LOSS OF MUM'S LOVE

I was doing some photo editing this morning, and filing photos, am came to photos of my horse princess who died recently.  I have grieved a lot, and asked God part way through my crying this morning...... What is this grief about?  Is this feeling like I am missing out on her company the real emotion?  The next set of feelings were about, yes I know she is happy now, she is in the spirit world, free and happy and choosing If & when she wants to be with people, I feel that she chooses to be with children and adults quite a bit, then my feelings went into exclusivity, was I grieving that I don’t have her love “to myself “anymore? Then I was in some emotions about not having mum to myself, having to share, and the grief of the loss of that attention, when she was no longer “doing stuff”  for me ( I was the youngest & no longer a baby) and grieving the loss of love when she was angry.

FEAR HAS NO POWER IN THE PRESENCE OF LOVE – Message to help a friend



"God"





And this truth has helped me to desire more to want to be with and my Loving Celestial Guides and desiring more to give up my addictive relationships with other spirits. 

The lessons came to me over a few weeks, I did journal a bit of this if you want to read, it’s warts and all on “Milly’s Vibe” blogspott.

Anyway, as brief as I can be, with the general guist, it takes a few spirits to project onto us so that we get into the state of more fear, and in that state by dragging us into the darkness of fear, so that we are closer to their own shade of lack of love, then we are putty to them, that they want us to believe fear is the most powerful place, and stay believing, & in this place they can control the situation and can govern easily with threats, and bullying and anger.  So we learn to either  fight it, and stay powerful in whatever way we can, or become a victim, or a bit of both, and form certain alliances with certain spirits to survive, and of course, they don’t like it when we don’t want to be part of any pack anymore.  It has felt a bit like for me, fiving up “drugs” giving up spirits, ‘cause they can be nice too, when it suits them, but boy they can be nasty when you don’t tow the line!  But they can never take away my soul, (they can never really harm me or kill the real me)  That my fear is the only thing that lets them harm me in any way!  And from the lessons that I am being shown, particularly through a sick friend’s situation, the soul is such a powerful thing, when it’s will changes!  His body is a healing machine, something in his will has changed dramatically!!!!!




"Spirit"

 

My hook into spirits, being, as I mentioned to you that I don’t want to feel how bad it feels to be me, so they help me there.  So that is my key, just grow the desire to stay in my body and experience my emotions bodily, of how it feels to be me!!! And the grief has been coming !  A few weeks back, it was so hard to stay in my body, it was literally moment by moment battle, they were trying all the tricks of the trade to help me to go out, so that they could stay in control of me.  As they have invested much time and effort into grooming me so they can use me whenever they want to jump in a body, and use me to avoid feeling their own emotions.  I’d become their puppet, their vehicle, a tool.

Also working out my true upsets with God, being really real, and my upset with my Celestials, and how do I believe that they are gonna be the same as mum or dad or other spirits.



God & our Celestials aren't so limited in the ways that they can help, when our will changes.

In the presence of Love, just one spirit with love, the light of love shines on the darkness of fear & exposes it for what it is. In front of Love, the fear that the spirits themselves are trying to avoid by being powerful is exposed, and amped up, like God's Love waves coming to earth, and shaking the error up to the surface, Unfortunately, many times the bright spirits can still find it hard to help the dark ones cause they shrink in fear of "attack" of the brightness of love, not understanding it. The celestials can turn the brightness of the light down, but the love is still there, shaking the fear to the surface. That's were we fit in, as we are somewhere in between , we can help the darkerspirits to understand what is realy happening.
The other thing I realised was that when I am overcloaked by the spirits, it feels so TERRIBLE to feel like them!!!!! (no wonder they want to escape for a while, and I feel quite a few fight over, it's my turn now.........) I am actually not as dark as they are, and it is actually easier to feel my own emotions than to feel theirs' and that is the TRUTH!!!!!! knowing what I know now, a child is groomed from a very young age to fulfil this "service" for the spirits.



I keep asking myself, why would I want to stay with these spirits? My beliefs are all out of whack! I don't understand love, but in my heart, I have felt how powerless fear is rendered when I allow my Guides to help me and I involve God by wanting to give up my addictions.



