"Dear Godette"

I have Felt the reality of God's Masculine Love,
but have been having trouble with God's Feminine Love

Dear Godette,

I just coined that name for You, the feminine side of God, after processing some emotions to do with the Truth of Mum just not having the love inside of her to Give, and that I did not feel loved by her as a child.  I can now feel that part of You God, as a reality, and that there is love there waiting for me. I feel that I did receive some of Your Love today while I was processing some emotions and having some emotional realisations of the Truth, but still have an unwillingness to be going wholeheartedly into desiring Your Love, or I would be feeling you more.

The emotional reasliations that I got to today were, that I had a different upbringing from my mum, my genetic mother, provided to the best of her ability what she didn’t get, and wanted me to have, that she would have liked to have had,  when she was a child.

I inherited her feelings though, the ones like, having to try and try and try to get noticed and be a “good girl” so that you will get the “love” from your mother, but no matter how hard you tried, you didn’t get it, or the attention, or the praise, or the encouragement, or the acknowledgement of who you are.... Just the blame for “making” mum feel  how bad she felt when she was a child that she did not want to feel, that I reflected to her. Mum wanted to sing, so I found out the other day, she was quite angry in that she did not get any help or acknowledgement from her parents.  She also liked art, and wanted to be an artist.  I guess she thought having a family put an end to her dreams.  I don't remember being praised by mum, for a job well done, just what I had done wrong really.  Maybe she talked me up to her peers, and bragged, to her older sister, who she seemed to be in a competition with of whose kids were better than whose, same role play from childhood. I had feelings too, that I was not very intelligent. I think that mum and aunty Joan, had an intellignece thing going on too!  I feel mum had going, if her children weren't viewed by others as being impressive, than she was of not much worth as a mother.

Well, I got into my fears like...... no matter how hard I tried that I would never be good enough, that God would not want me, because I am not good enough, the rage that I am not loved, that I am USED,  to blame for how she feels.....how unimportant, that I am nothing.....put here on earth with a job to be mum's emotional punching bag....more fears, fear of having anger inside of me that I am not allowed to express, affraid of fear (mum & dad) , that I am affraid to express.

Got into how I have acted in my life, with these feelings inside of me, felt the Truth of mum had no love inside of her to give,  and yes, I too had no love inside of me to give to my own unborn daughter, Melody Joy, who I aborted, and to my horse Princess, (my recent Law of Attraction event ) who has shared my life for the last 20yrs and died last Thursday, who had been slowly getting thinner & thinner, and nothing that I did seemed to help her. Emotionally or taking care of  the symtoms wise. (AJ's latest talk on the Law of Cause & Effect, speaking to me volumes here)

Doing the same as mum, I blamed Princess, for my feelings that I did not want to feel. same as I blamed my unborn child, instead of working through all  of the feelings being triggered by these events.

Not wanting the responsibility, a biggie!   I was fearful about many things (both horse and child ) she would die, fearful that I would be publicly shamed, RSPCA, or court, finned, fearful that she would be taken off me, fearful that I would have no money left soon to buy her food and care, fearful that she would suffer greatly if she lasted till wintertime.  Many of these emotions I had been feeling into since the start of Princess being unwell. It did not seem to change the outcome though, there always seemed to be another event that would happen that would hold her back from putting on more weight. There were lots of emotions to do with me as a child, a chucking up babe, and later in life when I couln't put weight on.

Also, there was some unfelt emotions about my mothers horse that was old and going to die at some point in time soon, that she had nowhere to put & asked to move the horse onto my property to be with my 2 horses, to spend the rest of its days with some company, as she had sold her property when she moved to be nearer to me in her own old age.  That way she swould have somebody to check on her, instead of being alone in her home town and fearing that she would die in her house and nobody would notice her for days, or weeks. (I've just noticed that there is still more emotions to feel into with this projection of fear from mum)  the horse died, (had to be put down ) and I felt it was my fault, that I was to blame.  

There seemed to come to me a great deal of generational emotions, about children, about animals, and also my own fears that I cannot cope with the responsibility, looking after a child, caring for a sick horse. who would love me and comfort me? Make me feel better?

Some of these emotions I have been feeling my way into during the time that Princess had been keeping on losing weight and getting skinnier. The "Not Feeling Loved " projection ......my feeling responsible for every bit of upsetness of my mum, & the burden of that feeling that I am to blame somehow,  huge terror of this terrible feeling, if I go there, I might die, (I would rather die than feel the full extent of it, I am realising, and lots of wanting to punnish myself - Is yet to be felt through )  not feeling loved, simplly not wanting to feel that, but doing the same as my mum, blaming my daughter and my horse for these feelings that I feel when I am faced with this predicament, the emotional beliefs inside of me causing me to choose these terrible actions of aborting, putting down, and not feeling my feelings, projecting my feelings onto the innocent,  blaming, in avoidance.   Get rid of it, get it over & done with, all to avoid. 

Princess was around 27yrs old, not a bad age for a horse so I've been told......the action of putting her down did ease her suffering immediately, which was a loving action,  but it helped me to see in me too, an element that I also wanted to end her life quickly too, because I didn't want to feel my feelings of how guiltly I felt that she suffered because of my feelings of not being able to cope.....so interelated with the feelings around the choice to abort my daughter as well. Get it all over with, forgotten, then when it is not in your face you can forget about it, and maybe the guilt will not be there in my face as well.

