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| Do I recognise what Gifts I already do have in my Life? |
The rabbit hole started at getting a bill in the mail......so I had a cry about not knowing where the money was going to come from.
I'll bleed you dry, rather than feel my emotions....
Where does the money come from at the moment to pay the bills, my partner. This is a great strain that I unafairly project onto my partner. And the Law of Attraction for both of us is that his wage is being reduced by the employers, or by other governmental things ( law of attraction volume button is being turned up louder & louder ) I quit work nearly 2yrs ago to do the singing & art & emotional work etc. Sometimes I have money from sales of my paintings, or workshops, or performing etc. But it doesn’t flow freely enough at the moment to support us equally.....some emotional beliefs are stopping this!
At times I feel so “paniky” and want to just go and get a job to alleviate all of these feelings that I don’t want to feel. It seems too though the varietyof jobs that are available to me now are reduced as well, as I won’t have anything to do with meat selling, serving, so many jobs are not available to me where my most recent previous experience lies, (ie checkout sales, food industry) but there are still many other types of jobs that would be suitable and I would consider.
My health seems to still be the greatest excuse, and fears that I won’t be able to keep up with any sort of physical stress, or time pressure, that I would be sacked for being incompetent, an frowned upon if I become emotional. I had been at my last job for nearly 10 years and had become very comfortable and complacent, and a bit lazy, and not afraid of getting the sack.
The fact that I do feel a bit fearful about wanting a job, looking for and keeping it, is probably a good reason to start the process of going for job applications.
Where does the money come from at the moment to pay the bills, my partner. This is a great strain that I unafairly project onto my partner. And the Law of Attraction for both of us is that his wage is being reduced by the employers, or by other governmental things ( law of attraction volume button is being turned up louder & louder ) I quit work nearly 2yrs ago to do the singing & art & emotional work etc. Sometimes I have money from sales of my paintings, or workshops, or performing etc. But it doesn’t flow freely enough at the moment to support us equally.....some emotional beliefs are stopping this!
At times I feel so “paniky” and want to just go and get a job to alleviate all of these feelings that I don’t want to feel. It seems too though the varietyof jobs that are available to me now are reduced as well, as I won’t have anything to do with meat selling, serving, so many jobs are not available to me where my most recent previous experience lies, (ie checkout sales, food industry) but there are still many other types of jobs that would be suitable and I would consider.
My health seems to still be the greatest excuse, and fears that I won’t be able to keep up with any sort of physical stress, or time pressure, that I would be sacked for being incompetent, an frowned upon if I become emotional. I had been at my last job for nearly 10 years and had become very comfortable and complacent, and a bit lazy, and not afraid of getting the sack.
The fact that I do feel a bit fearful about wanting a job, looking for and keeping it, is probably a good reason to start the process of going for job applications.
What stops money coming to me?
What stops me receiving gifts from God....my beliefs to do with receiving things via mum & dad (other males and females ) through Tony my partner and through other people, but believing ......not through God, only the middle man. So therefore I enter into addictive relationships to keep receiving from others. I then have expectations. I give what I have to give, so that I can recieve what they have to give. My gift of giving is tainted, it is not truely a gift of Love, but of hoping to get something back, that I believe in my injuries that I can't get from anywhere else, and in recieving it, feel some kind of acceptance, or what I think is"love". There is an expectation that this person will love me and reward me and an emotional error in my refusal to take on the responsibility of doing it for myself.
Expecting anything from anyone certainly does not allow them the true freedom of purely giving the gift of their Love, In my expectations, I will never feel the love of their gift, until I empty out my injured emotions in my soul that cause me to have these expectations of recieving gifts from others, (in my beliefe that this is the only way to get get stuff when I have no money & can't physically do it for myself). I will never feel the depth and breadth what God truly has gifted me already and what God has a desire to Give to me. I limit what comes to me!!!!!!! I limit how I can give. (I didn't know that in my heart, just then, until later)
Not working certainly helps to bring up a huge amount of helplessness about money, and that I am helpless to get what I want for myself, and what I do emotionally, and how I act to get it.
Expecting anything from anyone certainly does not allow them the true freedom of purely giving the gift of their Love, In my expectations, I will never feel the love of their gift, until I empty out my injured emotions in my soul that cause me to have these expectations of recieving gifts from others, (in my beliefe that this is the only way to get get stuff when I have no money & can't physically do it for myself). I will never feel the depth and breadth what God truly has gifted me already and what God has a desire to Give to me. I limit what comes to me!!!!!!! I limit how I can give. (I didn't know that in my heart, just then, until later)
Not working certainly helps to bring up a huge amount of helplessness about money, and that I am helpless to get what I want for myself, and what I do emotionally, and how I act to get it.