“Like a Zombie Wasteland, Void of Any Love”



Like a Zombie Wastland Void of Any Love



A feeling described to me  as part of the hell where a male spirit who has been with me for a very long time, was in, and gets to avoid a bit when hanging out with me.   I guess my soul was there too in that feeling, or even just by association with him, and not knowing him as separate to me.

What did I not want to feel?  It was a male spirit, so the emotional cause was to do with dad....... That dad did not love me. That dad did not have the love to give as he was not shown the love himself.

I was afraid of violence, especially physical violence, when dad had to punish my older siblings for when they had been “naughty” for mum ( I was a baby), to be that threat to us so that we would do what she wanted us to. (just noticed probably more to feel in this department to do with mum, have done some of it in the past )  I did not receive the physical violence, but I feared the threat of it, so I would comply out of fear not to.  To the point where nobody would have to threaten me, just have a thought of it.

The spirit, what he did.........  Took out his frustrations about females onto me, (whatever had happened to him ) a helpless frightened babe, who had done nothing to him, but hooked into dad’s feelings that I triggered for him by simply existing, me the last child in the family being such a financial strain and a burden, and life being happier without children, and my feelings of being “bad” and accepting the blame, that dad’s feelings  were my fault. (dad’s feelings were an act of violence, but I didn’t want to believe that dad did not love me, it was my fault & it was ok for him to blame me.  Following suit, the spirit found a punching bag, or a horn bag & performed sexual abuse on me.  I accepted it, as it was not as bad as my terror of being hit.  But the feelings inside me were of  violation, helplessness, and not having any way of stopping that from happening, that my private parts were not my own, anybody had access to them at any time, dirty like I deserved it, yet at the same time it wasn’t fair, like my female parts were there for men to abuse, to take out their anger out on.  These are the types of feelings that I felt.  Don’t really remember the abuse so much as the feelings, although, I feel there was me at older ages that remembered the long term abuse feelings.  Kind of all a bit weird, too because it was abuse from a spirit.........people tell you they are not real and it is all in your imagination, “just night terrors” (there have been lots of emotions to do with not being able to trust myself as to what is real and what is not, as I was taught not to trust myself )

Later, the little damaged child in me at various ages and the adult now, had an emotional, truthful and  chat with the spirit, and also telling dad how I felt (dad is a spirit, has been for about 24yrs )  To let the spirit know that what he had done, and was doing, when I was still allowing, was not loving , and was damaging to his own soul and my own soul.  He argued at first and said that it was my fault, that I had put the invitation out there.   I did agree while I have any of those feelings still inside of me, it is a bit like a welcome mat at my front door for spiritual abuse, but he was a large part of the cause in me for this welcome mat.  He became remorseful, to the honest feelings coming from the damaged child’s words in me, to him.  I was able to forgive him and love him, not feel badly for what he had done,  and  help him to desire to change and to receive help to make that change for himself to find that forgiveness in himself for those that where the perpetrators that caused the damage within himself, rather than to seek revenge in the very sad manner that he had.

As an adult with a wounded child’s feelings inside me, what have I learned to do with that injury?  To sexually project at men, if I was afraid in any way that there could be an act of violence, to first get the approval, their attention so that things would never get that far.  I guess I would do this so that they would like me and not blame me.  If there was any fear of threat, to allow them to predate on me sexually, (mostly sexual projection) so that they would not attack me in other ways.  

As an adult I did attract an older man (best friend to my  husband I had just split up with.  My Ex, who was an older man as well, had bragged in the past about me as his “prize” younger bride, I guess the friend wanted to check it out)......I must have felt like I deserved to be treated that way.  The neighbour, and “friend” started to physically and sexually be violent with me, thinking that this was his opportunity to take advantage of me, no longer “protected” by my husband, could see that there could be something in it for him.   He had been investigated before for sexual harassment.   I yelled and screamed and told him to get out.  The anger attack worked to get him away from me....although I realise now, no in harmony with God’s Love. (around 2001)  I have since worked through the fear of that attack, and have not attracted a Law of Attraction like that one with the volume turned up like that.  I guess that was part of not accepting the way that men treated me, and speaking out!  I was not acting in love, but fear (living in it) and attacked back, so I incurred some damage to my soul from my own reaction and the feelings that I did not want to own and projected back.   I took a leaf out of another lady’s book and told any people in the community I came accross, fearing that he would want to attack other women.  In the process I found out a whole string of other women that he had harassed in the community.  At the same time as me, he did sexually harass a woman that was renting my house out, and I didn’t know how I could protect her, and felt still violated that he would predate upon her, on my own property.  My ex, still married at the time broke into my living area and helped himself to what he wanted, when he could have just asked for the key, and I would have given to him what he wanted.  It was a terrible violated feeling.  Hopefully today’s processing will have emptied out one causal emotion from my soul, leaving me one less to deal with!!!  I did feel my own Love for God, as a substance go out from me to God, and I felt some of God’s healing love enter me.  I felt it healing my arm that is broken at the moment, where I have been holding some resentment.  My uterus area, does not feel as tight, and feels more relaxed, I did feel a lot of yuk type energy leave this area, through the process.  And I felt quite a bit a peace and drifted off into a nice sleep.

