The Gifts that you have to give are an endless well!

I have not discovered who I truly am what gifts that I have yet to be discovered in me!

The truths that you get from God and your Guides are like a pod of information, that you feel in your heart, and understand but no words have been spoken to you, and you all of a sudden know a whole heap about that truth, that is more difficult to convey to the minds of others, as you have words to put it into and it depends upon the other person’s soul willingness to understand that truth in their heart, and I guess how much in your own heart it has been felt.

Recently, I have been feeling into dependency,

This morning I was shown a nipple that was running with milk, and told by a spirit to take it, suckle on it!  I did not trust that at all,   and realised it was a spirit who was trying to pretend to be God,   placate me ( or my guides were showing me plainly,  what, in my addictions basically happens with the placating spirits in the past that have been with me from a babe).  I was talking to the spirit, saying that I did not want to depend upon it anymore,   that I wanted to love God now and learn what God’s Love is, and what it is like just to have faith  and trust in God.   So much confusion came up about who to trust and not being able to trust myself (hence the addiction to spirits) and fears that my spirit friend was feeling just before we disconnected.  Today just allowing myself to be in that fear and confusion, experiencing it.

Afraid of change, that was a big one that the spirit with me fears as well.  This is a big fear in me, that  stops me from progressing full steam ahead.

INGREDIENTS IN THE COOKING POT

These are the ingredients in the cooking pot lately..........The start with I fractured my wrist roller skating, doing something I really wanted to do!!  It was my birthday and I spent the day at the hospital, waiting to have an X ray and some plaster.

Had been giving lifts to a friend into town who didn’t have a licence and her husband was sick & couldn’t drive, and various other places a few times a week for 5 months.

A bit of confusion, about what my soul really wanted?  Did my soul not want to act lovingly? ( and why or why not). 

Did a spirit want to have a laugh at me and push me over (and how that feels that a spirit would do that). 

Projected fears from others, telling me that their friends etc had broken appendages from their experiences of roller skating.    

Whether I was punishing myself, or beliefs that God is a punishing God, and whether this was a message to show me how out of harmony with love that I am, or wether my acting in love brought up all the error. 

Also, my fear of judgment, of what others would now say to me about my obvious damaged arm and damaged soul.  

What did it put a stop to :

1.       Giving lifts into town and my time while my friend did her grocery shopping, necessities & medications for her sick husband & other things.

2.       Me  earning  money to paint pictures for sale and doing mural that had the potential to earn money to pay some impending bills, and workshops with children.  Basically cut off my source of income.  I had been trying to control this process since quitting my job 2yrs ago.  Firstly, the band I was playing in was no longer existent,  so that income dried up,  then  I tried to control my money situation by selling paintings, going back to my familiar art again, which seemed to flow like water for a while.

In giving my time with lifts to town, I was helping a friend in need.  It felt that I would be unloving and selfish to not give the lift and I actually felt like I wanted to do it.  My intention was to be of service, and to learn about serving others and to learn to become more loving and discovering  what my errors are,  in the way of purely serving from love.

While doing taking this friend to town, this seemed to put a bit of a brake on the things that I planned to do for myself.  To be able to be loving I needed to own my feelings that this brought up for me in different situations, I needed to recognise all of my emotions and not judge them, simply to feel them. When I didn’t want to feel them,  then  those feelings would get projected onto the friend, unlovingly, so my act of “love” was now unloving and I damaged her from my attack of projected emotions and damaged/darkened my own soul from my act of not wanting to be responsible for the feelings in me and to blame it on another  who did not cause it in me.   I will grow towards love once I take ownership of my feelings and to experience them, rather than living in them.

IN GOD’S EYES WHAT IS VIOLENCE

 My anger, my fear, my judgement, my condesention, is an act of  “violence” , an assault either physically, emotionally, or energetically,  whether I took it out on them physically, abused them with my words, or just thought about what I would like to say.   This act of violence towards another has darkened my soul, (made it shrink, I have gone backwards, away from love) has caused me karma, I have compensation now on top of my emotional error still to feel.

Looking at it simply........like going up a set of stairs or a game of snakes  & ladders, taking action towards love, (where love is at the top, and error, or out of harmony with love is at the bottom )  Acting in more love than I have in me I go up one,  or a few stairs,  keeping in mind if I did it with the intention of love, my soul grows, my soul can grow, and I can proceed go upwards.   Next move , in the course of a day I might decide to take action with my intention being unloving, this action will take me back to the start.  Bummer, then the overall look is a lot of energy put into going up and down, up and down , up and down, staying on average, the same,  without showing an overall progression.

I can grow towards love in little steps!  If I chose just to desire to act in more love, that’s all ..............to take an action that is a bit bigger than where I am  currently at..........I don’t have to be perfect in love NOW to be able to grow in love.  So don’t give up! In the explanation of this is I may have lost the meaning a bit, so I suggest you watch the You tube ............has helped me put all of this into perspective!

I did discover, If love is your original intention, you can grow from the experience, even if you make some mistakes.  I am pleased, as I am still learning more about love and what makes me tick.

