You Are Supposed To Love Your Mother

This is a poem I had written in July, feeling a bit too shy to share my innermost feelings, owning up to the yuckyness in me, of exposure of what I might look like, because of expressing these feelings.

I have been emotionally processing since, still, and am at the space where I realise that if I still want to blame, I am not taking responsibility for how I feel, and if I don't want to own what I have done in my life, even though my mother has played her part in her beliefs entering me, and what she has done that has caused me to believe something to be the truth, if I don't own what I have done, and avoid how I feel, by blaming, which keeps me in anger and resentment......I will never get to my grief of that mothers can do that, their mother's did it, their mother's mother's did it and so on. It may be offensive to some, not intentional, just my feelings.

I also realise now that I have been under great pressure from some spirit women, who rather than feeling their own grief about their life, they blame others, who are the easiest to blame, the unborn, the babes, the innocent little children....  The one's that did not cause that feeling in the mother, she already had it inside her. 

I feel I am in a cage, or am a puppet, and that my life seems like it is not really mine.  I have lived my life by another's rule, ideals, beliefs, in my addictions to please, to be accepted, and to not feel alone, to feel I belong, rather than unwanted and unloved........some raw rage let lose!  There is more there yet, as it seems that I have not yet accepted the truth that although I was influenced by my mother's upbringing of me and my hook into still pleasing her, and the women spirits, no matter what, the penalties still lay upon my soul, even if I had moved over in the passenger seat of my vehicle and be influeced, I still made the choices and did the actions in my life, even if puppet - like.  When I accept this totally, the grief will flow.

Some of the feelings may have been what was projected at me from angry mother spirits, through mum, these are emotions in me to be expressed out of me, 

What happened to me was unjust, and that is the truth, what I did because of my lack of love was unjust, what happened to my mother when she was a child, was unjust and so on back through the generations.....

You are supposed to love you mother above all else,

above yourself, she is an angel in disquise

in societies eyes.

Or you are the worst person in the world.

Deprived of liberty,

and personal space

Here I am doing the same

to my girl.

Yes, even if she is

a 'lowly beast'

Just as I was the

'lowly child'

In the here and now

My princess,

she's a horse

I treat her just the same

How I was treated as a child

I remember now how I felt,

Mummy was angry

I did not want to do what she wanted me to

She'd shove me around angrily, bully me,

Take over me, take over my space

"This is for your own good"

"Here put this jacket on, you'll be warm"

Wool made me itchy

It was my fault of course for not co-operating

I was just really little

In my confusion, I wasn't allowed to feel how I was feeling

and was made to feel naughty and BAD

and that it's my fault that mummy feels this way

"You make me so angry"

I feel ashamed

I am not allowed to say what I feel

To express how I feel

I am affraid

I am being attacked

Because it's my fault and I deserve it.

I am not allowed to be me

Even though I do not know how I am SUPPOSED to be

I am not allowed to be the way I am

I have to do what mummy says

or she will stay angry at me

she will keep pushing me around.

"Be good for mummy" and mummy will love you

Doesn't she mean - mummy will stop being mean

to you, stop blaming you, & stop hating you & telling you

it is ALL your fault this happened.

She had 3 young babes and couldn't cope

I was the youngest

 

I feel so unloved

I feel so alone

I feel so unwanted

I feel so much lesser than

I feel affraid, confused, ashamed, not allowed, trapped.

I feel so BAD in my tummy & my in my being

And this has been locked inside for over 40 yrs

and I treat others just the same.

GOD, how could I do this, when I know how it feels?

How can I do the same? How can I do this too?

I wasn't shown Love

She wasn't shown Love in her life

And her mother wasn't shown Love in her life either.

ALL LITTLE CHILDREN

and shown - no, this is what 'love is'

'love' is to get MY approoval OR

you will be shown dissapprooval (unlove - anger, hate, bullying, blame, fear,

resentment, jealousy, put down )

I don't like unloved I don't like how it feels.......like confusion, trapped, blame,

terror, alone, unwanted, made fun of, punishment, a waste of time, a waste of space,

and no matter what I will never be as good as you.

