I have not discovered who I truly am what gifts that I have yet to be discovered in me!
The truths that you get from God and your Guides are like a pod of information, that you feel in your heart, and understand but no words have been spoken to you, and you all of a sudden know a whole heap about that truth, that is more difficult to convey to the minds of others, as you have words to put it into and it depends upon the other person’s soul willingness to understand that truth in their heart, and I guess how much in your own heart it has been felt.
Recently, I have been feeling into dependency,
This morning I was shown a nipple that was running with milk, and told by a spirit to take it, suckle on it! I did not trust that at all, and realised it was a spirit who was trying to pretend to be God, placate me ( or my guides were showing me plainly, what, in my addictions basically happens with the placating spirits in the past that have been with me from a babe). I was talking to the spirit, saying that I did not want to depend upon it anymore, that I wanted to love God now and learn what God’s Love is, and what it is like just to have faith and trust in God. So much confusion came up about who to trust and not being able to trust myself (hence the addiction to spirits) and fears that my spirit friend was feeling just before we disconnected. Today just allowing myself to be in that fear and confusion, experiencing it.
Afraid of change, that was a big one that the spirit with me fears as well. This is a big fear in me, that stops me from progressing full steam ahead.
INGREDIENTS IN THE COOKING POT
These are the ingredients in the cooking pot lately..........The start with I fractured my wrist roller skating, doing something I really wanted to do!! It was my birthday and I spent the day at the hospital, waiting to have an X ray and some plaster.
Had been giving lifts to a friend into town who didn’t have a licence and her husband was sick & couldn’t drive, and various other places a few times a week for 5 months.
A bit of confusion, about what my soul really wanted? Did my soul not want to act lovingly? ( and why or why not).
Did a spirit want to have a laugh at me and push me over (and how that feels that a spirit would do that).
Projected fears from others, telling me that their friends etc had broken appendages from their experiences of roller skating.
Whether I was punishing myself, or beliefs that God is a punishing God, and whether this was a message to show me how out of harmony with love that I am, or wether my acting in love brought up all the error.
Also, my fear of judgment, of what others would now say to me about my obvious damaged arm and damaged soul.
What did it put a stop to :
1. Giving lifts into town and my time while my friend did her grocery shopping, necessities & medications for her sick husband & other things.
2. Me earning money to paint pictures for sale and doing mural that had the potential to earn money to pay some impending bills, and workshops with children. Basically cut off my source of income. I had been trying to control this process since quitting my job 2yrs ago. Firstly, the band I was playing in was no longer existent, so that income dried up, then I tried to control my money situation by selling paintings, going back to my familiar art again, which seemed to flow like water for a while.
In giving my time with lifts to town, I was helping a friend in need. It felt that I would be unloving and selfish to not give the lift and I actually felt like I wanted to do it. My intention was to be of service, and to learn about serving others and to learn to become more loving and discovering what my errors are, in the way of purely serving from love.
While doing taking this friend to town, this seemed to put a bit of a brake on the things that I planned to do for myself. To be able to be loving I needed to own my feelings that this brought up for me in different situations, I needed to recognise all of my emotions and not judge them, simply to feel them. When I didn’t want to feel them, then those feelings would get projected onto the friend, unlovingly, so my act of “love” was now unloving and I damaged her from my attack of projected emotions and damaged/darkened my own soul from my act of not wanting to be responsible for the feelings in me and to blame it on another who did not cause it in me. I will grow towards love once I take ownership of my feelings and to experience them, rather than living in them.
IN GOD’S EYES WHAT IS VIOLENCE
My anger, my fear, my judgement, my condesention, is an act of “violence” , an assault either physically, emotionally, or energetically, whether I took it out on them physically, abused them with my words, or just thought about what I would like to say. This act of violence towards another has darkened my soul, (made it shrink, I have gone backwards, away from love) has caused me karma, I have compensation now on top of my emotional error still to feel.
Looking at it simply........like going up a set of stairs or a game of snakes & ladders, taking action towards love, (where love is at the top, and error, or out of harmony with love is at the bottom ) Acting in more love than I have in me I go up one, or a few stairs, keeping in mind if I did it with the intention of love, my soul grows, my soul can grow, and I can proceed go upwards. Next move , in the course of a day I might decide to take action with my intention being unloving, this action will take me back to the start. Bummer, then the overall look is a lot of energy put into going up and down, up and down , up and down, staying on average, the same, without showing an overall progression.
I can grow towards love in little steps! If I chose just to desire to act in more love, that’s all ..............to take an action that is a bit bigger than where I am currently at..........I don’t have to be perfect in love NOW to be able to grow in love. So don’t give up! In the explanation of this is I may have lost the meaning a bit, so I suggest you watch the You tube ............has helped me put all of this into perspective!