So many emotions have come up about money, and doing stuff for free, or gifting.....

Remembering years ago that I would not donate my time to local events,  to perform a puppet show, would only do it if I got paid, upset that people think because you have fun and their work they do  in their everyday lives they perhaps didn’t enjoy doing, so in that they really deserved the money that they earned, and that, you don’t need to have money doing something that you enjoy doing.  I feared that they  wouldn’t even appreciate that just like them I have bills to pay and need to buy food to eat also  in this money oriented system that we have created. I didn’t think twice about donating my time refilling toilet paper for these same local fundraisers, or serving food, or emptying garbage.  I had a feeling inside of me that I thought my puppetry was more special than what others were doing for free, that everybody and anybody could do!  That was a judgment and a half and I wanted others to treat me like I am more special than they are!  So there was error on both sides, but I still held fast onto my judgement that I had something that was better than what they had, I was really arrogant.

God was helping me to see, to get a bigger picture than just my own emotional errors, if none of us had judgements about housework, cooking, emptying garbage, the wide variety of  things there are to take care of be responsible for and enjoy doing , and are in our gift of passion, or giving a gift of service, every action would be out of love and a joy to be doing.

Feelings about Dependency

Feelings about  being dependent upon others,  events that have happened in the past, that have clouded my trust in others, or caused me to enter into unloving barter systems, to expect and demand and to treat others with resentment when they don’t do for me what I want.  For example as the youngest child, as a baby,  discovering how I have used this to my own advantage in getting others to give me what I wanted......feelings about mum(her control & my demands),  my siblings (their control & my demands), my desperateness to feel that love is “giving me what I want”  and doing every on loving trick in the book to get it , to avoid feeling how unloved I  felt as either not that cute baby anymore that others pander to, or that baby that that person and spirits with them find it hard to not blame for being the “last straw” or the “straw that broke the Camel’s  back, many more  feelings too about dad,  feeling like a burden and a financial strain, feeling like the cause of money woes, feeling that dad didn’t like me or love me, feeling like the projections coming from dad were very,  very  painful and that  I have been addicted to pleasing the partners in my life so that they do not project this pain at me.  Attracting men that blame me and punish me for financial stain,  men that feel  like they are to blame for financial woes, or men that want me to look after them financially........all of these, my soul has attracted to show me my error beliefs about Men, Love, Money.

That desperateness of not being able to do for myself to get the things that I need to survive, to live without physical pain, without hunger pain, afraid of physical pain.......not wanting to feel the emotions behind pain, such a need for others to provide, so that I can avoid all of these feelings, not  trusting  God or allowing God into my life, in my addiction to others.  And not wanting God’s Love if it means to feel all of this!!!!! 

Love is a Gift, it is given out of pure desire, that person or entity does not do it out of addiction of getting you approval, or expectation of something in return, it is a gift, not a right, not your’s  to demand.  How you see God’s Gifts, your appreciation and gratitude is up to you.....we perceive these gifts, and what is attributed to having been given,  from the condition of love that is in our soul, how much love or truth and how much error or untruth.

Other Little Things That Have Come To My Attention

Stuff comes to my attention, in little ways, on face book, a lady crying about being charged to get into a concert to see a band.

People always want something for free, that was the angry voice behind the post, and don’t appreciate  what I have to give, demanding others to make them feel appreciated  and special......including me, pointed out to me at end of process! 

Another thing that came to my attention from a friend, telling me “are you still giving your works  away ” (as in donating some of my paintings to different people & places, and selling paintings too cheap in her mind).   Two old friends saying your paintings are too cheap.  People fearing that others will steal their copyright, taking photos of their art without permission, taking ownership and earn money that they won’t get for themselves.  Another artist that I know twice in one week, noticing that his painting was for sale for $3000, and another saying “he’s ‘gotta earn a living you know” (Me feeling that it is a struggle to get a small amount for paintings at times, but also feeling that it is good to have paintings that haven’ got a huge price on them as you get to do paintings to your heart’s content, and share yourself, your gift with people.  Still not understanding that my gift is a bottomless well, it is endless, and is for me to share with everybody whether they have money or not.  There is still something in me that I haven’t wanted to change, and is in error and not trusting in God, that in acting in love and giving yourself in love.

 (I’ve left the copyright & ownership one’s in this discussion, as a reminder to myself that I haven’t got to that cause and the truth of that yet.)

In the shower afterwards, talking to God and feeling grateful l to God that we have water, and so much has God given to us, everything this earth has in fact, without a huge bill at the end of it to pay him back for the privilege!

Unlike the money system that seems we allow to rule our human lives and our belief system here on earth... 

LOSS OF MUM'S LOVE

I was doing some photo editing this morning, and filing photos, am came to photos of my horse princess who died recently.  I have grieved a lot, and asked God part way through my crying this morning...... What is this grief about?  Is this feeling like I am missing out on her company the real emotion?  The next set of feelings were about, yes I know she is happy now, she is in the spirit world, free and happy and choosing If & when she wants to be with people, I feel that she chooses to be with children and adults quite a bit, then my feelings went into exclusivity, was I grieving that I don’t have her love “to myself “anymore? Then I was in some emotions about not having mum to myself, having to share, and the grief of the loss of that attention, when she was no longer “doing stuff”  for me ( I was the youngest & no longer a baby) and grieving the loss of love when she was angry.