Walking home from the letter box crying......
Why aren’t I allowed to have money,?
Why aren’t I allowed to have money,?
Don’t I deserve to have money?
Don’t I deserve to have what other people have?
I feel lesser than others......that God doesn't Love me like he Loves others
Getting more into the nuts & bolts of it
When I got home, I was crying about the feeling of a huge amount of helplessness, having some fears about dipping my toe into it & diving in deeper once it started to get closer to the locked down childhood stuff. The current stuff, fears of making ends meet, fears of if my partner would care enough to consider me in his money hassels, about not being able to feed myself, and give to myself suppliments that my body needs at the moment for feeling stronger and being able to work & function better, not being able to look after my dependants (dogs & cats & horse for their health needs)......... going right back to helplessness as a baby, it became just feelings being expressed out of my body, (and afterwards at the end I could feel some changes in me like a spirit had moved out of my bladder and uterus area) but along the lines of being hungry and fears....if that person didn’t come back and feed me about the physical & emotional pain in my body increasing and not going away.......not wanting to feel that pain, affraid of that pain and going deeper into it. This is the point where I ask God to help me desire to go deeper and to keep wanting to feel, and help me discover what my block to getting deeper. Also asking...God is this the pain that I have feared for so long and not wanted to feel? Is this fear & desiring to get away from it what has attracted spirits to come to me and comfort me, and for me to form emotional addictions to them The Big One, that keeps me overcloaked by spirits in my desire to still have my addiction?......in my not wanting to feel this pain, & if I can’t get the feeling of Love from mum, or dad, what I have done is to seek that solace elsewhere.....God won’t give into my demand! God wants me to feel my grief, which is in and underneath the emotional pain. Believing that mum & dad don’t love me, that God doesn’t love me, but until now only wanting to feel my resentment of that, (denial emotions) and not my true emotions (causal emotions).
Somwhere in there a belief came to me that God’s love hurts. Love hurts. If I feel Love, that I will feel the pain, thinking that the pain (my emotions I want to avoid ) is caused by other's Love. When I was in the space of demanding “love”(what I wanted ), Mum being loving and not giving into my emotional demands felt painful & I believed that she was not loving me, or somehow that love=pain. Something crazy mixed up like that, in a line of many mixed up emotional beliefs.
Fearing God’s Love, that when it comes to me, I will feel this pain, this baby feeling, so I don't want it. My adult understanding, getting mixed up with the baby stuff, being that when God’s Love comes to me, I will feel the disharmony & pain in me, it has to all leave me before I will feel God’s love enter me. Fearing the pain, and that it will be so great......not wanting the Love. To get to feel God’s Love though, there must be an emotion in me that actually wants God’s Love to come to me, that wants to get to know what God’s Truth & Love is!!!!!
Somwhere in this all there was a layer of HOT Shame to be felt through, in my face and my eyes, and my tears.
Many layers of Fear, chattering of the lower jaw, crying and flowing urine. Don't worry I often process while sitting on the toilet. All sorts, God doesn’t love me, mum & dad don’t love me, how bad it feels to feel not loved, alone, so dependant upon others, and so helpless to be able to help myself.
Exposing a whole heap of fears
That feeling of more afraid of living than dying again, would rather die than feel that painful emotion. Wanting to die, and be in the spirit world as when I was a child some nice spirits would “Love” me and help me to get out of my body and the emotional pain in it and never have to come back to that pain!!! The emotional pain of not feeling loved.
Fear of Death, believing that it has to be painful, so I can’t die to get to the spirit world, because I am afraid of that pain. But wanting to get to the spirit world, as there are so nice loving spirits there (the ones that help me stay in my addictions ) if I could only by pass the feelings in the body.
Fear of Living, fear of feeling the pain, either in death or in life. Not really afraid of the spirit world, but just afraid of the passing from the physical state, into the spirit state. Fear that God doesn’t Love me, that God's love isn't gonna be what I want it to be.
Fear of Death, believing that it has to be painful, so I can’t die to get to the spirit world, because I am afraid of that pain. But wanting to get to the spirit world, as there are so nice loving spirits there (the ones that help me stay in my addictions ) if I could only by pass the feelings in the body.
