I think this note is about my relationship with spirits, the angry women one’s again. They are there all the time, trying to influence my life, and I feel like I am living my mother’s life, not my own. My real feelings and what I want to do are so different to how I do act (or which is how I have moulded myself into what mum requires to keep her happy, and keep the addiction going). Although I do not act, on these feelings that are hers much anymore, and recognising that that is not actually how I feel! This may sound simple, but it is a huge place to get to in my own development in recognition in which bit is ME, as a person who has TOTALLY given myself away to the will of others and has not realised that that is what I have done since the year dot!
What sort of emotions that I have needed to keep feeling my way through to unhook from my addictions to the spirits, and of course, my mum. I am afraid of their anger, I am afraid of mum’s anger, and being REJECTED, especially by her, ‘cause then I really will feel like I do not belong, alone, that I am nothing, and it is all my fault (somehow). My addiction to the angry women comes in when mum does reject me, and I don’t want to feel it, and they become the mother that placates me and accepts me. Sort of complicated, but sort of not. I can run from one to the other, in avoidance of my true feelings. This is so terrible, to realise, I so much do not want to feel what it feels like to be me!!!!!!!!!!
I got into some emotions last night, afraid of mum’s anger and mum and dad fighting, got into some really deep yuuuuuuccckkky feelings that I feel inside of me. YEAH!!!! My house has been reflecting this BIG TIME lately, but I have not wanted to clean it up, also wanting to amp up what I am feeling (so don’t clean it up to avoid this feeling) till I cannot contain it anymore!I did clean it up today (the next day ) a bit, I noticed the angry women were still there wanting to blame the man, or anyone who was there, dog, cat, etc, using me as the vehicle. I did say out loud to the ladys that I am just being like mum, wanting to blame others for the way she feels and not taking the responsibility for it by just feeling it, and how bad it feels that nobody else cares about how she feels. My emotion to feel in that moment too................and at the end of it the Truth, actually God cares!There were so many feelings last night I will try to list a few, may be some triggers if you are reading.
Lots of Fear of mum & dad’s anger, arguing, more about them in particular, rather than fear of the angry spirits with them, feeling both mum’s and dad’s anger coming at me individually ( I realise now they argued HEAPS, everynight at mealtimes, I have had many problems with digestion, keeping weight on, was also a chucking up baby )
Really dirty, shameful, my fault, never to be able to escape these feelings, praying also to be shown when I was feeling spirits emotions rather than my own.
Feeling like mum’s possession, put on earth purely to be her (she didn’t hit me or yell at me in particular (although sometimes did)
Feeling dad didn’t want me,feeling blamed by him, unloved
Feeling of my older siblings didn’t want me, feeling their hate & anger, attack & blame, someone to pass on their own terrible feelings (the last on the pecking order thing) fearing not belonging, fearing alone
Hook into pleasing dad & sister & brother
Jealousy, big time from sister & brother, from me pleasing mum, or dad to avoid my feelings
Jealousy from my father, of me pleasing mum, rather than himself (choosing her side – agreeing with her that he was a naughty man)
Mum wanted me, (didn’t talk back, agreed, well behaved, smiley face, somebody she could project at, winge at, berate, treat however she wanted, that I would addictively still come back for another helping, do it again, more please!
Only had to take on her stuff, cop the “beating”, keep her “happy” huge hook into pleasing her
Some little Melinda rage, more fear, some shame
Such a desire for God’s love come in there somewhere, and
GRIEF........................empty of it eventually,
This is how I am feeling my way into unhooking from my mother’s influence on my life. Anyone got any insights who has got there for themselves?
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