FEAR HAS NO POWER IN THE PRESENCE OF LOVE – Message to help a friend



"God"





And this truth has helped me to desire more to want to be with and my Loving Celestial Guides and desiring more to give up my addictive relationships with other spirits. 

The lessons came to me over a few weeks, I did journal a bit of this if you want to read, it’s warts and all on “Milly’s Vibe” blogspott.

Anyway, as brief as I can be, with the general guist, it takes a few spirits to project onto us so that we get into the state of more fear, and in that state by dragging us into the darkness of fear, so that we are closer to their own shade of lack of love, then we are putty to them, that they want us to believe fear is the most powerful place, and stay believing, & in this place they can control the situation and can govern easily with threats, and bullying and anger.  So we learn to either  fight it, and stay powerful in whatever way we can, or become a victim, or a bit of both, and form certain alliances with certain spirits to survive, and of course, they don’t like it when we don’t want to be part of any pack anymore.  It has felt a bit like for me, fiving up “drugs” giving up spirits, ‘cause they can be nice too, when it suits them, but boy they can be nasty when you don’t tow the line!  But they can never take away my soul, (they can never really harm me or kill the real me)  That my fear is the only thing that lets them harm me in any way!  And from the lessons that I am being shown, particularly through a sick friend’s situation, the soul is such a powerful thing, when it’s will changes!  His body is a healing machine, something in his will has changed dramatically!!!!!




"Spirit"

 

My hook into spirits, being, as I mentioned to you that I don’t want to feel how bad it feels to be me, so they help me there.  So that is my key, just grow the desire to stay in my body and experience my emotions bodily, of how it feels to be me!!! And the grief has been coming !  A few weeks back, it was so hard to stay in my body, it was literally moment by moment battle, they were trying all the tricks of the trade to help me to go out, so that they could stay in control of me.  As they have invested much time and effort into grooming me so they can use me whenever they want to jump in a body, and use me to avoid feeling their own emotions.  I’d become their puppet, their vehicle, a tool.

Also working out my true upsets with God, being really real, and my upset with my Celestials, and how do I believe that they are gonna be the same as mum or dad or other spirits.



God & our Celestials aren't so limited in the ways that they can help, when our will changes.

In the presence of Love, just one spirit with love, the light of love shines on the darkness of fear & exposes it for what it is. In front of Love, the fear that the spirits themselves are trying to avoid by being powerful is exposed, and amped up, like God's Love waves coming to earth, and shaking the error up to the surface, Unfortunately, many times the bright spirits can still find it hard to help the dark ones cause they shrink in fear of "attack" of the brightness of love, not understanding it. The celestials can turn the brightness of the light down, but the love is still there, shaking the fear to the surface. That's were we fit in, as we are somewhere in between , we can help the darkerspirits to understand what is realy happening.
The other thing I realised was that when I am overcloaked by the spirits, it feels so TERRIBLE to feel like them!!!!! (no wonder they want to escape for a while, and I feel quite a few fight over, it's my turn now.........) I am actually not as dark as they are, and it is actually easier to feel my own emotions than to feel theirs' and that is the TRUTH!!!!!! knowing what I know now, a child is groomed from a very young age to fulfil this "service" for the spirits.



I keep asking myself, why would I want to stay with these spirits? My beliefs are all out of whack! I don't understand love, but in my heart, I have felt how powerless fear is rendered when I allow my Guides to help me and I involve God by wanting to give up my addictions.



“Like a Zombie Wasteland, Void of Any Love”



Like a Zombie Wastland Void of Any Love



A feeling described to me  as part of the hell where a male spirit who has been with me for a very long time, was in, and gets to avoid a bit when hanging out with me.   I guess my soul was there too in that feeling, or even just by association with him, and not knowing him as separate to me.

What did I not want to feel?  It was a male spirit, so the emotional cause was to do with dad....... That dad did not love me. That dad did not have the love to give as he was not shown the love himself.

I was afraid of violence, especially physical violence, when dad had to punish my older siblings for when they had been “naughty” for mum ( I was a baby), to be that threat to us so that we would do what she wanted us to. (just noticed probably more to feel in this department to do with mum, have done some of it in the past )  I did not receive the physical violence, but I feared the threat of it, so I would comply out of fear not to.  To the point where nobody would have to threaten me, just have a thought of it.

