In my last post about my experience of abortion, I was hoping that I did not come accross as judgmental, but after listening to the interview I feel I still judge myself in some way, well then, I am still going to project judgment towards others, whether I like that fact or not, until I work through that emotionally, all my associated fears of how judmental society is about the act of abortion.
I also noticed that I still haven't really worked through many of the reasons emotionally for eg, when I first got into the new reltionship with my exhusband, not realising I was pregnant to my last partner, in conversation, he had complained that he had thought that his last child was not his, (child had red hair, his or hers wasn't red) and his dad had also brought up a child that was not his own, it was a mate's child who had died in war. He did not have a lot of trust in women & not really believing that his child that he raised was his.
So I have realised that I need to delve more into why I would rather murder my child through the act of abortion, to please a man and not put him through that sort of event again... or think I am pleasing a man, or act upon any unhealed emotions projected out of him, out of fear that he would not want me if I had this child.
At the time he did not try to sway me either way in my descision making. Years later he said that he would not have chosen to do that, but I acted out on what I thought that he wanted. Why would I do this act of abortion, and take the life of my girl child, & treat her life as unimportant & lesser than, and my needyness of getting loved by a man and appoved, doing what I think a man's wish would be. I thought of what was on TV when I was growing up, "I Dream of Jeanie, Your wish is my command oh master" stereo type brainwashing. This all opens up a can of worms that need to be processed, that I have skipped a little as not so important and probably given some effect emotions more importance. I do want to get it right, after hindering her progression so much until now when I have decided to take responsibility for what I have chosen to do, hopefully help to make it better, easier, for my daughter to help her in anyway that I can in her own progression from now on.
So more emotions around what things I was running away from in splitting with my ex partner, getting with a new one, finding I was pregnant, having the abortion, how I have helped an abortionist, my hired gun, to damage their soul yet again every time that they perform an abortion believing that they are doing a service that is loving. The extra work that I have caused to a beautiful nuturing spirit or spirits who held my daughter and loved her dearly as she grieved & healed from trauma, and taught her about love, that she did not learn from me in any way. The fact that I have slowed down her souls growth to a huge extent, from what I did to her, that if she had been born, even if adopted, if by that time I still felt that I didn't want the responsibility of her, she would not have experienced such huge rejection, and such disregard for the worth of her life that she did experience with me, and earned such a lowly self worth.........for the long, painful, griefstricken time, until all her tears were spent. Emotions out of harmony with love that caused me to run away from responsibility, from wanting to give the gift of life & caring for that baby, my fears of this...... I feel that there is more processing in these areas for me to feel.
I also feel that many feelings that I have experienced are not necessarily what I have experienced so much inside my own mothers womb, but have been what my daughter has experienced in my own womb, which is part of my repentance, to fully feel what she has experienced. To feel the full extent of what I have done, how I have harmed another.
Anyway I still have part 1 to finish and all of part 2 to watch. But I thought I would share what I feel I may have been skipping over.
For more information about Jesus & Mary's teachings visit http://www.divinetruth.com/
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| Here are some flowers for you my beautiful Daughter..... you visited me long ago, you gave me flowers.... I hardly thought that I deserved them at the time and that you should forgive me, for all the terrible things that I have done to you, so I was still rejecting you my darling! You and Your Beautiful Celestial Spirit Mother, were reaching out to me.......to help me heal!!!!!! You invited me to your birthday one time, I remember.....you were such a joy, Melody Joy, If I had only given birth to you, beautiful child of God, I feel that surely I could not have wanted to give you away. I am so sorry that I didn't give you that chance..... |
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