NOT WANTING TO ACCEPT AND ENJOY, AND TO LOVE BECOMING A TEENAGER, A FEMALE, A WOMAN, AFRAID OF GROWING... UP AFRIAD OF THE UTERUS....WHAT TEACHES YOU THAT?

WELL THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE

I had some fear and grief come up about an incident when I was a teenager, and was able to experience it bodily this time, I must have been willing to fully want to experience all of my emotions!

The rose coloured glasses, as the prepubescent teenager have certainly gone.   I feel that I have less needyness for dad’s approval , and less man rage in me, and less influenced my angry women spirits.  We shall see though, as to how I am with men from now on......

The Incident

Dad had hit my older sister for getting pregnant, and all the feelings fathers may have about teenage daughters being sexually active.  

I had expressed my grief of this (little girl grief, quite a while back now, was more in the flavour about him punishing her, and disapproving of her, and feeling the fear of dad’s disapproval  of me, and to blame somehow, fear if I would be bad) but I don’t think that the teenager in me has had much of a say, emotionally.  I think she got scared and left (went out of body & somebody else came in ), and I have been afraid ever since to become a woman. 

It is weird to describe, as writing this now, I feel an emptiness, a loss of many years,  of experiencing myself,  some adult type of person in my head being the logical one, ......but missing part of me experiencing who I am, that teenage female part of me joining in with my life.  The scared child in me and the unexpressed teenager, I have been living in my childhood and teenage fears from then until now.  And spirit’s beliefs.  Making sure I didn’t really become a woman, and use those scary bits that everybody seemed to hate, to have a child.

Some of my teenage rage came up to, that I have had locked inside since, hopefully now I don’t have as much rage in my soul being broadcast to all men.  This was capped on top of my fear and grief.

INGREDIENTS IN THE COOKING POT

What was the trigger (Law of Attraction)?  MMM lets see, it was a few days ago now, I had my feet on the trusty foot massager  after a friend rang up, but in the conversation, she said how much she thinks of me, and she worries about my health (to do with my uterus ). 

2mins before her phone call, I felt really uncomfortable in my uterus area, and it had swollen up considerably, I had not noticed that earlier in the day.  Then she rang......

I had attracted projected fear.  And another person who doesn’t like (think much about female anatomy )my uterus, doesn’t care for it much and wants me to get it cut out of me. Something in me must not like my own uterus,  and there must still be some fear about my own health, or some spirits want me to get sidetracked by fear, rather than going into deeper feelings, expressing why I am fearful, some spirits who still want me to get rid of that thing (that uterus, it’s useless, redundant, well past being of any use, you are 49 for God’s sake, what do you need it for anyway......almost tricked me girls, now I can hear your logic......you want me to just get rid of the problem organ, and then I won’t have to worry about ne getting into the emotions that could cause your eviction notice, as the imminent threat won’t be there anymore.  I might forget about getting into my emotions,  finding the cause, expressing them out of me, changing my beliefs about myself........I might not worry about that anymore, they might have control, the upper hand of me for a bit longer......and their hold on earthly things, that helps them avoid their emotions,  through me won’t be so threatened!!!!!  Busted!

Although I did have some effect crying,  and feeling sorry for myself crying, and also some crying about somebody caring, some crying about being fearful of doctors, of leaving it all too late, fear that my health has already deteriorated too far,  and I will die of something that could have been avoided, if I had had my uterus removed, years back when the Doctor said that is what I should do.

These feelings and fears, came up too when  my horse died, that I left it too late to do anything about it, maybe I didn’t get the vet involved soon enough,  (although they really had no idea of why she was sick, other than relieving some of the symptoms ).  Fears about my boy dog who has some skin trouble, about leaving it too late to get the vets involved, and that maybe he will die of something that could have been avoided.  Reflecting the fear that I mentioned above, about myself as well.  Feelings like, if I don’t care enough about my own health/life how can I truly care about these animals.   Lots of fear & grief came out.

I probably have a bit more fears and beliefs to work through to do with doctors and hospitals. I feel there is much generational stuff here about fear of doctors, fear of money, costs, shame, distress of feeling like you are just standing by and nothing that you do has an affect or can change the outcome. Powerlessness, and out of control.

Another friend mentioned that she was going for a pap smear.   I wasn’t too sure about how I felt myself.  More to feel into bit this has also acted as a trigger.  I never go to the doctor, unless I really have to (had to go to get my arm set in plaster recently).  As I have not had a pap smear for quite a few years.... maybe I don’t want to know what is going on, so that I can avoid more of my emotions?   What if my law of attraction was that the test was positive to cancer?  How would I feel then?  

So many people are so casual about your uterus!!!!!  I was so casual about the uterus of my female cat and my female dog.  I got them both “fixed” (weird word, I broke their femaleness, I treated their femaleness with such disdain, just like everybody else)

At one stage I was really angry about how dad treated  girl’s puberty, and growing into a woman, making you feel dirty, sneaky, and really verbally abusing, as a teenage female being  hated for it. 

There was a great deal of grief about feeling like I was not allowed to like myself as a teenage girl, to express myself in any way as a female, express and explore my sexuality.  I remember thinking logically to myself, I see the difficulty that my sister has had trying to express and explore herself as a teenage girl,  I will just do that when I leave home ( I was around 13 or 14, a very late bloomer).  When I thought again how my dad hit my sister, I was able to feel my fear and grief of this, although I had to keep doing  diaphramatic  breathing to experience my fear bodily, and to stay in my body.

God was there, my guides were there, just egging me on.  Go for it. Had a peaceful sleep afterwards, and some changes in my energy.  I noticed when I was getting into my real emotions, rather than the effect emotions, which the spirits were happy for me to be in, the energy of other’s projected fear for me left me.

Another trigger during the day, another friend said how much one of her friends hated being a teenager, and she said that she really enjoyed making the most of it, doing whatever she wanted to. This really hit a core in me somewhere.

I was afraid of being the whole me.  I didn’t really enjoy being a teenager.  My sister did what she wanted to a point.   She was a rebel.  And then she really paid for it (in the way that dad treated her)  Just like the little child, afraid of being punished, I never was game to do much, also as a teenager myself, not game to just find out who I was, to want or do anymore than I thought I was allowed.

No doubt, I was the model child and teenager!!!!!  In my parents eyes, I was no doubt no trouble at all. Her example, and my fear of dad, and fear of disapproval, from the punishment she got when she pushed the parameters,  this fear controlled me into being the model child.

My wanting to be like my sister but being afraid of punishment, also led me to not wanting to know who I am, ignoring and not liking who I am, if it is different to what she is, (my processing at this time wasn’t about these feelings, and looking up to her).   Just pretty much the grief of really missing out on living my teenage years and fully enjoying being me, the grief of not really enjoying being a child too, feelings also about spirits beings mean to me in my childhood, playing a huge part in my life.  Feeling lots of grief of not really enjoying life on earth, as God wants us to enjoy our life........feelings of blame at God came into it earlier when I was not wanting to own my feelings, but these needed to be expressed to get through to the deeper ones of grief and how sad I felt.

A few days after now, I had some chilhood anger last night, that I didn't get to fully experience. I feel that there is more childhood feelings about wanting to be the baby still, to want everybody to look after me, to be responsisble for me (demanding that they get it right too!!!) and not wanting to take on the responsibility for my own life, for myself!!!!!!  Milly :)