Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Grinspoon – “I’ll Bleed You Dry”Theme Song For Today’s Process

Do I recognise what Gifts I already do have in my Life? 

The rabbit hole started at getting a bill in the mail......so I had a cry about not knowing where the money was going to come from.
I'll bleed you dry, rather than feel my emotions....
Where does the money come from at the moment to pay the bills, my partner.  This is a great strain that I unafairly project onto my partner.  And the Law of Attraction for both of us is that his wage is being reduced by the employers, or by  other governmental things ( law of attraction volume button is being turned up louder & louder )  I quit work nearly 2yrs ago to do the singing & art & emotional work etc.  Sometimes I have money from sales of my paintings, or workshops, or performing etc.  But it doesn’t flow freely enough at the moment to support us equally.....some emotional beliefs are stopping this! 
At times I feel so “paniky” and want to just go and get a job to alleviate all of these feelings that I don’t want to feel.   It seems too though the varietyof jobs that are available to me now are reduced as well, as I won’t have anything to do with meat selling, serving, so  many jobs are not available to me where my most recent previous experience lies, (ie checkout sales, food industry)  but there are still many other types of jobs that would be suitable and I would consider.
My health seems to still be the greatest excuse, and fears that I won’t be able to keep up with any sort of physical stress, or time pressure, that I would be sacked for being incompetent, an frowned upon if I become emotional.   I had been at my last job for nearly 10 years and had become very comfortable and complacent, and a bit lazy, and not afraid of getting the sack. 
The fact that I do feel a bit fearful about wanting a job, looking for and keeping it,  is probably a good reason to start the process of going for job applications.
What stops money coming to me?
What stops me receiving gifts from God....my beliefs to do with receiving things via mum & dad (other males and females )  through Tony my partner and through other people,  but believing ......not through God, only the middle man.  So therefore I enter into addictive relationships to keep receiving from others.  I then have expectations. I give what I have to give, so that I can recieve what they have to give.  My gift of giving is tainted, it is not truely a gift of Love, but of hoping to get something back, that I believe in my injuries that I can't get from anywhere else, and in recieving it, feel some kind of acceptance, or what I think is"love".  There is an expectation that this person will love me and reward me and an emotional error in my refusal to take on the responsibility of doing it for myself. 
Expecting anything from anyone certainly does not allow them the true freedom of purely giving the gift of their Love,   In my expectations,  I will never feel the love of their gift, until I empty out my injured emotions in my soul that cause me to have these expectations of recieving gifts from others, (in my beliefe that this is the only way to get get stuff when I have no money & can't physically do it for myself).  I will never feel the depth and breadth what God truly has gifted me already and what God has a desire to Give to me.   I limit what comes to me!!!!!!!  I limit how I can give. (I didn't know that in my heart, just then, until later)

Not working certainly helps to bring up a huge amount of helplessness about money, and that I am helpless to get what I want for myself, and what I do emotionally, and how I act to get it.
Walking home from the letter box crying......

Why aren’t I allowed to have money,?
Don’t I deserve to have money?
Don’t I deserve to have what other people have?  
I feel lesser than others......that God doesn't Love me like he Loves others

