Maybe it would have been easier to recall my feelings not long after I experienced them, but I was busy experiencing them, and now it seems I would like to remember the experience because of its beauty of the Love & Truths received.
I woke up from a dream crying from the shock of the Truth in the dream. In the dream, Yeshua said to me said the words - I will never get to heaven. WOAH! Hold on, but that's what I'd thought I had been working towards now for a few years? The feeling coming to me, well it must be truely how I feel in my soul, that even when I am dead, and in the spiritworld, that I will still be so self relaint, that I wont want anyhelp that is offered to me to get to Heaven, and that I will be in that self relaint space for eternity! Which had the effect helping me to reach some very deep grief, openend up a big space of feelings inside of me I didn’t know was there.
In the dream too, I felt that my friends had moved on to a place where I could no longer go to, I saw Mary walking away, following Yeshua, some huge feeling welled up in me, a realisation of my wanting to hold onto their coat-tails, wanting to be part of their journey, and not really being in my own journey with God and my own soulmate, the realisation of the fear of how alone I feel on this path to God, that my soulmate doesn’t want to make this journey with me, and I am so afraid to step away from him and step into that unknown.
It feels like such a lonely scary place. I felt that I didn’t really believe how could I trust that God loved me, that I was not worth loving, that i am nothing, when mum and dad did not even love me, they wanted to take the creation from God, and change it, it was no good, not how it was. That in reality nobody loved me or had even noticed the real me, the soul the Gift, that God had given to them. That mum and dad did not even recognize the Gift that God had given to them, only recognising the idea of “look what I have created” with no recognition that God had anything to do in the whole scenario, that the reason why they wanted to change this perfect gift from God, was because it reminded them of how they felt when the came into awareness of themselves, and they wanted to forget it and not experience that feeling.
Feeling so alone, mum and dad, and my brother & sister did not notice ME, my soul mate does not want to recognise ME & US. There is no real feeling of US just right now, and a feeling, that I do not belong anywhere, that I feel so empty in side, just allowing myself to feel this empty feeling, knowing & praying that this emptiness be opened, for me to dive into it and feel the deep grief well to the surface and engulf my whole being. It did not destroy me like I feared, it felt a relief.
There was much remorse in me too, how I have treated others, as not recognising the Gift that each brings to the world, my daughter, who I aborted, and just discarded as if she was NOTHING........................aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, what a realiseation. That is the exact emotion I was avoiding when I did it, OMG! Not treating children with equality, all of my brothers & sisters, on the planet, my friends, my "enemies" of the past, old people, males, my parents, my siblings Not recognising the other Great Gifts of animals, plants, all the God has given us on this earth!
Feeling through the remorse of my needyness of how I have projected at others to notice me, make me feel like I am special, that I exist, so I don't have to feel how bad it feels to be me! Oh yes, this needyness is in me so deep! It has been a hard one to get it out of me and to stop doing! I don't even know if it is all out of me yet or just another layer!
God’s love came to me, I could really feel this love coming from my real Mother and Father, both at the same time, after my needyness for this love had gone and I was experiencing my real grief. God was with me all the way, through the process “talking” to me about the Gift that I am. For the first time in my life I understood in my heart, that I am equal to every single person who is on this planet and who has ever existed, I am equal to my mother & my father, I am equal to my siblings, I can get there to God, as God made me equal to my brother & sister Yeshua & Mary, that I am not so LOWLEY, that I will never get to HEAVEN, like I felt in my soul, that I did not belong to God. I know now, that is where I belong, with God, God “told me”, I feel it now! After I grieved that I do not belong anywhere on this earth.
I never really experienced this truth to such an extent before! The grief of what I believed myself to be compared to what God feels and the Truth of who I am. I was perfect, a perfect Gift from God given to my parents, my family to the world!
I wanted to shout the wonder of how God feels about me to the roof tops!!!! And to share with the world the wonder of the Truths that I recieved, it was all so clear! I was filled with such Love!
No comments:
Post a Comment