It really sunk in today, the action of both of these events.  What I did.  I feel I really stepped into owning what I did, why I did it.   Plain & ugly as it is.   I realised these emotions being physically felt in my body. I felt deeply in my heart of where the cause in me came from, and the realisation in my heart that my mother just didn’t have that love in her to give, that I didn't have the love in me to give. And that was the Truth of it all, felt this Truth emotionally and that it is so logical!! God was showing this to me, I wasn’t even there in my mother’s childhood to cause these feelings within her, so how could I be to blame for her feelings, and that we had both blamed the innocent!!!!!! 

In an earlier post, I mentioned, my mother had made my teenage sister have an abortion, my sister had another abortion when she was older, which I supported her in driving her there and back. I felt emotionally & bodily today too, my part in my sisters 2nd abortion, how sorry I was about my aid in ending her life.

A few years back,  my mother decided to move to the same area that I live in and be part of my life again, I realised that was the same timing as me starting to have some illnessess.  Some I have worked through emotionally and they have gone.  Some have degenerated.   I have felt so depleted  and more exhausted,  I had given away work, feeling, my body feeling fatigued and failing. I listend to a talk AJ gave about being so much in your addictions to please another that the soul gets sick, so that you have to stop giving and pleasing. That has been my addiction, to my detrement, of not wanting to give it up. So here I am on this strange knife edge.

I think the initial trigger for todays processing, was just some words that AJ said in a General Discussion DVD, “Questions and Answers Part 1 Feb 2010, Buderim, Qld”. He was talking about his fear now in this century, that he died in the first century because people thought he was arrogant, they did not understand the Truth of his words, the people thought he was saying that he was God, when he was saying he was the son of God, (just as we all are God’s Children ) and their thinking that “he was trying to say that he was better than them”. This was an instant trigger into mum’s Jealousy of Me. When I do my passions, my art & my singing, anything I enjoy and encell in, mum gets jealous she has never told me that she is proud of me (unloving projection from me!) I got the piano lessons, I was allowed to go to choir, I went to College to do Art, I got all the opportunities that my mother did not get! The feeling that has been in me, that I have had all these opportunities, but I still will never please my mother, even if I was a “success”. God does not feel this way about me, in my striving to please, to no end it seems, I am so out of harmony with Gods Truth & Love.

Sounds strange? It has all become clear though emotionally to me now, I didn’t quite understand it until now though. I had opportunities that she didn’t get to have in her life. Although she did want to, she had a desire to provide some opportunites that she didn’t get herself, a life for me that supported bringing me out of myself, I was extremely shy, but a natural singer and artist. She did not get these things, or these opportunities, herself as a child or now,  because of being a mother. One hand giving, but the other hand taking. Although encouraged, crushed at the same time! It does sound strange! 

She did not work through her emotions of this and projected all of these feelings of blame onto me, which caused me to believe that it was my fault how she felt. I was very good at singing and art, they were my passions, but I felt I was never going to be good enough no matter how hard I tried to please her and do what she wanted, so that she would feel good about herself.

But instead of feeling how bad I feel about myself and the grief of this, I got into some addictive relationships with some spirit mothers, who had experienced similar things in their own childhood. In thiese addictive relationships we coul all avoid how we felt. I could avoid my emotions by being soothed and placated by these women spirits, and they could feel good about themselves (Angry women spirits who are angry at their own mothers and affraid to feel their feelings of fear and grief). The fact that I have these angry women spirits with me that are angry at their own mothers, shows me that I share common emotions with them, for them to be able to be with me.

Godette, I feel you are real.....

Mum and these spirits do not want me to break these addictive bonds of me being the "good girl" and jumping through the exhausting hoops in pleasing , making them feel better about themselves, and me feeing "loved". They do not want me to stop, otherwise they may have to go back to feeling how bad they feel about themselves. They do not want me to outsource love either, they are very jealous of me receiving any love from anywhere else. They do not want me to get loved by or to love God, as they will feel they no longer have a purpose, if they are not a “mothering", who are they anymore.

I am finding it hard to break these bonds, as I do get punnished when I don't please.  I feel very used! I feel like mum does not really want to know me as an individual, Milly, she only wants to know me as her child, her creation, the one who was put on earth to make her feel good about herself, she is very possessive, has emotional investments in me.  She does want me to be a success in my art and music career, then something in her will feel fullfilled, yet at the same time somthing in her feels like she has missed out and all the rest of  the projected emottions. I feel great pressure too, that I will fail her, that I am a bad daughter, and never make her feel like she is a good mother. 

In my not wanting to go fully into this feeling of grief, that mum does not love me, I prefer to stay in these addictions of pleasing. But my body is tired. In my soul there must be a feeling where I do not want to do it anymore, and if I get sick, then I can’t do it anymore! I know that mum used to get sick every month with migranes, (her own soul not wanting to do all the hard work of pleasing everybody anymore, & also a tool to manipulate others so they will appreciate the work that she has done, and to care for her). So part of me must want this as well. So I guess the next part is, to feel is my grief of not feeling cared for, noticed for what I do do, appreciated.

But I am thinking if I am not feeling it, I must not want to, and I must want to hold on to my resentment of this a bit longer, probably some childhood anger, but some fear of that, and some fear of the bottom pit of grief,  as this is one of the BIG ONES for me.  I want to avoid more of my fear of not feeling loved by mum. Dammm and blast, (I got that saying from Nikos in Greece)

I feel quite a bit emptied though, now after this processing today, just the same, I feel good, that I have a growing desire more now to get to know the feminine part of God! I  am aware now,  in my heart that she does exist! She is there waiting for me to want her Love! This desire in me has taken a turn for the better, something in me has just changed, just today!  My desire for my True Mothers Love is growing!
from your child, Milly