Getting more into the nuts & bolts of it

When I got home, I was crying about the feeling of a huge amount of helplessness, having some fears about dipping my toe into it & diving in deeper once it started to get closer to the locked down childhood stuff.   The current stuff, fears of making ends meet, fears of if my partner would care enough to consider me in his money hassels, about not being able to feed myself, and give to myself suppliments that my body needs at the moment for feeling stronger and being able to work & function better,  not being able to look after my dependants (dogs & cats & horse for their health needs)......... going right back to helplessness as a baby, it became just feelings being expressed out of my body, (and afterwards at the end I could feel some changes in me like a spirit had moved out of my bladder and uterus area) but along the lines of  being hungry and fears....if that person didn’t come back and feed me about the physical & emotional pain in my body increasing and not going away.......not wanting to feel that pain, affraid of that pain and going deeper into it.  This is the point where I ask God to help me desire to go deeper and to keep wanting to feel, and help me discover what my block to getting deeper.   Also asking...God is this the pain that I have feared for so long and not wanted to feel?  Is this fear & desiring to get away from it what has attracted spirits to come to me and comfort me, and for me to form emotional addictions to them  The Big One, that keeps me overcloaked by spirits in my desire to still have my addiction?......in my not wanting to feel this pain,  & if I can’t get the feeling of Love from mum, or dad, what I have done is to seek that solace elsewhere.....God won’t give into my demand!  God wants me to feel my grief, which is in and underneath the emotional pain.  Believing that mum & dad don’t love me, that God doesn’t love me, but until now only wanting to feel my resentment of that, (denial emotions) and not my true emotions (causal emotions). 
Somwhere in there a belief came to me that God’s love hurts.  Love hurts.  If I feel Love, that I will feel the pain, thinking that the pain (my emotions I want to avoid ) is caused by other's Love.   When I was in the space of demanding “love”(what I wanted ), Mum being loving and not giving into my emotional demands felt painful & I believed that she was not loving me, or somehow that love=pain.  Something crazy mixed up like that, in a line of many mixed up emotional beliefs.
Fearing God’s Love, that when it comes to me,  I will feel this pain, this baby feeling, so I don't want it.  My adult understanding,  getting mixed up with the baby stuff,  being that when God’s Love comes to me, I will feel the disharmony & pain in me, it has to all leave me before I will feel God’s love enter me.   Fearing the pain, and that it will be so great......not wanting the Love.  To get to feel God’s Love though, there must be an emotion in me that actually wants God’s Love to come to me, that wants to get to know what God’s Truth &  Love is!!!!!
Somwhere in this all there was a layer of HOT Shame to be felt through, in my face and my eyes, and my tears.
Many layers of Fear, chattering of the lower jaw, crying and flowing urine.  Don't worry I often process while sitting on the toilet.  All sorts, God doesn’t love me, mum & dad don’t love me, how bad it feels to feel not loved, alone, so dependant upon others, and so helpless to be able to help myself.
Exposing a whole heap of fears
That feeling of more afraid of living than dying again, would rather die than feel that painful emotion.  Wanting to die, and be in the spirit world as when I was a child some nice spirits would “Love” me and help me to get out of my body and the emotional pain in it and never have to come back to that pain!!!  The emotional pain of not feeling loved. 
Fear of Death, believing that it has to be painful,  so I can’t die to get to the spirit world, because I am afraid of that pain.  But wanting to get to the spirit world, as there are so nice loving spirits there (the ones that help me stay in my addictions )  if I could only by pass the feelings in the body.
Fear of Living, fear of feeling the pain, either in death or in life.  Not really afraid of the spirit world, but just afraid of the passing from the physical state, into the spirit state.  Fear that God doesn’t Love me, that God's love isn't gonna be what I want it to be.
My intellect also tells me there is probably some more fear to work my way through, to do with when the spirit body passes through the earth sphere,  when it leaves the physical body in sleep state, and being afraid of the earth bound spirits who don't look or feel so nice, fears of what will it be like if you die, and if can't go back to your body anymore,  or can't go into the spheres and get trapped with the earthbound spirits forever!!!! This is only me intellectually thinking about what else it could be related to though, for future processing, but I did not get into feelings like this today.
Truths That I learned emotionally in my heart, explained in words
This is what I have managed to grasp today, and will attempt to convey in words, but it is only an intellectual understanding  conveyed this way.  It has taken a few years to understand this, thinking that I knew things in my soul, and thinking that my soul had grown, when in reality, I only knew them intellectually.  The soul learns differently to the Intellect.  As a brief example, I can be always trying to be loving , (which takes constant vigilance, and can become exhausting ) or I can just automatically love from the amount of love that I am in harmony with, in my soul....which is never exhausting.