I don’t feel that I have owned the feelings that I projected out to every female in the district though, which makes me wonder in my sleep state, do I go around with hordes of other angry women attacking men, in my fear. I guess I need to pray about this and want to know the reality of what I do in sleep state, in avoidance of feeling and experiencing my fear and my grief.

Reading through and correcting spelling etc, I can see more emotions for me to go to that I have not followed through with.  I don’t know if I am unloving in telling “a story” or whether how pure my desire is to give an example of something that has happened, how I have got to some causal emotions, different events that were a law of attraction,  that may be triggers for feelings of things that have happened to whoever is drawn to read this article.   But I feel if you have the basics of the teachings of Mary and Yeshsa, www.divinetruth.com, then you will be able to see for yourself if I didn’t quite get it right, as an aid to help quicken your progression, rather than make some of the avoidable mistakes I have, but did not know at the time. Maybe I am trying to do that protecting thing, that is condescending? I am very sorry if this is the case.   I  didn’t think that I was, but I will see if that goe for me emotionally......

Grinspoon – “I’ll Bleed You Dry”Theme Song For Today’s Process



Do I recognise what Gifts I already do have in my Life? 



The rabbit hole started at getting a bill in the mail......so I had a cry about not knowing where the money was going to come from.

I'll bleed you dry, rather than feel my emotions....
Where does the money come from at the moment to pay the bills, my partner.  This is a great strain that I unafairly project onto my partner.  And the Law of Attraction for both of us is that his wage is being reduced by the employers, or by  other governmental things ( law of attraction volume button is being turned up louder & louder )  I quit work nearly 2yrs ago to do the singing & art & emotional work etc.  Sometimes I have money from sales of my paintings, or workshops, or performing etc.  But it doesn’t flow freely enough at the moment to support us equally.....some emotional beliefs are stopping this! 
At times I feel so “paniky” and want to just go and get a job to alleviate all of these feelings that I don’t want to feel.   It seems too though the varietyof jobs that are available to me now are reduced as well, as I won’t have anything to do with meat selling, serving, so  many jobs are not available to me where my most recent previous experience lies, (ie checkout sales, food industry)  but there are still many other types of jobs that would be suitable and I would consider.
My health seems to still be the greatest excuse, and fears that I won’t be able to keep up with any sort of physical stress, or time pressure, that I would be sacked for being incompetent, an frowned upon if I become emotional.   I had been at my last job for nearly 10 years and had become very comfortable and complacent, and a bit lazy, and not afraid of getting the sack. 
The fact that I do feel a bit fearful about wanting a job, looking for and keeping it,  is probably a good reason to start the process of going for job applications.

What stops money coming to me?

What stops me receiving gifts from God....my beliefs to do with receiving things via mum & dad (other males and females )  through Tony my partner and through other people,  but believing ......not through God, only the middle man.  So therefore I enter into addictive relationships to keep receiving from others.  I then have expectations. I give what I have to give, so that I can recieve what they have to give.  My gift of giving is tainted, it is not truely a gift of Love, but of hoping to get something back, that I believe in my injuries that I can't get from anywhere else, and in recieving it, feel some kind of acceptance, or what I think is"love".  There is an expectation that this person will love me and reward me and an emotional error in my refusal to take on the responsibility of doing it for myself. 
Expecting anything from anyone certainly does not allow them the true freedom of purely giving the gift of their Love,   In my expectations,  I will never feel the love of their gift, until I empty out my injured emotions in my soul that cause me to have these expectations of recieving gifts from others, (in my beliefe that this is the only way to get get stuff when I have no money & can't physically do it for myself).  I will never feel the depth and breadth what God truly has gifted me already and what God has a desire to Give to me.   I limit what comes to me!!!!!!!  I limit how I can give. (I didn't know that in my heart, just then, until later)

Not working certainly helps to bring up a huge amount of helplessness about money, and that I am helpless to get what I want for myself, and what I do emotionally, and how I act to get it.