So I guess I go for  -  mummy's 'love' though

There isn't anything else

Daddy is too busy

My brother & sister are finding their own ways to get "love" too, and don't need another one to make it seem like there is less and less for us all !

"Now this is all for your own good"

It is not that mummy is in a hurry and has no time to muck about.

It is all so very sad, I feel so much grief.

I am an adult now

but when I am with my mum, I am that child

And still tells me that I shoud put on a jacket before we go.

I joke and ask if she should do the same......and, does she need to go to the toilet before we go?

And if I am crying, about it now,

Mum still thinks it's no harms been done
"Oh, that was years ago!  Aren't you over that"

"It's too late now"

"Women my age don't need to feel all of that OLD STUFF, it's not respectful"

"Of course I loved you, you silly thing"

"But children should do as they are told"

"Parents these days don't punish their children enough"

"It never hurt me" 

"It never did you any harm"

"You were a good girl, mostly, when you did what you were told"

"Mother knows best"

"You are just trying to make me feel bad for being a GOOD mother to you"

"How dare you, you are so disrespectful"

"I would be a BAD mother, if I had an unruly child"

"THOSE mothers who have unruly children should be ASHAMED of themselves"

As a child, in the end, it is easier to do mummy's will, to get mummy's approval.
And close myself off to the full experience of the overwhelm & grief of not being me.

This is what I learned to do.  To close off the real authentic me

Because she (me) is BAD, it is her fault, she is to blame.
I didn't like being the BAD one.
I didn't like being me, I didn't like being myself, SHE doesn't feel good

Be a chameleon of what my mother wants
Losing touch with me
Feeling blame for how mummy feels......it's ok

This is not the Truth....

Please God, mother of my real me, my soul, show me the real Truth,

Am I bad, cause mummy tells me I am? 

Do you feel the same about me?

Oh yeah, by the way - I didn't have children

Well, actually that is not true, I did get pregnant once

But I killed my unborn foetus, I killed my child, I aborted her.

I felt I would be a BAD mother, and I didn't want to be a bad mother.
 

A bit of Ironey, Hey

I did not want my child to have to experience what I did

Look at what I taught my daughter 'love is'

I truely showed the amount of love that I had in me.

"Mummy knows best"

"This will be good for you, much better for you in the end"

I did not know what LOVE would do

I couln't feel, what LOVE would do.

I only did what 'my amount of "love" would do'

It hurts so much, it tears me up inside

My mum and her's couldn't feel what love would do either

I invaded my daughters personal space,

I took away her freedom, her choices

I feel my daughters anger at me, she is allowed to be.

I feel my own childlike anger towards my own mother

trying to harm me with her unowned, unfelt, projected thoughts & feelings, and her words

"I want to kill you, you little bastards"

"I want to strangle you little bastards"

"You're usless",
I remember these words & sentiment, plain as day, not remembering so much words of encouragement"
 

I see a big knife, in my minds eye, trying to stab into me

I feel the emotional pain of what I did to my own daughter,

From my mother's own bottled up rage and frustrations, now in me

Stabbing, seeking her out, until destroyed, until that problem no longer existed

My mother killed my older teenage sister's unborn babe

She showed me what you do, how you get rid of that shame! 

Her rage she did not contain, it seemed spelled out, quite plain.....

CHILDREN WILL NOT DICTATE MY LIFE TO ME

I WILL BE IN CONTROLL

YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

CHILDREN ARE LITTLE UNRULY BASTARDS, AND NEED A GOOD KICK UP THE ARSE

I'LL FIX THEM, I'LL BE THE WINNER, WHERE'S YOUR FATHER

YOU ARE, the winner mum

I am afraid of you

I am terrified to have a child

I am yet to feel these fears that I have shoved down inside,

And the terror of this giant ogre you made in my mind - my father

To this day I still feel

Like my mother sometimes would like to smite me

From the face of the earth so I did not exist

As I remind her by just by being,
......of feelings she does not want to feel.