God Loves me now at this moment, even if I am emotionally injured, that I can receive Love from God,  if I can develop a true desire for it.  Even though having emotional beliefs about Love that are out of harmony with what Love Truly is, if I have a desire from my soul, I can still receive God’s Love.
The amount of Love from God entering my soul and helping my soul to grow,  is dependant upon my willingness to feel my emotional errors and release them as I  receive God’s Truth. If I do not want to recieve God's Truth, the amount of God's Love can only come into me with the amount of understanding emotionally about Love, that I have in me, that I am willing at a soul level to accept.  I still need to act upon that truth in my life.  That is one of the reasons why some of these emotions come up for me again to learn more about, as I have not fully accepted and acted upon the Truth that God teaches me. 
That I am the only one that stops myself from feeling God’s Love.  All this time, from babehood to now, and I am now 48, I was the only one standing in the way of it!!!
That I have been demanding love from God and my Celestial Guides, and when I demand their love, they do not give it to me, as it is unloving for them to do so.
That other people & spirits will give me their love when I demand it, out of their own emotional injuries.  And that it is not loving to demand or to give into that demand.  It satisfies emotional addictions in each person, and staying in addictions never helps either person to get into their causal emotions, only to feed these addictions and stay in denial.
What the energy of my demands feels like to the other person....................basically.......like in the Grinspoon song  “I’ll Bleed You Dry”  The truth when I am in that unloving demand, it is like I  want to suck their energy,  syphon their “love” from them.   I take from them and they feel depleted,  if they have give into my demands.  I will still feel hungry though, as I have not fixed up this hole, or pit of error,  in my soul. 

If they don't have an injury, they will still feel my demands, but it will repel them.  They will not be attracted to give into my demands.  I cannot take from them, and in my error, I believe that they are the ones that are being unloving!  When they are not.  And I feel that they do not Love me, when they are actually acting in harmony with Love.
Feeling & accepting the Truth of what I have done in my unloving demands to God, to my Guides, to other spirits, to other people, to my partner, to my parents, helps me to feel remorseful, and to feel my True Grief.
Today I rested peacefully and blissfully, I have had some of God's Love come to me, in Truth, that I accepted, and allowed my self to feel my error, feel my remorse and my grief and be filled with lightness & Love in these darkened recesses of my soul that these errors & beliefs created.

So now, after all of this, I need to act in my life in harmony with the Truth that I have learned in my soul.  So what does that look like.  I will let you know.
Milly :)

Monday, 14 May 2012

MOTHERS DAY God, My Mother! – I love you!!!!!

Wow, what a gift I have received today, which is the day after Mother’s Day, my Daughter came to me and surrounded me with her love!!!!!!    I recognized and recieved love from her mother that took care of her in the spirit world, and I recieved love from God!!!!!
I spent a lot of time grieving in the evening of mother’s day, allowing my emotions that have been in there waiting to come out and for me to express to God how I Feel.  Won’t go into details too much, but in the vein of, feeling that I am not ever going to be in the class of a real woman, as I have not been a mother to a child. All sorts of feelings about my desperation about wanting to become a mother at around 36- 7 when I had split with my husband, who did not want children, putting out to any man my feelings of desperateness to any new prospect of a partner that their job was to impregnate me, putting out to a little unborn baby’s soul, that they already had a job to make me feel satisfied as a mother & whole as a woman, putting out there to my female bits that they HAD to perform as time was running out!!!!!!!!  Such demand, expectations and unlovingness, to others and my own body and my female body parts.
Also, there were some feelings about being 49 next year, with the prospect of motherhood,  judging by the norm, that it is a thing of non-existance now for me, and that menopause is coming up, and that will be the end, that I have nothing to look forward too, that I am a total FAILURE as a woman.
Such deep feelings like, I am a waste.  A man has said to just last week ( I did not get into the feelings of it ) something a bit like,  my talent has been such a waste,  about the use of my paintings on cards that I sell (his own regrets about his own father’s paintings that his father only printed up as cards, and people never got to see the real paintings which he stored).....I do have regualr exhibitions of my art.  Last year my own mother has said to me previously, that my talent has been a waste, (also her own regrets about not having the opportunity to follow a career of art or singing, either side of motherhood).

 I have never been able to get into the feeling of it as deeply as I did last night.  Not realising to the extent how deep this feeling goes in my soul, not only about art or singing, my expression of myself as an individual,  but the full expression of myself as a woman, and the feeling of missing out on experiencing motherhood. 