The spirit, what he did.........  Took out his frustrations about females onto me, (whatever had happened to him ) a helpless frightened babe, who had done nothing to him, but hooked into dad’s feelings that I triggered for him by simply existing, me the last child in the family being such a financial strain and a burden, and life being happier without children, and my feelings of being “bad” and accepting the blame, that dad’s feelings  were my fault. (dad’s feelings were an act of violence, but I didn’t want to believe that dad did not love me, it was my fault & it was ok for him to blame me.  Following suit, the spirit found a punching bag, or a horn bag & performed sexual abuse on me.  I accepted it, as it was not as bad as my terror of being hit.  But the feelings inside me were of  violation, helplessness, and not having any way of stopping that from happening, that my private parts were not my own, anybody had access to them at any time, dirty like I deserved it, yet at the same time it wasn’t fair, like my female parts were there for men to abuse, to take out their anger out on.  These are the types of feelings that I felt.  Don’t really remember the abuse so much as the feelings, although, I feel there was me at older ages that remembered the long term abuse feelings.  Kind of all a bit weird, too because it was abuse from a spirit.........people tell you they are not real and it is all in your imagination, “just night terrors” (there have been lots of emotions to do with not being able to trust myself as to what is real and what is not, as I was taught not to trust myself )

Later, the little damaged child in me at various ages and the adult now, had an emotional, truthful and  chat with the spirit, and also telling dad how I felt (dad is a spirit, has been for about 24yrs )  To let the spirit know that what he had done, and was doing, when I was still allowing, was not loving , and was damaging to his own soul and my own soul.  He argued at first and said that it was my fault, that I had put the invitation out there.   I did agree while I have any of those feelings still inside of me, it is a bit like a welcome mat at my front door for spiritual abuse, but he was a large part of the cause in me for this welcome mat.  He became remorseful, to the honest feelings coming from the damaged child’s words in me, to him.  I was able to forgive him and love him, not feel badly for what he had done,  and  help him to desire to change and to receive help to make that change for himself to find that forgiveness in himself for those that where the perpetrators that caused the damage within himself, rather than to seek revenge in the very sad manner that he had.

As an adult with a wounded child’s feelings inside me, what have I learned to do with that injury?  To sexually project at men, if I was afraid in any way that there could be an act of violence, to first get the approval, their attention so that things would never get that far.  I guess I would do this so that they would like me and not blame me.  If there was any fear of threat, to allow them to predate on me sexually, (mostly sexual projection) so that they would not attack me in other ways.  

As an adult I did attract an older man (best friend to my  husband I had just split up with.  My Ex, who was an older man as well, had bragged in the past about me as his “prize” younger bride, I guess the friend wanted to check it out)......I must have felt like I deserved to be treated that way.  The neighbour, and “friend” started to physically and sexually be violent with me, thinking that this was his opportunity to take advantage of me, no longer “protected” by my husband, could see that there could be something in it for him.   He had been investigated before for sexual harassment.   I yelled and screamed and told him to get out.  The anger attack worked to get him away from me....although I realise now, no in harmony with God’s Love. (around 2001)  I have since worked through the fear of that attack, and have not attracted a Law of Attraction like that one with the volume turned up like that.  I guess that was part of not accepting the way that men treated me, and speaking out!  I was not acting in love, but fear (living in it) and attacked back, so I incurred some damage to my soul from my own reaction and the feelings that I did not want to own and projected back.   I took a leaf out of another lady’s book and told any people in the community I came accross, fearing that he would want to attack other women.  In the process I found out a whole string of other women that he had harassed in the community.  At the same time as me, he did sexually harass a woman that was renting my house out, and I didn’t know how I could protect her, and felt still violated that he would predate upon her, on my own property.  My ex, still married at the time broke into my living area and helped himself to what he wanted, when he could have just asked for the key, and I would have given to him what he wanted.  It was a terrible violated feeling.  Hopefully today’s processing will have emptied out one causal emotion from my soul, leaving me one less to deal with!!!  I did feel my own Love for God, as a substance go out from me to God, and I felt some of God’s healing love enter me.  I felt it healing my arm that is broken at the moment, where I have been holding some resentment.  My uterus area, does not feel as tight, and feels more relaxed, I did feel a lot of yuk type energy leave this area, through the process.  And I felt quite a bit a peace and drifted off into a nice sleep.

I don’t feel that I have owned the feelings that I projected out to every female in the district though, which makes me wonder in my sleep state, do I go around with hordes of other angry women attacking men, in my fear. I guess I need to pray about this and want to know the reality of what I do in sleep state, in avoidance of feeling and experiencing my fear and my grief.

Reading through and correcting spelling etc, I can see more emotions for me to go to that I have not followed through with.  I don’t know if I am unloving in telling “a story” or whether how pure my desire is to give an example of something that has happened, how I have got to some causal emotions, different events that were a law of attraction,  that may be triggers for feelings of things that have happened to whoever is drawn to read this article.   But I feel if you have the basics of the teachings of Mary and Yeshsa, www.divinetruth.com, then you will be able to see for yourself if I didn’t quite get it right, as an aid to help quicken your progression, rather than make some of the avoidable mistakes I have, but did not know at the time. Maybe I am trying to do that protecting thing, that is condescending? I am very sorry if this is the case.   I  didn’t think that I was, but I will see if that goe for me emotionally......

Grinspoon – “I’ll Bleed You Dry”Theme Song For Today’s Process



Do I recognise what Gifts I already do have in my Life? 