I did discover, If love is your original intention, you can grow from the experience, even if you make some mistakes. I am pleased, as I am still learning more about love and what makes me tick.
So many emotions have come up about money, and doing stuff for free, or gifting.....
Remembering years ago that I would not donate my time to local events, to perform a puppet show, would only do it if I got paid, upset that people think because you have fun and their work they do in their everyday lives they perhaps didn’t enjoy doing, so in that they really deserved the money that they earned, and that, you don’t need to have money doing something that you enjoy doing. I feared that they wouldn’t even appreciate that just like them I have bills to pay and need to buy food to eat also in this money oriented system that we have created. I didn’t think twice about donating my time refilling toilet paper for these same local fundraisers, or serving food, or emptying garbage. I had a feeling inside of me that I thought my puppetry was more special than what others were doing for free, that everybody and anybody could do! That was a judgment and a half and I wanted others to treat me like I am more special than they are! So there was error on both sides, but I still held fast onto my judgement that I had something that was better than what they had, I was really arrogant.
God was helping me to see, to get a bigger picture than just my own emotional errors, if none of us had judgements about housework, cooking, emptying garbage, the wide variety of things there are to take care of be responsible for and enjoy doing , and are in our gift of passion, or giving a gift of service, every action would be out of love and a joy to be doing.
Feelings about Dependency
Feelings about being dependent upon others, events that have happened in the past, that have clouded my trust in others, or caused me to enter into unloving barter systems, to expect and demand and to treat others with resentment when they don’t do for me what I want. For example as the youngest child, as a baby, discovering how I have used this to my own advantage in getting others to give me what I wanted......feelings about mum(her control & my demands), my siblings (their control & my demands), my desperateness to feel that love is “giving me what I want” and doing every on loving trick in the book to get it , to avoid feeling how unloved I felt as either not that cute baby anymore that others pander to, or that baby that that person and spirits with them find it hard to not blame for being the “last straw” or the “straw that broke the Camel’s back, many more feelings too about dad, feeling like a burden and a financial strain, feeling like the cause of money woes, feeling that dad didn’t like me or love me, feeling like the projections coming from dad were very, very painful and that I have been addicted to pleasing the partners in my life so that they do not project this pain at me. Attracting men that blame me and punish me for financial stain, men that feel like they are to blame for financial woes, or men that want me to look after them financially........all of these, my soul has attracted to show me my error beliefs about Men, Love, Money.
That desperateness of not being able to do for myself to get the things that I need to survive, to live without physical pain, without hunger pain, afraid of physical pain.......not wanting to feel the emotions behind pain, such a need for others to provide, so that I can avoid all of these feelings, not trusting God or allowing God into my life, in my addiction to others. And not wanting God’s Love if it means to feel all of this!!!!!
Love is a Gift, it is given out of pure desire, that person or entity does not do it out of addiction of getting you approval, or expectation of something in return, it is a gift, not a right, not your’s to demand. How you see God’s Gifts, your appreciation and gratitude is up to you.....we perceive these gifts, and what is attributed to having been given, from the condition of love that is in our soul, how much love or truth and how much error or untruth.
Other Little Things That Have Come To My Attention
Stuff comes to my attention, in little ways, on face book, a lady crying about being charged to get into a concert to see a band.
People always want something for free, that was the angry voice behind the post, and don’t appreciate what I have to give, demanding others to make them feel appreciated and special......including me, pointed out to me at end of process!
Another thing that came to my attention from a friend, telling me “are you still giving your works away ” (as in donating some of my paintings to different people & places, and selling paintings too cheap in her mind). Two old friends saying your paintings are too cheap. People fearing that others will steal their copyright, taking photos of their art without permission, taking ownership and earn money that they won’t get for themselves. Another artist that I know twice in one week, noticing that his painting was for sale for $3000, and another saying “he’s ‘gotta earn a living you know” (Me feeling that it is a struggle to get a small amount for paintings at times, but also feeling that it is good to have paintings that haven’ got a huge price on them as you get to do paintings to your heart’s content, and share yourself, your gift with people. Still not understanding that my gift is a bottomless well, it is endless, and is for me to share with everybody whether they have money or not. There is still something in me that I haven’t wanted to change, and is in error and not trusting in God, that in acting in love and giving yourself in love.
(I’ve left the copyright & ownership one’s in this discussion, as a reminder to myself that I haven’t got to that cause and the truth of that yet.)
In the shower afterwards, talking to God and feeling grateful l to God that we have water, and so much has God given to us, everything this earth has in fact, without a huge bill at the end of it to pay him back for the privilege!
Unlike the money system that seems we allow to rule our human lives and our belief system here on earth...
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