I remembered at school how girls went to motherhood class at highschool, boys didn't do any of that sort of thing, and how inept I felt, that I should somhow now know how to do it all, if it happened that I became a mother, when I still felt like a child,  and that this is all that females were invented for. Such a small amount of time in my life given to learning about such an IMPORTANT JOB. 

When that was done, not talked about by mum, I still hadn't had a period either, so I only knew what little was said about that,  well at least I had had that. Sex was shown on an 1/2 hour show, and that was that as well!!!!! Not much time given to teaching real life knowledge for the important jobs that were expected that you would be doing one day......there is more here in these particular topics that I have not felt my way through yet.
I could also feel my Great Aunty Jess's influence, who was a spinster, (my dad's aunty ) in her life she never became a wife (aparently got jilted ) a mother, she did get to live with my Grandmother  &  Grandfather (dad’s mum & dad ) & help raise their children.   There seemed to be much generational grief come out, as I expressed and experienced my own grief.
After receiving such beautiful love wrapping around me, I also felt the love come to me from the beautiful Celestial Spirit, who has been my daughter’s mother in the spirit world.  They were both giving me such glorious love,   it helped me to lift my grief out, and also to be filled with Joy in that recognition in my heart that God is really and Truly my Mother, and loves each and every one of us so much, and  has taken care of the most minute details in the running of the spirit world as well!....... For any and all of her own children to be taken care of, beyond death.   God’s hand of Love has been there for my daughter, she has had parents, gaurdians, caretakers, to take care of her and to show her love, that have done that out of pure desire to love her little soul, as an extension of God’s Arms of Love.  Showing me what it is to be a parent/guardian, the unselfishness and pureness of what the gift of a True parent is, when in harmony with God.
Feeling so tiny in my infancy of understanding God’s love, like a minute spec, like a cell, in a body of cells, that God knowing every one of my cells, and loving them, caring for each part of my body, knows everything about it, about me,  about how I am feeling at every second,  feeling compassion for me and where I am at, and at the same time has so much care for everyone of her children, that she also knows everything and cares about every feeling inside each and every other soul that she has ever created in this Universe, and the care and thoroughness in the creation of this universe that he/she have created for us, his children to enjoy and grow in.   And yet, she can somehow individually hold us in her Arms of Love, at every moment, every one of us having the abitity and opportunity of feeling her love personally. 
I feel a bit inadequate to describe what I experienced, but attempted it anyway.  I doesn’t seem quite the same, I apologise, me explaining what I have learned, as experiencing the wonder of the revelation when you receive the knowledge of it in your heart!!!
I felt a bit later too, about that the Celestial Spirit who has been Mother to Melody Joy, the daughter that I once aborted, has been a soul mate pair, as in both parents, guardians, who have looked after her just  like God our mother & father, that the experience of motherhood & fatherhood is so much more of a totally whole shared experience between two people.  (a little bit more in feelings since my blog about future shared pregnancy feelings between soulmate pairs)
This last bit, that I am also adding, may be just from my mind, as I don’t know this in my heart for sure, but a feeling in me ( I want to learn more about) that soul mate pairs who have the passion for raising children come to take care of the souls of little ones who have passed into the spirit world, and have experienced what that particular child is experiencing, themselves, and are the best teachers and parents for these children, from what they themselves have experienced and now have the passion to help others of their younger brothers and sister's going through similar to what they did. 

I am also feeling so much more compassion for my own dear mother who actually did choose to give to me the beautiful gift of life, and chose to give me the gift of her love.   I haven't talked much about dad here in this equation, so I guess there is more emotions to feel through about that.......
Anyway Goodnight, and may you desire to feel the Love of your True Parent, and be comforted by those Arms of Love!!!!