The rabbit hole started at getting a bill in the mail......so I had a cry about not knowing where the money was going to come from.

I'll bleed you dry, rather than feel my emotions....
Where does the money come from at the moment to pay the bills, my partner.  This is a great strain that I unafairly project onto my partner.  And the Law of Attraction for both of us is that his wage is being reduced by the employers, or by  other governmental things ( law of attraction volume button is being turned up louder & louder )  I quit work nearly 2yrs ago to do the singing & art & emotional work etc.  Sometimes I have money from sales of my paintings, or workshops, or performing etc.  But it doesn’t flow freely enough at the moment to support us equally.....some emotional beliefs are stopping this! 
At times I feel so “paniky” and want to just go and get a job to alleviate all of these feelings that I don’t want to feel.   It seems too though the varietyof jobs that are available to me now are reduced as well, as I won’t have anything to do with meat selling, serving, so  many jobs are not available to me where my most recent previous experience lies, (ie checkout sales, food industry)  but there are still many other types of jobs that would be suitable and I would consider.
My health seems to still be the greatest excuse, and fears that I won’t be able to keep up with any sort of physical stress, or time pressure, that I would be sacked for being incompetent, an frowned upon if I become emotional.   I had been at my last job for nearly 10 years and had become very comfortable and complacent, and a bit lazy, and not afraid of getting the sack. 
The fact that I do feel a bit fearful about wanting a job, looking for and keeping it,  is probably a good reason to start the process of going for job applications.

What stops money coming to me?

What stops me receiving gifts from God....my beliefs to do with receiving things via mum & dad (other males and females )  through Tony my partner and through other people,  but believing ......not through God, only the middle man.  So therefore I enter into addictive relationships to keep receiving from others.  I then have expectations. I give what I have to give, so that I can recieve what they have to give.  My gift of giving is tainted, it is not truely a gift of Love, but of hoping to get something back, that I believe in my injuries that I can't get from anywhere else, and in recieving it, feel some kind of acceptance, or what I think is"love".  There is an expectation that this person will love me and reward me and an emotional error in my refusal to take on the responsibility of doing it for myself. 
Expecting anything from anyone certainly does not allow them the true freedom of purely giving the gift of their Love,   In my expectations,  I will never feel the love of their gift, until I empty out my injured emotions in my soul that cause me to have these expectations of recieving gifts from others, (in my beliefe that this is the only way to get get stuff when I have no money & can't physically do it for myself).  I will never feel the depth and breadth what God truly has gifted me already and what God has a desire to Give to me.   I limit what comes to me!!!!!!!  I limit how I can give. (I didn't know that in my heart, just then, until later)

Not working certainly helps to bring up a huge amount of helplessness about money, and that I am helpless to get what I want for myself, and what I do emotionally, and how I act to get it.

Walking home from the letter box crying......

Why aren’t I allowed to have money,?

Don’t I deserve to have money?

Don’t I deserve to have what other people have?  

I feel lesser than others......that God doesn't Love me like he Loves others

Getting more into the nuts & bolts of it

When I got home, I was crying about the feeling of a huge amount of helplessness, having some fears about dipping my toe into it & diving in deeper once it started to get closer to the locked down childhood stuff.   The current stuff, fears of making ends meet, fears of if my partner would care enough to consider me in his money hassels, about not being able to feed myself, and give to myself suppliments that my body needs at the moment for feeling stronger and being able to work & function better,  not being able to look after my dependants (dogs & cats & horse for their health needs)......... going right back to helplessness as a baby, it became just feelings being expressed out of my body, (and afterwards at the end I could feel some changes in me like a spirit had moved out of my bladder and uterus area) but along the lines of  being hungry and fears....if that person didn’t come back and feed me about the physical & emotional pain in my body increasing and not going away.......not wanting to feel that pain, affraid of that pain and going deeper into it.  This is the point where I ask God to help me desire to go deeper and to keep wanting to feel, and help me discover what my block to getting deeper.   Also asking...God is this the pain that I have feared for so long and not wanted to feel?  Is this fear & desiring to get away from it what has attracted spirits to come to me and comfort me, and for me to form emotional addictions to them  The Big One, that keeps me overcloaked by spirits in my desire to still have my addiction?......in my not wanting to feel this pain,  & if I can’t get the feeling of Love from mum, or dad, what I have done is to seek that solace elsewhere.....God won’t give into my demand!  God wants me to feel my grief, which is in and underneath the emotional pain.  Believing that mum & dad don’t love me, that God doesn’t love me, but until now only wanting to feel my resentment of that, (denial emotions) and not my true emotions (causal emotions). 

Somwhere in there a belief came to me that God’s love hurts.  Love hurts.  If I feel Love, that I will feel the pain, thinking that the pain (my emotions I want to avoid ) is caused by other's Love.   When I was in the space of demanding “love”(what I wanted ), Mum being loving and not giving into my emotional demands felt painful & I believed that she was not loving me, or somehow that love=pain.  Something crazy mixed up like that, in a line of many mixed up emotional beliefs.

