Using a Lack of Love as an Excuse to be Unloving

I find I have been using that I have a lack of love in me as an excuse.  An excuse to be unloving, to stay unloving, cause “I don’t know how to love yet” and to not desire or want to believe that I can receive love from God, a belief that I need to be perfect, before I can be loved, it is all so convenient, to believe that I cannot change, so then I don’t even try, let alone learn to trust the process that God has created for us to learn to love and to receive God’s Love.

I have been looking after a garden for a friend, who has had to be away from her garden that she and her partner love dearly.  It feels like a baby, and an honour to learn how to care for it.  To Gift it my love!  I might get it wrong!!!!  I might have some deaths,  or I might help it to sustain it’s life, and even to grow!!!!!

In this, I am learning my parents, though not perfect in God’s Love, did have man’s natural love inside of them, they gave me the gift of the love that they had inside of them that they had at that point in time to give to me, even though it may have been damaged!   I realise that I did not give my child the gift of love, (my only child, that I aborted ).  I did not take on the responsibility of caring and nurturing and growing the little baby inside of my belly, that had such potential to become a magnificent growing garden,  that at some point in time it would be up to her then to become the drought hardy one, the food bearing one, or the tranquil, soul feeding one, or the many other types of gardens there can be.  I have talked about her in previous posts) And here I am the child in me still crying in my addiction demand to feel loved, instead of just grieving, a feeling in me of not feeling loved,  until it is no more of that feeling there and then accepting a Truth from God about the love, recieving it into my heart.

 Seeing the unlovingness in my judgement of them, through the reflection of my caretaking of this treasured child (the garden).  I am not perfect in God’s Love, I see this as a long way off, and yet I am still capable of some sort of love!  The garden is not quite as scary as the caretaking of a baby! 

At the moment, I just water it.  I did not create it, I do not have to do all the hard physical work of digging, preparing, planting, I have done this on my own property in the past, transforming a bush block into a place where there is something quite nice, but it is not as Loved like this garden I am watering at the moment.  I even received some love back from this garden today, in the bounty of strawberries ripe to pick and eat!  I must say though, I did feel guilty in receiving this love!

I also visited another garden today.  This garden has been really loved as well, it reflects that love that it has received back to you.  It does not have food for the body growing in it, but it has food for the soul in it’s beauty, and tranquillity!

I did have this passion inside of me once, to dig, prepare and plant.  But something had died in me.   My strength melted away, my body can only do the physical work of the watering now.  I used to only do the hard physical work before, having a hardy garden that could withstand drought and look after itself. I only did enough watering to sustain the plant for a short period of time,  until it was strong enough to cope itself.  I never used to grow plants that were food plants, as they took too much nurturing, I believed that I could not do that.

My mother is an avid gardener, and she spends lots of time watering her garden, and has great success with her plants and has many varieties.  I do not have so many varieties, as some of them that are not suited, at some point in time have disappeared.   I have felt that I have been a failure in comparison,  and why bother to try to get any better at it.

Is this another metaphore.  That I have a belief in me from my childhood that I can never be as good at "loving" as my mother can?  Many things as the little child that I was not as good at doing.  I had to be good to get the approval, the “love”.  And then when I find out via my emotional processing that I didn’t actually feel loved much,  pretty much feeling disapproved of, nothing like the Love of what God has for me, at all. 

"Love is a Gift"

  

God just showers Love at me, like a fountain, like a waterfall, it is there all of the time, just waiting for me, to want it.   But I only wanted mum’s “love”.  But mum is not God, she is human, just like me, has emotional beliefs inside of her, just like me, in fact I inherited these from her.   I believed that she was a God, my little world revolved around getting mummy to love me. I did not really know much about God,  or God’s love didn’t seem to count in this relationship I had going, the mother that gave me my physical body, and took on the responsibility of caring for it, until I could care for it myself.  Neither she or I knew that God is my true parent, that as my caretaker, she is my sister,& my father is my brother, just as every other person is my sister or brother, and that we are the world’s children.

The baby requires so much nurturing, feeding, watering.......until it is capable of looking after itself a bit more each time it becomes more capable,  feeding itself, dressing itself, brushing it’s own hair, caring for it’s own environment,  preparing it’s own food,    But then does it believe it can do it for itself, does it want to do it for itself?  Here I am still a big baby, not wanting to do all that, still wanting to stay in the addiction of mum!  Being needy, projecting my needy - ness to all motherly type women! “ Look after me, I am not capable of doing it, I need somebody more capable to look after me!”  Mum wanted to feel like she was a good mum,  and nurture, and feed and water!   I didn’t know about God though, that God was my true parent, and mum did not know to teach me that either. She wanted to keep feeling needed, and wanted “love” although probably quite sick of the “needyness” coming from me to get her “love”.  (I was the last of 3 children)

When I first thought about looking after the garden, I thought I had nothing to give, so that I would not even bother to offer.  After some contemplation, and feeling what I desired though, I soon found that I did have something to offer, something quite precious, and something that has helped me to cry into feelings inside of me about my own inability, of feeling like I  do not know how to nuture!

God and my guides are such great teachers!  I am so glad I listened to my feelings! (which they helped me and encouraged me with to gain this valuable lesson )  I know in my head that I have been one sided in my DEMANDS for love, "that I should be loved", and not truly realising that my unlovingness in my demand!  Love is a Gift!  Love is not a co-dependant thing,  that we have all been taught that love IS.  It is just given from the heart, with no expectations, just given from Love!