Fear of Living, fear of feeling the pain, either in death or in life. Not really afraid of the spirit world, but just afraid of the passing from the physical state, into the spirit state. Fear that God doesn’t Love me, that God's love isn't gonna be what I want it to be.
My intellect also tells me there is probably some more fear to work my way through, to do with when the spirit body passes through the earth sphere, when it leaves the physical body in sleep state, and being afraid of the earth bound spirits who don't look or feel so nice, fears of what will it be like if you die, and if can't go back to your body anymore, or can't go into the spheres and get trapped with the earthbound spirits forever!!!! This is only me intellectually thinking about what else it could be related to though, for future processing, but I did not get into feelings like this today.
Truths That I learned emotionally in my heart, explained in words
This is what I have managed to grasp today, and will attempt to convey in words, but it is only an intellectual understanding conveyed this way. It has taken a few years to understand this, thinking that I knew things in my soul, and thinking that my soul had grown, when in reality, I only knew them intellectually. The soul learns differently to the Intellect. As a brief example, I can be always trying to be loving , (which takes constant vigilance, and can become exhausting ) or I can just automatically love from the amount of love that I am in harmony with, in my soul....which is never exhausting.
God Loves me now at this moment, even if I am emotionally injured, that I can receive Love from God, if I can develop a true desire for it. Even though having emotional beliefs about Love that are out of harmony with what Love Truly is, if I have a desire from my soul, I can still receive God’s Love.
God Loves me now at this moment, even if I am emotionally injured, that I can receive Love from God, if I can develop a true desire for it. Even though having emotional beliefs about Love that are out of harmony with what Love Truly is, if I have a desire from my soul, I can still receive God’s Love.
The amount of Love from God entering my soul and helping my soul to grow, is dependant upon my willingness to feel my emotional errors and release them as I receive God’s Truth. If I do not want to recieve God's Truth, the amount of God's Love can only come into me with the amount of understanding emotionally about Love, that I have in me, that I am willing at a soul level to accept. I still need to act upon that truth in my life. That is one of the reasons why some of these emotions come up for me again to learn more about, as I have not fully accepted and acted upon the Truth that God teaches me.
That I am the only one that stops myself from feeling God’s Love. All this time, from babehood to now, and I am now 48, I was the only one standing in the way of it!!!
That I have been demanding love from God and my Celestial Guides, and when I demand their love, they do not give it to me, as it is unloving for them to do so.
That other people & spirits will give me their love when I demand it, out of their own emotional injuries. And that it is not loving to demand or to give into that demand. It satisfies emotional addictions in each person, and staying in addictions never helps either person to get into their causal emotions, only to feed these addictions and stay in denial.
What the energy of my demands feels like to the other person....................basically.......like in the Grinspoon song “I’ll Bleed You Dry” The truth when I am in that unloving demand, it is like I want to suck their energy, syphon their “love” from them. I take from them and they feel depleted, if they have give into my demands. I will still feel hungry though, as I have not fixed up this hole, or pit of error, in my soul.
If they don't have an injury, they will still feel my demands, but it will repel them. They will not be attracted to give into my demands. I cannot take from them, and in my error, I believe that they are the ones that are being unloving! When they are not. And I feel that they do not Love me, when they are actually acting in harmony with Love.
What the energy of my demands feels like to the other person....................basically.......like in the Grinspoon song “I’ll Bleed You Dry” The truth when I am in that unloving demand, it is like I want to suck their energy, syphon their “love” from them. I take from them and they feel depleted, if they have give into my demands. I will still feel hungry though, as I have not fixed up this hole, or pit of error, in my soul.
If they don't have an injury, they will still feel my demands, but it will repel them. They will not be attracted to give into my demands. I cannot take from them, and in my error, I believe that they are the ones that are being unloving! When they are not. And I feel that they do not Love me, when they are actually acting in harmony with Love.
Feeling & accepting the Truth of what I have done in my unloving demands to God, to my Guides, to other spirits, to other people, to my partner, to my parents, helps me to feel remorseful, and to feel my True Grief.
Today I rested peacefully and blissfully, I have had some of God's Love come to me, in Truth, that I accepted, and allowed my self to feel my error, feel my remorse and my grief and be filled with lightness & Love in these darkened recesses of my soul that these errors & beliefs created.
So now, after all of this, I need to act in my life in harmony with the Truth that I have learned in my soul. So what does that look like. I will let you know.
Milly :)
So now, after all of this, I need to act in my life in harmony with the Truth that I have learned in my soul. So what does that look like. I will let you know.
Milly :)
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