Fearing God’s Love, that when it comes to me,  I will feel this pain, this baby feeling, so I don't want it.  My adult understanding,  getting mixed up with the baby stuff,  being that when God’s Love comes to me, I will feel the disharmony & pain in me, it has to all leave me before I will feel God’s love enter me.   Fearing the pain, and that it will be so great......not wanting the Love.  To get to feel God’s Love though, there must be an emotion in me that actually wants God’s Love to come to me, that wants to get to know what God’s Truth &  Love is!!!!!

Somwhere in this all there was a layer of HOT Shame to be felt through, in my face and my eyes, and my tears.

Many layers of Fear, chattering of the lower jaw, crying and flowing urine.  Don't worry I often process while sitting on the toilet.  All sorts, God doesn’t love me, mum & dad don’t love me, how bad it feels to feel not loved, alone, so dependant upon others, and so helpless to be able to help myself.

Exposing a whole heap of fears

That feeling of more afraid of living than dying again, would rather die than feel that painful emotion.  Wanting to die, and be in the spirit world as when I was a child some nice spirits would “Love” me and help me to get out of my body and the emotional pain in it and never have to come back to that pain!!!  The emotional pain of not feeling loved. 
Fear of Death, believing that it has to be painful,  so I can’t die to get to the spirit world, because I am afraid of that pain.  But wanting to get to the spirit world, as there are so nice loving spirits there (the ones that help me stay in my addictions )  if I could only by pass the feelings in the body.
Fear of Living, fear of feeling the pain, either in death or in life.  Not really afraid of the spirit world, but just afraid of the passing from the physical state, into the spirit state.  Fear that God doesn’t Love me, that God's love isn't gonna be what I want it to be.

My intellect also tells me there is probably some more fear to work my way through, to do with when the spirit body passes through the earth sphere,  when it leaves the physical body in sleep state, and being afraid of the earth bound spirits who don't look or feel so nice, fears of what will it be like if you die, and if can't go back to your body anymore,  or can't go into the spheres and get trapped with the earthbound spirits forever!!!! This is only me intellectually thinking about what else it could be related to though, for future processing, but I did not get into feelings like this today.

Truths That I learned emotionally in my heart, explained in words

This is what I have managed to grasp today, and will attempt to convey in words, but it is only an intellectual understanding  conveyed this way.  It has taken a few years to understand this, thinking that I knew things in my soul, and thinking that my soul had grown, when in reality, I only knew them intellectually.  The soul learns differently to the Intellect.  As a brief example, I can be always trying to be loving , (which takes constant vigilance, and can become exhausting ) or I can just automatically love from the amount of love that I am in harmony with, in my soul....which is never exhausting.

God Loves me now at this moment, even if I am emotionally injured, that I can receive Love from God,  if I can develop a true desire for it.  Even though having emotional beliefs about Love that are out of harmony with what Love Truly is, if I have a desire from my soul, I can still receive God’s Love.

The amount of Love from God entering my soul and helping my soul to grow,  is dependant upon my willingness to feel my emotional errors and release them as I  receive God’s Truth. If I do not want to recieve God's Truth, the amount of God's Love can only come into me with the amount of understanding emotionally about Love, that I have in me, that I am willing at a soul level to accept.  I still need to act upon that truth in my life.  That is one of the reasons why some of these emotions come up for me again to learn more about, as I have not fully accepted and acted upon the Truth that God teaches me. 

That I am the only one that stops myself from feeling God’s Love.  All this time, from babehood to now, and I am now 48, I was the only one standing in the way of it!!!

That I have been demanding love from God and my Celestial Guides, and when I demand their love, they do not give it to me, as it is unloving for them to do so.

That other people & spirits will give me their love when I demand it, out of their own emotional injuries.  And that it is not loving to demand or to give into that demand.  It satisfies emotional addictions in each person, and staying in addictions never helps either person to get into their causal emotions, only to feed these addictions and stay in denial.
What the energy of my demands feels like to the other person....................basically.......like in the Grinspoon song  “I’ll Bleed You Dry”  The truth when I am in that unloving demand, it is like I  want to suck their energy,  syphon their “love” from them.   I take from them and they feel depleted,  if they have give into my demands.  I will still feel hungry though, as I have not fixed up this hole, or pit of error,  in my soul. 

If they don't have an injury, they will still feel my demands, but it will repel them.  They will not be attracted to give into my demands.  I cannot take from them, and in my error, I believe that they are the ones that are being unloving!  When they are not.  And I feel that they do not Love me, when they are actually acting in harmony with Love.

Feeling & accepting the Truth of what I have done in my unloving demands to God, to my Guides, to other spirits, to other people, to my partner, to my parents, helps me to feel remorseful, and to feel my True Grief.

Today I rested peacefully and blissfully, I have had some of God's Love come to me, in Truth, that I accepted, and allowed my self to feel my error, feel my remorse and my grief and be filled with lightness & Love in these darkened recesses of my soul that these errors & beliefs created.

So now, after all of this, I need to act in my life in harmony with the Truth that I have learned in my soul.  So what does that look like.  I will let you know.
Milly :)

MOTHERS DAY God, My Mother! – I love you!!!!!

