By the Fire

 

 

By the fire
Alone, the quiet stillness....
Watching the fire burn through
To the different seasons of life

Howling with the full Moon’s silver gold light
Illuminating those flying clouds
That keep rolling by
Like a sped up film

Smoke trails, rising skyward
Joined by ashy sparks
Of Twinkling orange lights
All decorating the night

A silent bat flies overhead
Been feasting at a Ghost Gum
Standing tall in the night air
It’s blossom, a fragrance to entice
Flying creatures there.
A sweet nectar, sacred incense, offered to the sky

I am glad to witness the serenity
Sad at first, feeling aloneness in the dark
In my stillness, I was filled with the Truth
I am never alone
That you are real God,
Your child
I belong

Written 30/12/2012

The Silent Scream

 

 

Abortion video "The Silent Scream" from You Tube

How Far Will I Go

Well, I seem to post a whole bunch of stuff together, although there has been a time lapse in between writing posts. Still going towards THE WAY to GOD.
My partner and I have been busy, he has been undergoing treatment for Tonsil Cancer, and now getting over the treatment.  Which was Radiation & Chemotherapy.  Travel to the doctors in Brisbane, getting tests done, living in Brisbane in a flat for 7 weeks, travelling to and from home in the country, to check on the doggies, cats & Horse.  One of our little mates, (my partner's closest buddy)  Ducci the cat never to be seen again since the first week of treatment, just to get the ball rolling. That was a huge thing to have to go back to Brisbane and tell my partner. That little cat had touched our lives. One of the many events recently, they just kept on happening.  
Oh Boy, do our souls want us to feel!!!!!  My Law of Attraction has been so ramped up, I have been quite happy in the sense that I have been very open to feeling.  Although the feelings haven't been happy, but feeling better for it now.  My partner is moving along with it all too, but that's for him to say.
Have kept a bit of a diary, to keep myself on track. Written some poems.  Just gotta find where I stored them......... so some of that will perhaps appear in later posts.
After watching more on the Abortion Videos, particularly S2 noticing my addiction with males more, to please them, above what I want, compromising myself and not valuing my unborn child's life.  (this is starting to hit me a bit more now in my breaks from computer )     And allowing myself to start to notice, a big part of me did actually want to have a child, and be a family, I have been grieving that a quite bit. (I am not blaming it on the man here )  I have just recently emotionally realised my huge addiction with pleasing mummy and felt some causal stuff, if felt cellular.   I wondered, ok now, where is the daddy stuff?
The Big Clincher, I ask myself, why did I do it??  The abortion, that is. Well I know I keep harping on about the abortion.  If you watch the 2nd video about abortion, you will get to the part, where Jesus/AJ talks about after working through the emotional beliefs & causes, then you will have found a lot of emotional reasons of why you did a lot of other stuff in your life, and I know that this is just a huge thing in my life!!! 
I also ask, what are my purely selfish reasons to murder?  Big addiction to pleasing the man, and fear of losing the man, not wanting anything to stand in my way to blow my chances of a new relationship especially knowing that in his (man at the time ) first relationship he did not believe his girlfriends child was his own, and was resentful about the possibility of bringing up somebody else's  ( just so happened that his own father had brought up a friend's (who died in the war )  son as his own.....my partner at the time's brother, sorry if I am confusing.    If you have read previous posts about abortion,  you will have noticed that aspects of this have come up in the past.  But I haven't been to the depth of cellular emotions like I have felt recently with my feelings about my angry mum and my addictions to please the angry woman.
So I still new and haven't recognised my addiction in my heart yet, to want to please the Angry Man to feel loved, and the implications that that Angry Man.  I am knowing that I feel half baked, but the process doesn't want to hurry up, I don't want to feel that yet.  So all I can do is ask why?  I don't want to see the truth of how much I will compromise myself, and what act I will do to please a man.  This also brings me again to, how much I compromise myself and act out of harmony with love in my attempt to please angry people, male female, old, young.

Holding onto Unfogivness of Myself To Cover Deeper Injuries

I feel like if I don't want to be humble and feel my emotions, then the brighter spirits don't want to stay around me. Which is an indication when I am being unloving.  As they want to teach me about love, and they are acting in accordance with my will.  So that is when I relate to darker spirits again.  So the use of my will totally chooses who in the spirit world that I hang around with.

The brighter spirits, limited in their influence now because of my will.  "You can take a horse to water, but you can't make her drink".  Only she can do that and she needs to want it!!!  The will to die, has been a heavy one for you Milly.   We have only been able to help you in a limited way.  We are sorry that you can't focus on the way to God as freely as you once were.  Where have you gone wrong you ask?  What is your desire, Milly, what do you want?"

