let me have, the computer kept on mucking up.
I was talking to them in the shower, and I took the dogs for a walk, and ended up at the dam, seems to be my spot for getting into some emotions lately. I got really upset, I was confused as to what I was supposed to be feeling. How bad it feels to be me, or how bad it feels that spirits can make me feel, when they put me down and make fun of me.
I got into a big pile of grief about them not really being my friends, that for years and years that they have been with me, they were not truly my friends, that now when I will not do what they want me to do, for example be angry at males (found when I had thoughts about how disgusted I was towards my male dog, that their feelings of torment towards me stopped). There was lots of feelings of betrayal, and grief that they could be like that towards me.
Felt grief about friends in my life, being in that barter system, you do this for me and my expectation was that they would like me. Doing lots of things that I probably did not even want to do. And blaming them for the way I felt afterwards. Some remorse that my addiction that I was in was so unloving to myself and others.
And my grief of being so these addictions when helping others, wanting to give to feel good, and be liked, but there was still an element of not being treated well in it for me many of the times......my little messenger from God telling me that there was something in me that was not loving to fix up.
Felt so much grief of how my life has not really been my own life, how it really feels like to be a puppet, an empty shell that gets used however they want to. Grief that the spirits have been in control of my life not me, that they expect me to eventually give up, and not fight, that I will just go back to doing what they say.
I remember a song that wrote a while back, I have been singing lately and the chorus is
I’m a puppet, I’m a puppet,
I’m a puppet, I don’t exist
I’m a puppet, I’m a puppet,
I’m a puppet on a string, I don’t mean anything
But I know inside of me somewhere that if I can remove my hook into them, they can no longer have a hook into me!
That freed me up to feel more into, and ask God about what it is to be a True friend.
God just held my hand through my grief at times, showing me by example always, God shows me what a True Friend is. Someone who is there with love, though not giving in to your addictions, telling you the Truth, lovingly, helping me when I am willingly wanting that help.
At one point I must have been demanding though, as I noticed I was alone, and my male cat came to me and tried to make me feel better, until I owned my demand and he went away from me.
I had to end up going inside the house again, as the neighbour, another male went down to his letter box and I was afraid that he would come over and try to cheer me up as well, I hadn’t quite gotten through the grief. Afterwards I had some love from God and a peacefull deep sleep, I was whacked.
My False beliefs about friendships
That I give to them, and they like me
The truth of that kind of friendship is that the energy of it is unloving. I was experiencing the feelings of how much it ate away my energy to give, and give and give and give, hoping to get friendship......but I didn’t get it, finding that my energy keeps getting drained away, hence I have been very tired over the last few years.
I had neediness for somebody to like me (my hook into the spirits ), but what I attracted was spirits that weren’t really my friends, that use me and that I use them too.
I asked “Why do I get this treatment, what is the cause?”
It went back to my brother and sister running away from home when I was a baby. I have mentioned it before, I knew very well that my sister had a lot of hate and jealousy for me, I experienced it with regularity, especially sharing a room with her.
The Rose Coloured Glasses
I had no Idea, and obviously a needyness in my desire for somebody to love me, my brother was kinder than my sister, and he was a male, which I was addicted to wanting to believe that daddy loved me, even if he wasn’t there most of the time, like mummy was, and she didn’t really want to she was angry all the time. A feeling in me of resentment towards being made to love Mummy, and a feeling of wanting to Love daddy, to have of feeling of being loved by daddy.
I guess I had a dream picture of my brother being the only one that did have a bit of “real” love for me, and it was devastating to find out the truth of his feelings towards me, and my grief of those feelings being real and coming at me as projections.
Another Trigger in the Cooking Pot
I had also watched a movie last night, a man was hitting a woman, and I felt some fear and some grief while I was triggered into remembering dad hitting somebody. So I guess there is more of that yet to feel. The spirits have kept me busy feeling their anger and resentment towards men, and that has stopped me during my life time in feeling my real feelings inside about my own experiences to do with males.