Wow, what a gift I have received today, which is the day after Mother’s Day, my Daughter came to me and surrounded me with her love!!!!!!    I recognized and recieved love from her mother that took care of her in the spirit world, and I recieved love from God!!!!!

I spent a lot of time grieving in the evening of mother’s day, allowing my emotions that have been in there waiting to come out and for me to express to God how I Feel.  Won’t go into details too much, but in the vein of, feeling that I am not ever going to be in the class of a real woman, as I have not been a mother to a child. All sorts of feelings about my desperation about wanting to become a mother at around 36- 7 when I had split with my husband, who did not want children, putting out to any man my feelings of desperateness to any new prospect of a partner that their job was to impregnate me, putting out to a little unborn baby’s soul, that they already had a job to make me feel satisfied as a mother & whole as a woman, putting out there to my female bits that they HAD to perform as time was running out!!!!!!!!  Such demand, expectations and unlovingness, to others and my own body and my female body parts.

Also, there were some feelings about being 49 next year, with the prospect of motherhood,  judging by the norm, that it is a thing of non-existance now for me, and that menopause is coming up, and that will be the end, that I have nothing to look forward too, that I am a total FAILURE as a woman.

Such deep feelings like, I am a waste.  A man has said to just last week ( I did not get into the feelings of it ) something a bit like,  my talent has been such a waste,  about the use of my paintings on cards that I sell (his own regrets about his own father’s paintings that his father only printed up as cards, and people never got to see the real paintings which he stored).....I do have regualr exhibitions of my art.  Last year my own mother has said to me previously, that my talent has been a waste, (also her own regrets about not having the opportunity to follow a career of art or singing, either side of motherhood).

 I have never been able to get into the feeling of it as deeply as I did last night.  Not realising to the extent how deep this feeling goes in my soul, not only about art or singing, my expression of myself as an individual,  but the full expression of myself as a woman, and the feeling of missing out on experiencing motherhood. 

I remembered at school how girls went to motherhood class at highschool, boys didn't do any of that sort of thing, and how inept I felt, that I should somhow now know how to do it all, if it happened that I became a mother, when I still felt like a child,  and that this is all that females were invented for. Such a small amount of time in my life given to learning about such an IMPORTANT JOB. 

When that was done, not talked about by mum, I still hadn't had a period either, so I only knew what little was said about that,  well at least I had had that. Sex was shown on an 1/2 hour show, and that was that as well!!!!! Not much time given to teaching real life knowledge for the important jobs that were expected that you would be doing one day......there is more here in these particular topics that I have not felt my way through yet.

I could also feel my Great Aunty Jess's influence, who was a spinster, (my dad's aunty ) in her life she never became a wife (aparently got jilted ) a mother, she did get to live with my Grandmother  &  Grandfather (dad’s mum & dad ) & help raise their children.   There seemed to be much generational grief come out, as I expressed and experienced my own grief.

After receiving such beautiful love wrapping around me, I also felt the love come to me from the beautiful Celestial Spirit, who has been my daughter’s mother in the spirit world.  They were both giving me such glorious love,   it helped me to lift my grief out, and also to be filled with Joy in that recognition in my heart that God is really and Truly my Mother, and loves each and every one of us so much, and  has taken care of the most minute details in the running of the spirit world as well!....... For any and all of her own children to be taken care of, beyond death.   God’s hand of Love has been there for my daughter, she has had parents, gaurdians, caretakers, to take care of her and to show her love, that have done that out of pure desire to love her little soul, as an extension of God’s Arms of Love.  Showing me what it is to be a parent/guardian, the unselfishness and pureness of what the gift of a True parent is, when in harmony with God.

Feeling so tiny in my infancy of understanding God’s love, like a minute spec, like a cell, in a body of cells, that God knowing every one of my cells, and loving them, caring for each part of my body, knows everything about it, about me,  about how I am feeling at every second,  feeling compassion for me and where I am at, and at the same time has so much care for everyone of her children, that she also knows everything and cares about every feeling inside each and every other soul that she has ever created in this Universe, and the care and thoroughness in the creation of this universe that he/she have created for us, his children to enjoy and grow in.   And yet, she can somehow individually hold us in her Arms of Love, at every moment, every one of us having the abitity and opportunity of feeling her love personally. 

I feel a bit inadequate to describe what I experienced, but attempted it anyway.  I doesn’t seem quite the same, I apologise, me explaining what I have learned, as experiencing the wonder of the revelation when you receive the knowledge of it in your heart!!!

I felt a bit later too, about that the Celestial Spirit who has been Mother to Melody Joy, the daughter that I once aborted, has been a soul mate pair, as in both parents, guardians, who have looked after her just  like God our mother & father, that the experience of motherhood & fatherhood is so much more of a totally whole shared experience between two people.  (a little bit more in feelings since my blog about future shared pregnancy feelings between soulmate pairs)

This last bit, that I am also adding, may be just from my mind, as I don’t know this in my heart for sure, but a feeling in me ( I want to learn more about) that soul mate pairs who have the passion for raising children come to take care of the souls of little ones who have passed into the spirit world, and have experienced what that particular child is experiencing, themselves, and are the best teachers and parents for these children, from what they themselves have experienced and now have the passion to help others of their younger brothers and sister's going through similar to what they did. 