Walking home from the letter box crying......

Why aren’t I allowed to have money,?

Don’t I deserve to have money?

Don’t I deserve to have what other people have?  

I feel lesser than others......that God doesn't Love me like he Loves others

Getting more into the nuts & bolts of it

When I got home, I was crying about the feeling of a huge amount of helplessness, having some fears about dipping my toe into it & diving in deeper once it started to get closer to the locked down childhood stuff.   The current stuff, fears of making ends meet, fears of if my partner would care enough to consider me in his money hassels, about not being able to feed myself, and give to myself suppliments that my body needs at the moment for feeling stronger and being able to work & function better,  not being able to look after my dependants (dogs & cats & horse for their health needs)......... going right back to helplessness as a baby, it became just feelings being expressed out of my body, (and afterwards at the end I could feel some changes in me like a spirit had moved out of my bladder and uterus area) but along the lines of  being hungry and fears....if that person didn’t come back and feed me about the physical & emotional pain in my body increasing and not going away.......not wanting to feel that pain, affraid of that pain and going deeper into it.  This is the point where I ask God to help me desire to go deeper and to keep wanting to feel, and help me discover what my block to getting deeper.   Also asking...God is this the pain that I have feared for so long and not wanted to feel?  Is this fear & desiring to get away from it what has attracted spirits to come to me and comfort me, and for me to form emotional addictions to them  The Big One, that keeps me overcloaked by spirits in my desire to still have my addiction?......in my not wanting to feel this pain,  & if I can’t get the feeling of Love from mum, or dad, what I have done is to seek that solace elsewhere.....God won’t give into my demand!  God wants me to feel my grief, which is in and underneath the emotional pain.  Believing that mum & dad don’t love me, that God doesn’t love me, but until now only wanting to feel my resentment of that, (denial emotions) and not my true emotions (causal emotions). 

Somwhere in there a belief came to me that God’s love hurts.  Love hurts.  If I feel Love, that I will feel the pain, thinking that the pain (my emotions I want to avoid ) is caused by other's Love.   When I was in the space of demanding “love”(what I wanted ), Mum being loving and not giving into my emotional demands felt painful & I believed that she was not loving me, or somehow that love=pain.  Something crazy mixed up like that, in a line of many mixed up emotional beliefs.

Fearing God’s Love, that when it comes to me,  I will feel this pain, this baby feeling, so I don't want it.  My adult understanding,  getting mixed up with the baby stuff,  being that when God’s Love comes to me, I will feel the disharmony & pain in me, it has to all leave me before I will feel God’s love enter me.   Fearing the pain, and that it will be so great......not wanting the Love.  To get to feel God’s Love though, there must be an emotion in me that actually wants God’s Love to come to me, that wants to get to know what God’s Truth &  Love is!!!!!

Somwhere in this all there was a layer of HOT Shame to be felt through, in my face and my eyes, and my tears.

Many layers of Fear, chattering of the lower jaw, crying and flowing urine.  Don't worry I often process while sitting on the toilet.  All sorts, God doesn’t love me, mum & dad don’t love me, how bad it feels to feel not loved, alone, so dependant upon others, and so helpless to be able to help myself.

Exposing a whole heap of fears

That feeling of more afraid of living than dying again, would rather die than feel that painful emotion.  Wanting to die, and be in the spirit world as when I was a child some nice spirits would “Love” me and help me to get out of my body and the emotional pain in it and never have to come back to that pain!!!  The emotional pain of not feeling loved. 
Fear of Death, believing that it has to be painful,  so I can’t die to get to the spirit world, because I am afraid of that pain.  But wanting to get to the spirit world, as there are so nice loving spirits there (the ones that help me stay in my addictions )  if I could only by pass the feelings in the body.
Fear of Living, fear of feeling the pain, either in death or in life.  Not really afraid of the spirit world, but just afraid of the passing from the physical state, into the spirit state.  Fear that God doesn’t Love me, that God's love isn't gonna be what I want it to be.