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

The Reality of What I Have Done, Update on Abortion - "Interview with Jesus, Abortion Part 1 & 2 Available to Listen to on Youtube

What a wonderful interview about Abortion, with Jesus......aka AJ, Allan John Miller, a most wonderful man that I have personally known since 2007.  I have actually known Jesus, in my sleep state since a babe learning about the soul & the spirit world and have been fortunate to attract him into my waking life,  to teach me about God's Truth & Love, how I can grow my soul in Love,  and how I can have a personal relationsip with God, and anyone who desires this.   You can find this interview on You Tube - sorry I don't have the link, it was given to me on a disc.  It has all the info that you would need to help you make a descision whether to abort or not, and so much more information for anybody with many questions around the topic of abortion.  It is non judgemental and very, very helpful, from Jesus own experience of what he has seen in his 2000 years in the spirit world.
In my last post about my experience of abortion, I was hoping that I did not come accross as judgmental, but after listening to the interview I feel I still judge myself in some way, well then, I am still going to project judgment towards others, whether I like that fact or not, until I work through that emotionally, all my associated fears of how judmental society is about the act of abortion. 

I also noticed that I still haven't really worked through many of the reasons emotionally for eg, when I first got into the new reltionship with my exhusband,  not realising I was pregnant to my last partner, in conversation, he had complained that he had thought that his last child was not his, (child had red hair, his or hers wasn't red) and his dad had also brought up a child that was not his own, it was a mate's child who had died in war.  He did not have a lot of trust in women & not really believing that his child that he raised was his.  

So I have realised that I need to delve more into why I would rather murder my child through the act of abortion, to please a man and not put him through that sort of event again... or think I am pleasing a man, or act upon any unhealed emotions projected out of him, out of fear that he would not want me if I had this child. 

At the time he did not try to sway me either way in my descision making.  Years later he said that he would not have chosen to do that, but I acted out on what I thought that he wanted.  Why would I do this act of abortion, and take the life of my girl child, & treat her life as unimportant & lesser than, and my needyness of getting loved by a man and appoved, doing what I think a man's wish would be.  I thought of what was on TV when I was growing up, "I Dream of Jeanie, Your wish is my command oh master"  stereo type brainwashing.  This all opens up a can of worms that need to be processed, that I have skipped a little as not so important and probably given some effect emotions more importance.  I do want to get it right, after hindering her progression so much until now when I have decided to take responsibility for what I have chosen to do, hopefully help to make it better, easier,  for my daughter to help her in anyway that I can in her own progression from now on.

So more emotions around what things I was running away from in splitting with my ex partner, getting with a new one, finding I was pregnant, having the abortion, how I have helped an abortionist, my hired gun, to damage their soul yet again every time that they perform an abortion believing that they are doing a service that is loving.  The extra work that I have caused to a beautiful nuturing spirit or spirits who held my daughter and loved her dearly as she grieved & healed from trauma, and  taught her about love, that she did not learn from me in any way.  The fact that I have slowed down her souls growth to a huge extent, from what I did to her, that if she had been born, even if adopted, if by that time I still felt that I didn't want the responsibility of her, she would not have experienced such huge rejection, and such disregard for the worth of her life that she did experience with me,  and earned such a lowly self worth.........for the long, painful, griefstricken time, until all her tears were spent.  Emotions out of harmony with love that caused me to run away from responsibility, from wanting to give the gift of life &  caring for that baby, my fears of this......  I feel that there is more processing in these areas for me to feel. 

I also feel that many feelings that I have experienced are not necessarily what I have experienced so much inside my own mothers womb, but have been what my daughter has experienced in my own womb, which is part of my repentance, to fully feel what she has experienced.  To feel the full extent of what I have done, how I have harmed another.

Anyway I still have part 1 to finish and all of part 2 to watch.  But I thought I would share what I feel I may have been skipping over.

For more information about Jesus & Mary's teachings visit http://www.divinetruth.com/

Here are some flowers for you my beautiful Daughter.....
you visited me long ago, you gave me flowers....
I hardly thought that I deserved them at the time and that you should forgive me,
for all the terrible things that I have done to you, so I was still rejecting you my darling!
You and Your Beautiful Celestial Spirit Mother, were reaching out to me.......to help me heal!!!!!! 
You invited me to your birthday one time, I remember.....you were such a joy, Melody Joy, 
If I had only given birth to you, beautiful child of God, I feel that surely I could not have wanted to give you away.
I am so sorry that I didn't give you that chance.....