Feeling like I am being chased down and hunted –nowhere to escape.

 

The injured  child In me, feeling stood over constantly, watched, judged, never good enough.  Demanded upon to respond to and appreciate the “love” that is poured so liberally over me in that everything that has been done for me.   No freedom, feeling like I am made to feel like I HAVE to love that person, forced at gunpoint.  No freedom of choice, not even consulted that I may not want that choice that is being made for me, as how would I know what I want I am “only a child”  That feels like I am forced to have what mother thinks is best, That’s what the injured part of me feels a mother’s love is.

The emotion of the day that I spent all day yesterday NOT BEING HUMBLE, being unloving and wanting to blame & harm others rather than feel what was being triggered.  Causing damage to that person and also adding compensation onto my soul.  Not wanting to see any of my unloving actions.

This has been in truth, what I have been avoiding feeling all of my life, and has so much affected my life, how I react & how I act.  One of a bunch of injuries in the way feeling like wanting to receive love from God.

HOW HAVE I DONE THE SAME TO OTHERS AND DAMAGED THEM?

I asked God to show me what I have done in my life that is just the same as this.  Through my injury of not feeling loved by my Father, I have hunted down males that don’t want to give me their love “without a fight”.  I really like them & want them to like me so badly that in my fear that they won’t like me back, my energy goes to them seeks them out & chases them into a corner, hunts them down, just like I felt..................they just want to run and escape too!!!!

Resenting the “mother love”, when it chases me, wanting to escape my reality, going out of body,  in my avoidance of my fear & grief, or vacating in resentment to not give an inch!!!!  Or managing to stay in body, trying to somehow get mum to stop “loving” clamming up, not communicating, not wanting to co-operate, or co-operation under very much resentment, wanting to punish mum somehow, in these actions,   which I still found myself doing yesterday to a lady who was only trying to help me and I pushed her help away and punished her for feelings inside of me that she did not cause.  I clammed up, instead of communicating, going for the same old addictive behaviour and allowing the angry spirits to go on attack , and do my bidding, even though outwardly, it doesn’t look like I really did anything.  Wanting to stay ignorant, to fool myself  about  my own unloving behaviour, stay in blame, & in denial.

Feeling helpless to the onslaught of “mum’s love” and not wanting to feel that powerlessness,  in that denial, enlisting the help of other spirits who have felt the same way in their own childhood,  and they are willing to attack back now as an adult spirit,  (through my own unexpressed anger and resentment ) on my behalf to still stay in the denial of their own emotions, and aiding me in staying in denial of my own, and staying in the addictive, commiserating relationship which really helps nobody in this scenario to grow in love, just to stay shrunken in the soul. (there is compensation for me there & compensation for their own souls as well).

Not feeling greatful appreciating what my mother actually did do, in raising me.  Seeing all acts of love trough my injuries, as another demanding female,  hunting me down, whether or not they are doing that,  whether or not thay have an emotional injury in themselves, or are acting from pure love.  

Not wanting to love a female, or become a mother, I have hunted down my own daughter in my womb and destroyed her. Seems to be many emotions that have added and been causal, as to what caused me to kill my own female child, through the act of abortion. 

That is how I have acted and how I have harmed others from this causal feeling inside of me, this emotional error, this belief inside of me that clouds me to feeling any sort of love from a female, or to a female.

Thinking that God will not love me as I am not worthy of receiving that love

Not wanting her love, not wanting to get to know the MOTHER side of God’s Love

Becoming at one with God seems a long way off, with this error inside of me.
 Although going in the direction towards God, rather than with my back turned,  after feeing my way though this particular facet of  emotional error,  that has been until now, stopping me getting closer to wanting love from my True Mother,  God, feeling like I am loved by My Mother, and really desiring to love My Mother, willing to keep feeling through my injuries, until I am no longer withholding any part of me.................

Milly J