Lovelly Bones

After watching "The Lovelly Bones" movie some more emotions were exposed to me. The movie, is about a teenage girl being murdered and is about her experiences she shares with us as she looks back on her life and her experiences in the spiriiworld.  In the end of the movie, she mentioned that she let go of the feeling of wanting to hold on to the world, stopped trying to make the world give her a feeling that she once existed on it.

This triggered lots of feelings in me......
I have been preocupied with death lately, I had a realsiation that one reason to die for me, would be so that I could "make" people stop and think of me and cry about me, that I would get some sort of attention from them.  A very unloving demand for some sort of "Love".  Some feelings in me I feel came from my dad as well, he died of cancer when he was 58.  (23 yrs ago now ).  I feel that he felt much like he did not get the love, and attention, or noticed, that he was a piece of furniture in our lives.

I processed a lot of grief feelings, at one point I got a bit more "intense" feeling that took me a little off to the side of what I was feeling, soon realised it was some spirits joined in, I must not to have wanted to go any deeper with the emotions I was getting into ( or I had just finished, but felt to be more impressive to God, I will do my processing to the "nth" degree), so I stopped. No point in feeling their tears, I can't do their emotional work for them, and I don't get any further with my own, when they jump in, just exhausted!   There are many, many, spirits who feel the similar feeling of getting something out of being "noticed" when you die, or "ripped off"cause they still didn't get noticed, that feeling inside of them unsatisfied.....as being a spirit they feel that they still don't get noticed!  Most people just do not even know they are there!

And previously reasons that I would want to have child, my unloving reasons being so that I have had some sort of proof in the world that I existed, in this child,  I left behind, so that I would be valid as a woman, and be like all the other women that have had children, so that somebody would love me and think that I was important to them.

I also have a niece and her partner who named her baby girl after me, which was an honour, a beautiful gesture on their part, that warmed my heart!  On the dark side of my emotional injuries, exposed after watching this movie, was a feeling that I already do not exist any more, in family's eyes, that I am already superceeded and redundant, that I no longer really exist.  It has been horrible to admit to, and yucky to feel through.

I am in the state more now where I do not judge these emotions, so then this allows more error in me to be ok with  being exposed and coming to the surface to be felt, a bit more orgaincally.

I feel a bit better about if I die now, that I wont be having expectations of people making me feel better by crying "for me" and that I might not be part of the mob, with those spirits who still feel unnoticed.
 And I have some kind of feeling in my heart, that will be explored further, and that feeling of God's Truth to grow....,that I can only describe as, perhaps we only die to get this feeling of being noticed, and that dieing is an emotional injury and a choice, we will it to happen. Of course there are many emotional beliefs to learn the Truth of about ageing.........

God, each day, I am learning more and more to appreciate my Lovelly Bones!