I can avoid lots when I don't want to see the truth...

Listening to some chanellings from Divinetruth site, having some realisations,mmmm I thought that I wanted God's Love, well if that was true, it would be my priority at every moment seeing what stops me.....I thought I thought that I wanted God to be a loving God, I thought that I thought that I wasn't affraid of God.  I now realise something in me wants God to be a punishing God, to punnish those who I am affraid of so I can avoid my feelings, not wanting to go to feel under my hurt to my deep grief of those times I have been harmed and to avoid my terror.

A belife that I am GOOD, and the hurters are BAD...and God should stop them hurting me and punnish them for it. I also view myself as better than those hurters, I get a false sense of me that I have nothing to fix up in me.... ignoring my Law Of Attraction, my emotions in my soul that attracted that event, to alert me to what beliefs inside of me out of harmony with Love still exist in my soul.  I ignore that God is not only my loving parent, but also the parent of that other person....mmmmmI want God all to myself, want to be protected from all of my feelings that are yucky to feel!!!!!!!  Dammmmnn! that's the opposite to what I THOUGHT I was doing!!!!!!  Why has it taken me so long to HEAR the Truth!  Ahhh, I didn't want to hear it, well at least something has changed in me, a deisre is growing.

When I ignore the Law of Freewill, that that person can do that thing, I do not understanding in my heart that there are consequeces for every action in the Law of Compensation and that these Laws are Loving and are there to help everybody involved to come into harmony with Love. I don't like the punnishment and reward system I have been taught, but want it still to exist to satisfy my hurt anger, my blaming pointed finger...mmmmm, looks like a gun to create more pain, & 3 fingers are pointing back at me.
Posing questions to me.....How have I acted? Who have I harmed? Was I in harmony with God's Love? What emotional beliefs caused me to act this way?
I think I KNOW this, but it seems I know it only in my head, it is not known yet in my heart!  So therefore I do not know/understand about these Laws of Love.  I can tell myself this over and over and over, I haven't got any closer to it until a desire in me changes to want to know the Truth

My Childhood, there were lots of spirits, but at some point the realaitonship with the Scarey Hurtful Spirits, became the dominant force.  My growing fear drew them closer, (kept me in rapport ) and pushed other brighter spirits away.  I learned how to ignore somehow that they were there, and to do what they wanted, and I wouldn't get hurt! I trapped myself into this only being able to have a relationship with them, and not learning the whole reality of the spirit world and the many types of spirits who peopled it. I got their viewpoint of what they wanted me to know.  I want God to tell them they are naughty children, and punnish them for me. Instead of feeling what have I done in being their puppet?  and how manipulated I feel, and how I was bought.... The things they tell me to do, and automatically, I am a tool, their arm extension, their voice extension, what have I done for them, not even realising I've done it and harmed others!!!!!  I do not want to stay in this ignorance......in this addictive relationship........