“Like a Zombie Wasteland, Void of Any Love”



Like a Zombie Wastland Void of Any Love



A feeling described to me  as part of the hell where a male spirit who has been with me for a very long time, was in, and gets to avoid a bit when hanging out with me.   I guess my soul was there too in that feeling, or even just by association with him, and not knowing him as separate to me.

What did I not want to feel?  It was a male spirit, so the emotional cause was to do with dad....... That dad did not love me. That dad did not have the love to give as he was not shown the love himself.

I was afraid of violence, especially physical violence, when dad had to punish my older siblings for when they had been “naughty” for mum ( I was a baby), to be that threat to us so that we would do what she wanted us to. (just noticed probably more to feel in this department to do with mum, have done some of it in the past )  I did not receive the physical violence, but I feared the threat of it, so I would comply out of fear not to.  To the point where nobody would have to threaten me, just have a thought of it.

The spirit, what he did.........  Took out his frustrations about females onto me, (whatever had happened to him ) a helpless frightened babe, who had done nothing to him, but hooked into dad’s feelings that I triggered for him by simply existing, me the last child in the family being such a financial strain and a burden, and life being happier without children, and my feelings of being “bad” and accepting the blame, that dad’s feelings  were my fault. (dad’s feelings were an act of violence, but I didn’t want to believe that dad did not love me, it was my fault & it was ok for him to blame me.  Following suit, the spirit found a punching bag, or a horn bag & performed sexual abuse on me.  I accepted it, as it was not as bad as my terror of being hit.  But the feelings inside me were of  violation, helplessness, and not having any way of stopping that from happening, that my private parts were not my own, anybody had access to them at any time, dirty like I deserved it, yet at the same time it wasn’t fair, like my female parts were there for men to abuse, to take out their anger out on.  These are the types of feelings that I felt.  Don’t really remember the abuse so much as the feelings, although, I feel there was me at older ages that remembered the long term abuse feelings.  Kind of all a bit weird, too because it was abuse from a spirit.........people tell you they are not real and it is all in your imagination, “just night terrors” (there have been lots of emotions to do with not being able to trust myself as to what is real and what is not, as I was taught not to trust myself )

Later, the little damaged child in me at various ages and the adult now, had an emotional, truthful and  chat with the spirit, and also telling dad how I felt (dad is a spirit, has been for about 24yrs )  To let the spirit know that what he had done, and was doing, when I was still allowing, was not loving , and was damaging to his own soul and my own soul.  He argued at first and said that it was my fault, that I had put the invitation out there.   I did agree while I have any of those feelings still inside of me, it is a bit like a welcome mat at my front door for spiritual abuse, but he was a large part of the cause in me for this welcome mat.  He became remorseful, to the honest feelings coming from the damaged child’s words in me, to him.  I was able to forgive him and love him, not feel badly for what he had done,  and  help him to desire to change and to receive help to make that change for himself to find that forgiveness in himself for those that where the perpetrators that caused the damage within himself, rather than to seek revenge in the very sad manner that he had.

As an adult with a wounded child’s feelings inside me, what have I learned to do with that injury?  To sexually project at men, if I was afraid in any way that there could be an act of violence, to first get the approval, their attention so that things would never get that far.  I guess I would do this so that they would like me and not blame me.  If there was any fear of threat, to allow them to predate on me sexually, (mostly sexual projection) so that they would not attack me in other ways.  

As an adult I did attract an older man (best friend to my  husband I had just split up with.  My Ex, who was an older man as well, had bragged in the past about me as his “prize” younger bride, I guess the friend wanted to check it out)......I must have felt like I deserved to be treated that way.  The neighbour, and “friend” started to physically and sexually be violent with me, thinking that this was his opportunity to take advantage of me, no longer “protected” by my husband, could see that there could be something in it for him.   He had been investigated before for sexual harassment.   I yelled and screamed and told him to get out.  The anger attack worked to get him away from me....although I realise now, no in harmony with God’s Love. (around 2001)  I have since worked through the fear of that attack, and have not attracted a Law of Attraction like that one with the volume turned up like that.  I guess that was part of not accepting the way that men treated me, and speaking out!  I was not acting in love, but fear (living in it) and attacked back, so I incurred some damage to my soul from my own reaction and the feelings that I did not want to own and projected back.   I took a leaf out of another lady’s book and told any people in the community I came accross, fearing that he would want to attack other women.  In the process I found out a whole string of other women that he had harassed in the community.  At the same time as me, he did sexually harass a woman that was renting my house out, and I didn’t know how I could protect her, and felt still violated that he would predate upon her, on my own property.  My ex, still married at the time broke into my living area and helped himself to what he wanted, when he could have just asked for the key, and I would have given to him what he wanted.  It was a terrible violated feeling.  Hopefully today’s processing will have emptied out one causal emotion from my soul, leaving me one less to deal with!!!  I did feel my own Love for God, as a substance go out from me to God, and I felt some of God’s healing love enter me.  I felt it healing my arm that is broken at the moment, where I have been holding some resentment.  My uterus area, does not feel as tight, and feels more relaxed, I did feel a lot of yuk type energy leave this area, through the process.  And I felt quite a bit a peace and drifted off into a nice sleep.

I don’t feel that I have owned the feelings that I projected out to every female in the district though, which makes me wonder in my sleep state, do I go around with hordes of other angry women attacking men, in my fear. I guess I need to pray about this and want to know the reality of what I do in sleep state, in avoidance of feeling and experiencing my fear and my grief.

Reading through and correcting spelling etc, I can see more emotions for me to go to that I have not followed through with.  I don’t know if I am unloving in telling “a story” or whether how pure my desire is to give an example of something that has happened, how I have got to some causal emotions, different events that were a law of attraction,  that may be triggers for feelings of things that have happened to whoever is drawn to read this article.   But I feel if you have the basics of the teachings of Mary and Yeshsa, www.divinetruth.com, then you will be able to see for yourself if I didn’t quite get it right, as an aid to help quicken your progression, rather than make some of the avoidable mistakes I have, but did not know at the time. Maybe I am trying to do that protecting thing, that is condescending? I am very sorry if this is the case.   I  didn’t think that I was, but I will see if that goe for me emotionally......