Self Worth, Feeling Lesser than, that I am to blame, Judgement, Being Blind to the Truth

As the Child Feeling Like I am to Blame

If I don’t write the experience down near to the same day, it often is just gone.  I will try to remember the general guist of it, so that the process of what the feelings where that started it, and  where it went to, to find the cause of that particular feeling.

General feelings in the cooking pot: 

Feeling unhappy when I awake in the morning, no smile on my face, no desire, things don’t satisfy me like they used to....are they my true desire?  Or are they my addictions?  When I am in my addictions, they do not even satisfy me anymore. Feeling dissatisfied,  but not wanting to know why, not wanting to feel my emotional condition, and wanting to think that I am in a better condition,  than I actually am, after all of this time of doing this emotional processing work/lifestyle.  
Discovering each day, it seems like, that there is way much more error, and thinking, when is it going to end, and do I want to get off this “ride”. 
And feelings that it is too late and I will never be able to be satisfied with life the way it was, or the way it is now, and feeling I am halfway, hanging out, in a type of limbo.

Which is more real than me just wanting to be in avoidance by keeping too busy in my life to notice, keeping pleasing others, to get that emotional “fix”......that does not satisfy me any more, it atcutally feels wrong and not right and not fulfilling.

Feeling like I don’t know what I am supposed to be doing, I don’t want to do anything, I am bored, confused, I am feeling like I am just waiting, for earth changes to happen, to come and take me or to leave me, and not wanting to live my life, as why would I bother.
 
Living in fear really, rather than trusting my soul and trusting the process of coming back into harmony with love, whether it be here on earth or in the spirit world.

And not just wanting to live in my passions and desires and trusting in those, to aid me to come back into harmony, no matter how long it takes, those passions & desires that help me to be where  my soul really wants to be, whether that is alive or dead. 

The trigger:  A Guy came around to assess our house for some re-financing that we have been looking into.  I had been in town for 3 days, and previously had my arm in plaster, and prior to that not the greatest amount of energy (had been weak for a few years ), so the place has been unkept for a while, lots of jobs becoming one huge effort to do and me only taking chunks of it out, when I have had the energy (here I still arm with excuses).  So the house wasn’t that great, I was feeling pretty ashamed, of my little messy place and also ashamed that it isn’t really a flash house at all, in size and construction, or well maintained, falling apart.......a reflection of me really.  Of what is in my soul, I don’t want to look after myself or my house, taking responsibility again!

What causes me to not want to take responsibility for myself and my environment?

The feelings.........the effect emotions at first where low self esteem, there were a bunch of spirits helping me feel this was, it went on for a while, and I said to God, right, obviously I want to feel that way because it is easier to feel than the real cause.

My mum’s voice came into it a lot too.  Hearing her words one time (reffering to my shed and cabin that I lived in at the time and rented out my house to pay the mortgage ) “You live in a shit hole, you were left with a shit hole to live in” (referring to after divorce....what inside my soul I obviously believed, for her to tell me those words )

Feeling that this is all I am, this is all I am worth

Remembering back mum yelling at us girls a lot, about keeping our rooms tidy, (probably about us living in a pig sty, and turning her house into a shit hole) threatening to burn our stuff.  So then you would put the stuff away in fear, or then when you were older, she didn’t do what she said she was going to do, you would do it out of rensentment to stop her yelling at you and insulting you. Somehow believing something about yourself that had been ground into you and not resolved.

In the bottom of the cupboard near the head of my bed, where mice, they would chew stuff up and make nests, and squeek, and smell.  I didn’t know how to stop them from making nests. It was the cupboard where you would just throw the toys and piled up junk in.  

Mum never taught me to do house work, she never taught me how to change my ways, how to take some responsibility, she had no patience, not wanting to spend much time of teaching me how to do many things, and seemed to only be happy in telling me that I wasn’t very good at it, if I did try to help, and to go away, and that she gets frustrated to have to go over the top of what I have done, because it is not good enough, causing her more work and more stress, to keep the house perfectly clean, that was never clean because of 3 children a dog and a husband “that didn’t care”  It seemed like she got something out of having somebody to blame, to hold that person there while she got angry about it so that they would witness that she is angry, but not teach that person....so that she could still blame that person.........not wanting to heal the situation.  Just wanting to feel the power that anger and blame and judgment gives,  and having something to yell about. Using the anger to get all the extra work done.

The Cause

My own grief.

Mum not wanting to feel her own grief (which was in me already), causing more of these feelings in me.

