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| "When I am in Pain, I am out of harmony with love" |
Usually there has been something in the “cooking pot”, is what I call it, for the day or week or weeks. For example what has been in the cooking pot lately is the intellectual realisation that I have done many unloving things to my previous partners that I have not been truly sorry for being responsible for causing them emotional pain, still in the space of feeling like, well he deserved it because he treated me badly, and I guess the general inherited feelings towards men that they deserve it – which is so UNLOVING and just a way to deny my true feelings and stay in the blame power game, never truly wanting to get closer to a loving relationship with a man? What are my fears?? What beliefs that have ”kept me strong” will I have to let go of???
The pain, my period becoming unbearable(tells me I am really out of harmony with love), I just go in the room with the most privacy, happens to be the toilet and cry & ask God to show me where I am going wrong!!!! This particular time, really unwilling to own what I had done that caused my ex-husband (will call him M) emotional pain, so there was a bit of anger and resentment that had to come out first. I was praying all the way to God, wondering why I just couldn’t feel remorseful, cause I didn’t really want to, I still felt like that he wasn’t a nice person so he deserved how I treated him!
The immediate person that I was able to feel so remorseful was my first partner( will call him W ), who was a nice person, and had been harmed by many people in his lifetime and did not deserve to be treated that way. I was willing and able to feel the emotional pain that I had caused to him, but still not the M. The next partner I was able to feel the remorse of how I had been unloving to , willing again, as he was such a kind and loving person ( will call him R )and didn’t seem to deserve that treatment from me
Here I am judging who deserves to be treated unlovingly and who deserves to be treated lovingly, the truth is neither deserves to be treated unlovingly, and that when I am doing that, I cause a great amount of harm to them and that I cause my own soul to get darker, to shrink in love, and I have compensation upon my soul now to feel the emotional pain that I have caused another now as well as my own emotional pain.
They did all though fall into the category of male, and my wrongful belief that males deserve my unloving behaviour.....which is total crap
What are my unloving expectations & beliefs ?
That Men love me no matter how I treat them
They need to look a certain way
In the beginning, that you had to stay in a relationship no matter what
What am I willing to barter for
To feel secure, a roof provided, a good source of income, I will barter with my desire to be treated lovingly (my addiction for security (fear ) has been greater than my addiction of wanting to be treated lovingly (self love). I have learned this generationally through my parent’s genetic line & society. Mum & Dad taught me through their example about “Men” and about “Women”, which was through their own injuries, not in harmony with Love, so their “Truths” were damaged and disharmonious.
Summary of what I required from the men in my life
W, was kind, not harmful to me, did not have the look, and did not have the security, (10rys, believed that you stay with that person no matter what ) I found somebody else to provide these addictions for me....M
M , had the look, the security, was not kind, was verbally harmful, but I had been willing to barter for 10yrs, eventually became disenchanted. Had an affair but I couldn’t commit to the other person as I would have to confess up and perhaps lose my half of security!!!!
Could not stay in any kind of relationship for a few years. The one’s I attracted refused to love me. I had HUGE expectations that they love me, so that I did not have to feel lonely and unloved.......didn’t get that addiction met. I became totally not me, but experimental, as is drinking and drugs.
R, was kind, gentle & very loving, not harmful, did not have the look, and displayed fear, so this didn’t feel secure. (3yrs, relationship durations got shorter ) I realised in my crying, that I “fell out of love” with R, he displayed fear, my security addiction was not being met, not enough other requirements met. We both had our own places, didn’t need the security of a home from that person, judged his place as being lesser than mine. I changed what I wanted to explore in life, I found “spirituality” and that didn’t fit in with Drinking & Drugs lifestyle R enjoyed.
T..... Went & found somebody else who was attractive, felt sorry for him, he had no security to offer me, so I offered him security, was never there much,
I thought I believed in spiritual freedom, felt T was my soulmate, found that I was unhappy although this time I decided no matter what I was not going to look elsewhere for somebody else to fill that lack of feeling loved. (a year & a half together & a year & a half apart, but sort of “Together” )
Overlooking my life now, I can see how easily influenced by spirits I was, easy to be manipulated via sexual /love injuries, that I was in total denial of emotions, resorting to alcohol & some drug use to disassociate from myself, and my personal painful truth.
T did not come into my processing this time. More to do there & with T & M (along the lines of resentment to how I was treated and not wanting to own how I treated them, feeling that they deserved it), although in my procession my pain, I did get to some sorrow for how I treated M
When I am in pain, then I am out of harmony with love.....simple & True
I am in addiction and have expectations of another getting angry & unforgiving & blaming when they are not met. It seems so logical, that if I have pain, then some belief in me which I feel is right, true, is actually not in harmony with love, with True Love, with God’s Love and that I am wrong. What an simple guage to live life by!
So what did I learn this time by the cessation of the pain, and some love from God, that even though somebody is mean to me, they do not deserve for me to punish them, the law of compensation takes care of all what the other person does that is unloving, just as it does for me. There is no need for me to punish another, in this I am trying to avoid my emotional pain, my wrongful beliefs, I don’t want to see myself in that moment how God sees me, as his child, retaliating in “kind” to his other child, in Truth, my brother. Until I am willing to totally feel remorse for all males that I have harmed, my resentment.......... not love goes out to all my brothers!!!!!! and still leave myself open to the influence and manipulation of many spirits.
I feel ashamed that I am still willing to do that and would prefer to be in “ashamed” rather than to feel the causes of why I want to still do that.
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