My intellect also tells me there is probably some more fear to work my way through, to do with when the spirit body passes through the earth sphere,  when it leaves the physical body in sleep state, and being afraid of the earth bound spirits who don't look or feel so nice, fears of what will it be like if you die, and if can't go back to your body anymore,  or can't go into the spheres and get trapped with the earthbound spirits forever!!!! This is only me intellectually thinking about what else it could be related to though, for future processing, but I did not get into feelings like this today.

Truths That I learned emotionally in my heart, explained in words

This is what I have managed to grasp today, and will attempt to convey in words, but it is only an intellectual understanding  conveyed this way.  It has taken a few years to understand this, thinking that I knew things in my soul, and thinking that my soul had grown, when in reality, I only knew them intellectually.  The soul learns differently to the Intellect.  As a brief example, I can be always trying to be loving , (which takes constant vigilance, and can become exhausting ) or I can just automatically love from the amount of love that I am in harmony with, in my soul....which is never exhausting.

God Loves me now at this moment, even if I am emotionally injured, that I can receive Love from God,  if I can develop a true desire for it.  Even though having emotional beliefs about Love that are out of harmony with what Love Truly is, if I have a desire from my soul, I can still receive God’s Love.

The amount of Love from God entering my soul and helping my soul to grow,  is dependant upon my willingness to feel my emotional errors and release them as I  receive God’s Truth. If I do not want to recieve God's Truth, the amount of God's Love can only come into me with the amount of understanding emotionally about Love, that I have in me, that I am willing at a soul level to accept.  I still need to act upon that truth in my life.  That is one of the reasons why some of these emotions come up for me again to learn more about, as I have not fully accepted and acted upon the Truth that God teaches me. 

That I am the only one that stops myself from feeling God’s Love.  All this time, from babehood to now, and I am now 48, I was the only one standing in the way of it!!!

That I have been demanding love from God and my Celestial Guides, and when I demand their love, they do not give it to me, as it is unloving for them to do so.

That other people & spirits will give me their love when I demand it, out of their own emotional injuries.  And that it is not loving to demand or to give into that demand.  It satisfies emotional addictions in each person, and staying in addictions never helps either person to get into their causal emotions, only to feed these addictions and stay in denial.
What the energy of my demands feels like to the other person....................basically.......like in the Grinspoon song  “I’ll Bleed You Dry”  The truth when I am in that unloving demand, it is like I  want to suck their energy,  syphon their “love” from them.   I take from them and they feel depleted,  if they have give into my demands.  I will still feel hungry though, as I have not fixed up this hole, or pit of error,  in my soul. 

If they don't have an injury, they will still feel my demands, but it will repel them.  They will not be attracted to give into my demands.  I cannot take from them, and in my error, I believe that they are the ones that are being unloving!  When they are not.  And I feel that they do not Love me, when they are actually acting in harmony with Love.

Feeling & accepting the Truth of what I have done in my unloving demands to God, to my Guides, to other spirits, to other people, to my partner, to my parents, helps me to feel remorseful, and to feel my True Grief.

Today I rested peacefully and blissfully, I have had some of God's Love come to me, in Truth, that I accepted, and allowed my self to feel my error, feel my remorse and my grief and be filled with lightness & Love in these darkened recesses of my soul that these errors & beliefs created.

So now, after all of this, I need to act in my life in harmony with the Truth that I have learned in my soul.  So what does that look like.  I will let you know.
Milly :)

MOTHERS DAY God, My Mother! – I love you!!!!!

Wow, what a gift I have received today, which is the day after Mother’s Day, my Daughter came to me and surrounded me with her love!!!!!!    I recognized and recieved love from her mother that took care of her in the spirit world, and I recieved love from God!!!!!

I spent a lot of time grieving in the evening of mother’s day, allowing my emotions that have been in there waiting to come out and for me to express to God how I Feel.  Won’t go into details too much, but in the vein of, feeling that I am not ever going to be in the class of a real woman, as I have not been a mother to a child. All sorts of feelings about my desperation about wanting to become a mother at around 36- 7 when I had split with my husband, who did not want children, putting out to any man my feelings of desperateness to any new prospect of a partner that their job was to impregnate me, putting out to a little unborn baby’s soul, that they already had a job to make me feel satisfied as a mother & whole as a woman, putting out there to my female bits that they HAD to perform as time was running out!!!!!!!!  Such demand, expectations and unlovingness, to others and my own body and my female body parts.