I seem to be moving further and further away from God!!!  And I am drowning in it.   Am I damaging my soul every day more and more?  Instead of walking towards God in learning the lessons of love. Obviously I don't want to implement some of the lessons, resisting change, afraid of taking action.   It seems like I am degenerating.  Is that, that I am noticing more about myself and not liking that, and walking away from it rather than wanting to fix it up in me, thinking that it is too hard?  Or I just don't want to anymore? Boiled down it must be that I fear to uncover more darkness in me that I judge myself over, more than my later adult things that I did, has that been easier to cope with, as I can turn around and blame myself. and not have to look any deeper.

So is that why I want to hold onto the unforgiveness in myself,  so I don't look any further and find out deeper causes, and injuries that I received and finding the real truth. Right now, in between the breaks of crying, my heart is really hurting, as these words are coming out of me.   I am so afraid of overwhelm.

Each time I let go of some more of the fear of overwhelm, I get a bit closer to not resisting it....one day just go there!!!

When You Are Ready, The Teacher Comes

Cushna came to visit me the other night!  He is such a loving spirit, and I wondered why his presence was with me? 

I have had a desire to teach children art, but I don't want to harm their souls, and I don't want to clock up more compensation on my soul in choosing actions that are out of harmony with love.  So I have been tentatively teaching art with some children !!!  I am afraid of harming them from the unhealed emotions,  and myself, as in clocking up more Karma (compensation & more things to be remorseful about!!
But I do need to take some sort of action on my desires! 

I have a small art class that is having a break at the moment for me to work through some emotions, and for the children to decide if they do actually want the art classes, and that it is not just the mother's wanting this for the children, as there is some behavioural things going on, being reflected at both me and the parents of the children, and some addictions wanting to be played out, unloving actions & demands from the older children.

So there is still a great deal for me to work through in my out of whack beliefs, a bit more desire to do it though, less desire to harm, and learning how I act in harmony with Love. 
 
I have been feeling like spending some more time with Cushna, who is a Celestial Spirit who particularly loves children, and is a caring person who teaches people who have a desire to help others, who is a teacher in a book "Through The Mists" (R J Lees ), learning alongside the other wonderful spirit who channelled the book through RJ Lees (a medium) from 1860's.

At the moment, in the book, we have all just visited a lady Marie (another spirit, as we are in the spirit world), after 20yrs of being trapped in a jealous rage and finally could not stand the emotional state of pain any longer,  is in the state of repentance for what she has done in her jealousy to other people, during her life.  She recounts her storey so emotionally! Working through her feelings, speaking out loud and admitting what she has done,  taking ownership what she has done, seeing & feeling different aspects of why she did it, feeling the remorse of what she has done, and then as the emotions move through her as a bodily experience, she falls in a heap and rests, another beautiful spirit ministers to her, and we all leave. 

Each time Cushna brings somebody who wants to learn how to help others, she is one of the people that they get to visit.  Every time she recounts what has happened, she is fully connected to the experience of it, and fully connecting to her sorrow, it helps her to forget it bit by bit!  Until one day, all of it will be gone from her!

So I thank the BlogSpot for helping me to speak out loud....to use my own voice to own what I have done, and I thank you for being my silent visitor!!

This has really touched me, reading this about Marie, and looking at my own life!  When I thought that my guides have not been with me, when I have been in my "pits of feelings, my yuckies, my dark side, and dark spirits, my self punishment, & finally my remorse...I realise now, this I feel is what I have been ever so SLOWLY working through my self, and with my guides watching & waiting with great care,  each time patiently waiting for me to keep feeling my remorse bit by bit, working though the different reasons why, what caused me to have no care for another's life, to take it as if it was nothing, and it was mine to do that!   Silently helping to guide me towards things to help me leading the way, when my will & intuition allow it!

My belief in my error, that what I believed to be true! FEAR, my ruler, my God.

A thin line, remorse & self punishment!  The remorse helps the soul heal, the self punishment harms the soul and helps me to stay in an addiction, a belief in that I am so BAD that I will never be able to have inner peace EVER (around the abortion issue, , I have had a friend reflect to me that, she would never be able to live with herself ( she has never had an abortion herself) and she feels sorry for me because she believes I will never be able to make peace with myself, she did say it is between myself & my maker..... I wanted to rebel against this, my Law of Attraction, and pretend that I don't really believe that I would never find peace!  Or be forgiven !  Sometimes people speak out loud to you what you don't want to hear that your own soul is saying to you.  Some times though, it is the voices of spirits, taunting you, wanting you to stay in a hopeless direction, and what they themselves believe!  But whose ever voice it is, it is telling you something about yourself, leading you somewhere into discovery of what is in your soul unnoticed or being ignored by you!