I am also feeling so much more compassion for my own dear mother who actually did choose to give to me the beautiful gift of life, and chose to give me the gift of her love.   I haven't talked much about dad here in this equation, so I guess there is more emotions to feel through about that.......

Anyway Goodnight, and may you desire to feel the Love of your True Parent, and be comforted by those Arms of Love!!!!

The Reality of What I Have Done, Update on Abortion - "Interview with Jesus, Abortion Part 1 & 2 Available to Listen to on Youtube

What a wonderful interview about Abortion, with Jesus......aka AJ, Allan John Miller, a most wonderful man that I have personally known since 2007.  I have actually known Jesus, in my sleep state since a babe learning about the soul & the spirit world and have been fortunate to attract him into my waking life,  to teach me about God's Truth & Love, how I can grow my soul in Love,  and how I can have a personal relationsip with God, and anyone who desires this.   You can find this interview on You Tube - sorry I don't have the link, it was given to me on a disc.  It has all the info that you would need to help you make a descision whether to abort or not, and so much more information for anybody with many questions around the topic of abortion.  It is non judgemental and very, very helpful, from Jesus own experience of what he has seen in his 2000 years in the spirit world.
 
In my last post about my experience of abortion, I was hoping that I did not come accross as judgmental, but after listening to the interview I feel I still judge myself in some way, well then, I am still going to project judgment towards others, whether I like that fact or not, until I work through that emotionally, all my associated fears of how judmental society is about the act of abortion. 

I also noticed that I still haven't really worked through many of the reasons emotionally for eg, when I first got into the new reltionship with my exhusband,  not realising I was pregnant to my last partner, in conversation, he had complained that he had thought that his last child was not his, (child had red hair, his or hers wasn't red) and his dad had also brought up a child that was not his own, it was a mate's child who had died in war.  He did not have a lot of trust in women & not really believing that his child that he raised was his.  

So I have realised that I need to delve more into why I would rather murder my child through the act of abortion, to please a man and not put him through that sort of event again... or think I am pleasing a man, or act upon any unhealed emotions projected out of him, out of fear that he would not want me if I had this child. 

At the time he did not try to sway me either way in my descision making.  Years later he said that he would not have chosen to do that, but I acted out on what I thought that he wanted.  Why would I do this act of abortion, and take the life of my girl child, & treat her life as unimportant & lesser than, and my needyness of getting loved by a man and appoved, doing what I think a man's wish would be.  I thought of what was on TV when I was growing up, "I Dream of Jeanie, Your wish is my command oh master"  stereo type brainwashing.  This all opens up a can of worms that need to be processed, that I have skipped a little as not so important and probably given some effect emotions more importance.  I do want to get it right, after hindering her progression so much until now when I have decided to take responsibility for what I have chosen to do, hopefully help to make it better, easier,  for my daughter to help her in anyway that I can in her own progression from now on.

So more emotions around what things I was running away from in splitting with my ex partner, getting with a new one, finding I was pregnant, having the abortion, how I have helped an abortionist, my hired gun, to damage their soul yet again every time that they perform an abortion believing that they are doing a service that is loving.  The extra work that I have caused to a beautiful nuturing spirit or spirits who held my daughter and loved her dearly as she grieved & healed from trauma, and  taught her about love, that she did not learn from me in any way.  The fact that I have slowed down her souls growth to a huge extent, from what I did to her, that if she had been born, even if adopted, if by that time I still felt that I didn't want the responsibility of her, she would not have experienced such huge rejection, and such disregard for the worth of her life that she did experience with me,  and earned such a lowly self worth.........for the long, painful, griefstricken time, until all her tears were spent.  Emotions out of harmony with love that caused me to run away from responsibility, from wanting to give the gift of life &  caring for that baby, my fears of this......  I feel that there is more processing in these areas for me to feel. 

I also feel that many feelings that I have experienced are not necessarily what I have experienced so much inside my own mothers womb, but have been what my daughter has experienced in my own womb, which is part of my repentance, to fully feel what she has experienced.  To feel the full extent of what I have done, how I have harmed another.

Anyway I still have part 1 to finish and all of part 2 to watch.  But I thought I would share what I feel I may have been skipping over.

For more information about Jesus & Mary's teachings visit http://www.divinetruth.com/



Here are some flowers for you my beautiful Daughter.....
you visited me long ago, you gave me flowers....
I hardly thought that I deserved them at the time and that you should forgive me,
for all the terrible things that I have done to you, so I was still rejecting you my darling!
You and Your Beautiful Celestial Spirit Mother, were reaching out to me.......to help me heal!!!!!! 
You invited me to your birthday one time, I remember.....you were such a joy, Melody Joy, 
If I had only given birth to you, beautiful child of God, I feel that surely I could not have wanted to give you away.
I am so sorry that I didn't give you that chance.....