Also, there were some feelings about being 49 next year, with the prospect of motherhood,  judging by the norm, that it is a thing of non-existance now for me, and that menopause is coming up, and that will be the end, that I have nothing to look forward too, that I am a total FAILURE as a woman.

Such deep feelings like, I am a waste.  A man has said to just last week ( I did not get into the feelings of it ) something a bit like,  my talent has been such a waste,  about the use of my paintings on cards that I sell (his own regrets about his own father’s paintings that his father only printed up as cards, and people never got to see the real paintings which he stored).....I do have regualr exhibitions of my art.  Last year my own mother has said to me previously, that my talent has been a waste, (also her own regrets about not having the opportunity to follow a career of art or singing, either side of motherhood).

 I have never been able to get into the feeling of it as deeply as I did last night.  Not realising to the extent how deep this feeling goes in my soul, not only about art or singing, my expression of myself as an individual,  but the full expression of myself as a woman, and the feeling of missing out on experiencing motherhood. 

I remembered at school how girls went to motherhood class at highschool, boys didn't do any of that sort of thing, and how inept I felt, that I should somhow now know how to do it all, if it happened that I became a mother, when I still felt like a child,  and that this is all that females were invented for. Such a small amount of time in my life given to learning about such an IMPORTANT JOB. 

When that was done, not talked about by mum, I still hadn't had a period either, so I only knew what little was said about that,  well at least I had had that. Sex was shown on an 1/2 hour show, and that was that as well!!!!! Not much time given to teaching real life knowledge for the important jobs that were expected that you would be doing one day......there is more here in these particular topics that I have not felt my way through yet.

I could also feel my Great Aunty Jess's influence, who was a spinster, (my dad's aunty ) in her life she never became a wife (aparently got jilted ) a mother, she did get to live with my Grandmother  &  Grandfather (dad’s mum & dad ) & help raise their children.   There seemed to be much generational grief come out, as I expressed and experienced my own grief.

After receiving such beautiful love wrapping around me, I also felt the love come to me from the beautiful Celestial Spirit, who has been my daughter’s mother in the spirit world.  They were both giving me such glorious love,   it helped me to lift my grief out, and also to be filled with Joy in that recognition in my heart that God is really and Truly my Mother, and loves each and every one of us so much, and  has taken care of the most minute details in the running of the spirit world as well!....... For any and all of her own children to be taken care of, beyond death.   God’s hand of Love has been there for my daughter, she has had parents, gaurdians, caretakers, to take care of her and to show her love, that have done that out of pure desire to love her little soul, as an extension of God’s Arms of Love.  Showing me what it is to be a parent/guardian, the unselfishness and pureness of what the gift of a True parent is, when in harmony with God.

Feeling so tiny in my infancy of understanding God’s love, like a minute spec, like a cell, in a body of cells, that God knowing every one of my cells, and loving them, caring for each part of my body, knows everything about it, about me,  about how I am feeling at every second,  feeling compassion for me and where I am at, and at the same time has so much care for everyone of her children, that she also knows everything and cares about every feeling inside each and every other soul that she has ever created in this Universe, and the care and thoroughness in the creation of this universe that he/she have created for us, his children to enjoy and grow in.   And yet, she can somehow individually hold us in her Arms of Love, at every moment, every one of us having the abitity and opportunity of feeling her love personally. 

I feel a bit inadequate to describe what I experienced, but attempted it anyway.  I doesn’t seem quite the same, I apologise, me explaining what I have learned, as experiencing the wonder of the revelation when you receive the knowledge of it in your heart!!!

I felt a bit later too, about that the Celestial Spirit who has been Mother to Melody Joy, the daughter that I once aborted, has been a soul mate pair, as in both parents, guardians, who have looked after her just  like God our mother & father, that the experience of motherhood & fatherhood is so much more of a totally whole shared experience between two people.  (a little bit more in feelings since my blog about future shared pregnancy feelings between soulmate pairs)

This last bit, that I am also adding, may be just from my mind, as I don’t know this in my heart for sure, but a feeling in me ( I want to learn more about) that soul mate pairs who have the passion for raising children come to take care of the souls of little ones who have passed into the spirit world, and have experienced what that particular child is experiencing, themselves, and are the best teachers and parents for these children, from what they themselves have experienced and now have the passion to help others of their younger brothers and sister's going through similar to what they did. 