It really was hurting in my heart, these unexpressed feelings, got lessened by feeling it.....the discovery of the simple truth of what was emotionally going on.  That mum wanted to keep me feeling lesser than, so that  she could keep punishing somebody for the way that she felt, and also though, still feel superior, to stop herself from feeling how bad it feels to be in her own skin, nobody caring, feeling unloved, unnoticed, unrewarded, life is a drudgery, children are so much work and are ungrateful & lazy (a carry on belief from her own younger siblings, and sick of being made feel responsible for them ), all of which ended up in me, plus my own feelings about that, it is my fault, I am to blame, not good enough, not being able to make a difference either way.

Some very deep grief emotions that mum and spirits would want to do that to me and lots of fear, feeling those painful projections.  I realising of the grief & pain that Yeshua had told me that was in my soul, that even then I was still so disconnected from,  quite a few months back now. (no doubt this is just the tip of the iceberg )

Discovered some self hatred, in believing that I deserved that somehow, and wanting to hate me for being the cause of mum being angry frustrated and unhappy.  It was good to have that energy just come unstuck and just flow through me.

I am glad that I broke through into these emotions and into the fears and the grief, rather than staying just at the level of feeling that I am worthless, and that worth can only be gotten by having better “things”. 

To be seen through others eyes as being worth something.....as I said, probably still just at the tip of the iceberg.

I am not sure if I have hit the self care thing totally on the head yet, for myself and my environment, will see if there are more facets of it, the proof will be when I totally take responsibitily and just all of a sudden change and be having the desire and energy to do all of those things.  Although I have my plaster off now and I can brush my hair a bit better, the wrist is taking a little while to get the flexibility back into it, still some fear, to do with males I feel , I got angry last night for Tony wanting to take more than his share of the blanket, and leaving me with less.

I want more to make me feel better, but I don’t want to deal with why I feel like I have less. 

All I need is to cultivate a desire to know why?  God will tell me, via my law of attraction, his messenger of truth, to show me what error’s that I believe in are still in my soul.

And a desire to have God to help me discover the answers, and these feelings.  

So I guess feel into what caused me to feel like I am lesser than a male, that I deserve to have less, trying to make the male give me an equal portion or making them responsible for me feeling good,  ....probably some more divorce emotions to get into, the emotional beliefs I got from mum about money, becoming my belief towards men, (wanting to take on and agree with angry women)....and wherever that leads me!

FELT SOME TRUTHS FROM GOD....and my Guides

My fears trap me and constrict my life, and stop me from seeing and feeling the truth.

I am not that......those feelings, those emotions, that tell me that I am and that I cannot be anything different, and I am not those spirits who feel that way too, helping me to feel an intense version of the effect emotions.

My soul can be healed, those emotions can be emptied out of it, and filled with love, I can change and I can grow.

If I think I am poor,  I am not really seeing the truth.....I have a house to live in, I pay a very little, I have food to eat, but I am not grateful at all for what I do have.

You cannot stop others from judging, but you can feel your feelings.

How I treat others in this judgment, people that have more, people that have less. How I am uncaring and unloving too.

There are many others that have nothing, nowhere to live, no food, those that starve, those that die, and I am kept busy feeling my own effect emotions.  I ignore easily those that have less and are hurting too.

These things are only possessions, things.  Things cannot truly make you happy, as they can be gone in a flash..............leaving the feelings still there, and it is these feelings that stop you from feeling happiness, and seeing the Truth and acting on the Truth

This was not justifying how I was feeling in order to not feel, God did not tell me this stuff before I processed these emotions. God wanted me to feel my error, and told me these things when I was willing to experience it and let it out of me. 

I when I was a kid, remembering mum wanting to have a better “lot” in life....why didn’t she deserve to have what other people had (looking at people who seemed to have more in life than her) and not realising what she did have, resenting others (us kids) for being the cause of not having those things that she wanted, or wrecking those things when she did manage to get them, and also fearing that we would wreck them if she did get them, so she would rather not have them.  Not really wanting the responsibility at times of having children, as opposed to having the things that she wanted, seeing it that she couldn’t have both, not wanting to own and feel her griefs. 

Not seeing many people were renting, paying money that they had to find from somewhere just to live.  Not seeing that her husband did build her a house to live in from his own bare hands, other people had mortgages to get themselves their homes, before money for food was taken into account.   Oblivious to what others may be going though. These feelings, all inside of me, blinding me also.

This sounds very logical, but until then, the mind had only thought about the logic, but that didn't heal me of it, trying to think about it differently.  The truth hadn’t entered into my heart, because of the emotions that I believed to be true in my heart, were drowning out the logical Truth.  When I experience these emotions fully, I see the Truth. 

Act on these Truths, that is now up to me to do this.......to help the change come about 

God’ Truth is Logical and emotional.

My dog just spews up in the house, (some angry women spirits still in my head ) I clean it up realising, I still have lots more emotions about feeling like I am the cause of mum’s unhappiness.....