I am also feeling so much more compassion for my own dear mother who actually did choose to give to me the beautiful gift of life, and chose to give me the gift of her love.   I haven't talked much about dad here in this equation, so I guess there is more emotions to feel through about that.......

Anyway Goodnight, and may you desire to feel the Love of your True Parent, and be comforted by those Arms of Love!!!!

The Reality of What I Have Done, Update on Abortion - "Interview with Jesus, Abortion Part 1 & 2 Available to Listen to on Youtube

What a wonderful interview about Abortion, with Jesus......aka AJ, Allan John Miller, a most wonderful man that I have personally known since 2007.  I have actually known Jesus, in my sleep state since a babe learning about the soul & the spirit world and have been fortunate to attract him into my waking life,  to teach me about God's Truth & Love, how I can grow my soul in Love,  and how I can have a personal relationsip with God, and anyone who desires this.   You can find this interview on You Tube - sorry I don't have the link, it was given to me on a disc.  It has all the info that you would need to help you make a descision whether to abort or not, and so much more information for anybody with many questions around the topic of abortion.  It is non judgemental and very, very helpful, from Jesus own experience of what he has seen in his 2000 years in the spirit world.
 
In my last post about my experience of abortion, I was hoping that I did not come accross as judgmental, but after listening to the interview I feel I still judge myself in some way, well then, I am still going to project judgment towards others, whether I like that fact or not, until I work through that emotionally, all my associated fears of how judmental society is about the act of abortion. 

I also noticed that I still haven't really worked through many of the reasons emotionally for eg, when I first got into the new reltionship with my exhusband,  not realising I was pregnant to my last partner, in conversation, he had complained that he had thought that his last child was not his, (child had red hair, his or hers wasn't red) and his dad had also brought up a child that was not his own, it was a mate's child who had died in war.  He did not have a lot of trust in women & not really believing that his child that he raised was his.  

So I have realised that I need to delve more into why I would rather murder my child through the act of abortion, to please a man and not put him through that sort of event again... or think I am pleasing a man, or act upon any unhealed emotions projected out of him, out of fear that he would not want me if I had this child. 

At the time he did not try to sway me either way in my descision making.  Years later he said that he would not have chosen to do that, but I acted out on what I thought that he wanted.  Why would I do this act of abortion, and take the life of my girl child, & treat her life as unimportant & lesser than, and my needyness of getting loved by a man and appoved, doing what I think a man's wish would be.  I thought of what was on TV when I was growing up, "I Dream of Jeanie, Your wish is my command oh master"  stereo type brainwashing.  This all opens up a can of worms that need to be processed, that I have skipped a little as not so important and probably given some effect emotions more importance.  I do want to get it right, after hindering her progression so much until now when I have decided to take responsibility for what I have chosen to do, hopefully help to make it better, easier,  for my daughter to help her in anyway that I can in her own progression from now on.

So more emotions around what things I was running away from in splitting with my ex partner, getting with a new one, finding I was pregnant, having the abortion, how I have helped an abortionist, my hired gun, to damage their soul yet again every time that they perform an abortion believing that they are doing a service that is loving.  The extra work that I have caused to a beautiful nuturing spirit or spirits who held my daughter and loved her dearly as she grieved & healed from trauma, and  taught her about love, that she did not learn from me in any way.  The fact that I have slowed down her souls growth to a huge extent, from what I did to her, that if she had been born, even if adopted, if by that time I still felt that I didn't want the responsibility of her, she would not have experienced such huge rejection, and such disregard for the worth of her life that she did experience with me,  and earned such a lowly self worth.........for the long, painful, griefstricken time, until all her tears were spent.  Emotions out of harmony with love that caused me to run away from responsibility, from wanting to give the gift of life &  caring for that baby, my fears of this......  I feel that there is more processing in these areas for me to feel. 

I also feel that many feelings that I have experienced are not necessarily what I have experienced so much inside my own mothers womb, but have been what my daughter has experienced in my own womb, which is part of my repentance, to fully feel what she has experienced.  To feel the full extent of what I have done, how I have harmed another.

Anyway I still have part 1 to finish and all of part 2 to watch.  But I thought I would share what I feel I may have been skipping over.

For more information about Jesus & Mary's teachings visit http://www.divinetruth.com/



Here are some flowers for you my beautiful Daughter.....
you visited me long ago, you gave me flowers....
I hardly thought that I deserved them at the time and that you should forgive me,
for all the terrible things that I have done to you, so I was still rejecting you my darling!
You and Your Beautiful Celestial Spirit Mother, were reaching out to me.......to help me heal!!!!!! 
You invited me to your birthday one time, I remember.....you were such a joy, Melody Joy, 
If I had only given birth to you, beautiful child of God, I feel that surely I could not have wanted to give you away.
I am so sorry that I didn't give you that chance.....



I Discovered Through Desire to Know What Beliefs I Have In Error, Inside of Me Emotionally & Through Processing These Emotions, One Facet of Why Have I Been Angry At Men

Well here was one discovery, I felt through........what triggered it was I was at a music festival that there were lots and lots of grey-haired nomads. Old age retirees that travel around in Caravans from place to place to see the countryside and enjoy the lifestyle.

 It was a Balladeers Festival, I was watching a white haired lady singing, she had painted on cheeks all roses, her falsies (false teeth) were white and glowing/glinting, but something was hitting the pit of my stomach, it didn’t seem all roses. (there was something harsh in her that was hurting a part of me)  The facades were all smiles, but the songs were all about hardships and cruelties of life that they had endured, and that in my own life I will never have to endure (because their suffering has made it an easier world for us, and we will never really understand what hardships they endured.....and so on) but she was still lamenting, in a jolly way.  The trigger seemed to start here, as in these old people with lots of sorrow in their lives that they hadn’t really worked through yet emotionally.  I started to feel afraid of them, and felt that it was unloving  of me to not investigate further and asked God what this was about.   It took me back emotionally to being a child, being afraid of the facade of old people, like my grandmother & grandfather, any old person,  who under the friendly facade, their denied feelings in their soul were hitting hard on an open child’s heart, and very painful to me, and the spirits that surrounded them as well that oozed these feelings like open wounds.  Taking it out on me somehow.

This then went to dad bringing home many spirits from the pub.  Many of them older people, scarey people, oozing people, to a child who could see, hear, smell, feel their soul conditions, and being so sensitive to their unfelt emotions that they projected at every moment and also acted upon, there was no way they thought that either parent was still open enough to feel what they were doing, or that that parent would believe a child,  if the child were game enought to speak out about the spirits were doing....doing some of  the horrible acts, like what had been possibly done to these old spirits as children, now perpetrators.  I don’t remember the acts that they actually did, I don't know if in the future I will, I just remember the feelings of it.  It felt really yuck, I had lots of grief of the way I felt, & some shame.

At one part of it there was some anger & fear that was blocking the grief.  Lots of grief that daddy didn’t protect me......he had no idea of what was going on, ( so he couldn’t really help me ) and I was feeling like he didn’t really want to,  or that he cared not, to know what the alcohol & his own unhealed emotions brought home with him &  that I didn’t even believe God would protect me.   The injured child in me believing  at the age that I am now, and after all the things that I am learning (intellectually until it hits the soul as a knowing ) about God and Truth & Love, the Universe & the spirit world  ( see http://www.divinetruth.com/ ) believing that God cannot now protect me, which is untrue.    God was showing me the Truth though,  as I feel all the way through my emotions and remove all of these fears, that I cannot be harmed.  Only when I have these fears locked inside of me, that I am able to be harmed. 

The anger came about through an injury from mum and generational women, as in a belief that it is the males job in life to protect the females, & that’s what a female expects a male to do.   Dad was very protective of his  wife & family from any verbal & physical harm, but he was totally ignorant to any harm coming from the spirit world, and the entourage that he  brought home with him that would torment me so, and the rest of the family, but they had all shut it out, shut their emotions off to a certain extent by then and were unaware and did not know any better.

Not sure if this anger towards males is all worked through yet, but I thought it was worth a mention too, as it may be of some help to any that know they have still some anger inside, to do with males, that may come from a similar feeling.   Anyway this is where my law of attraction led me to, all that was required was for me to want to feel it, and ask God to show me the Truth about myself and how my feelings have kept & still keep me out of harmony with love,  a simple way, really to get back into harmony with God's Love.