That really helped me to see my own self persecution! Of the punishment that I had decided in my error, that I deserved never to find peace for what I have done deserved never to be forgiven!

I can still feel that I have some emotions & errors around cruelty to others out of resentment of not being treated well, and expectations of others to learn the lessons of love, so as not to harm me.
And wanting to treat others as lesser than me, in resentment of being treated like I am lesser than others, to avoid the grief.
So I need to be humble if I can, and stay away from children I teach, when I am not.

In the past, working through emotions of not having had the experience of rearing children, wanting to feel like I am a woman, to fit in, to belong, if I have something to do with children.

At the moment (months later) I did not continue with the particular afterschool group that all met at one child's house.. It seemed unloving to continue the way it was going.  So it seems I am not ready yet.  I did some workshops a few months back, for the Holidays at the Gallery, and parts of it went really well., although, it seems though my persecution of myself was picked up by some of the children and I am treated at times not very lovingly.  They were a perfect reflection of what is going on inside of me.   I feel in a better place at the moment to address this treatment of myself and other children who are treated unlovingly, but I have decided that doing workshops with children at other organisations is not the way to go for me or the children under their rules and regulations.  I still feel it is too early yet to do more workshops as I feel I would be still inflicting my injuries upon the children.  Needing to work through some more beliefs in me.

2 Videos from the Divine Truth Channel on You Tube talking About Abortion

 

 

These videos are very informative.  please watch if you are contemplating abortion, have had an abortion, or miscarriage, or you have performed an abortion.  This could change your life and change others lives!  In the world there are 44 million abortions each year. You will come out the other end of these videos with a greater understanding of the Gift of Life, and much more.  

Prayer, Learning God's Language of Love & The Truth of My will controls what comes into & goes out of my soul!

It seems weird writing a post after such a long break.  Well went to Jesus & Mary's seminar on the weekend, about prayer, and am inspired again to keep desiring God's Love, to learn God's language of Love, as a human that I am.  I little babe, learning how to speak, with my heart! It is a bit pointless in me reciting what I have learned mentally, in my thoughts, though, as the soul learns by experiencing and feeling, the letting go of the error, and the acceptance of the love lesson in the Heart.
The process all starts with Asking for love, If I ask for love, then I expose a fear..........the date of the talk will be 23rd June 2013 if you look on the Divine Truth you tube channel.
 
This was one great leap, which I stumbled upon, not recognising the importance as such,  while ago that seemed to come natural at the time, was just wanting to Love God....at that time, this opened me up to God's love to a greater degree!!! I received the most astounding Love & Joy from God, can't describe the feeling in words as it seems clumsy in comparison.  The talk on the weekend reminded me again, Jesus & Mary termed it like a tug on God's clothing!!!  We all know how we respond to a little child wanting our love!!

Something since my one great leap, in me is resisting again though, so, in the advice that Mary gave us, that Jesus had given to her, was ask "what am I afraid of?"

Also the talk alerted me to me not knowing how to shift the focus on the false "truth "of my error! My Fear becoming my God. 

And another important message the slapped me in the face a bit to wake up MY WILL CONTROLS WHAT COMES INTO & GOES OUT OF MY SOUL!!  That was a biggie! That my will is totally responsible for all the crap, (kinda knew this intellectually, which is not knowing it in my soul, but the taking of the responsibility for it, for me seems to be a series of slaps in the face and feeling that emotionally!!!  That day it really hit me about spirits, has been a bit of a bug bear that they come around seemingly uninvited! (and I blame them!!) Wrong, very wrong....when I use my will & don't want to be humble, & don't want Truth, and use my Faith for believing in fear, & my actions are out of harmony of what acting (not sure if acting, has a good connotation, not meaning pretending, automatically doing an act of Love, without any thought) in harmony with Love is like!

"What am I afraid of?"...afraid to feel love!  what is it? Do I want to give love, or believe I can give love?  Do I want to receive love? What will happen if I receive Love?  Will I be expected to then do something that I don't want to do to have more?  Carrot & the stick, if I receive Love, will it then be taken away?  Do I  So I won't name too many, as I am not really feeling into it, so it is just intellectual.  But I am sure you can come up with quite a number of your own fears to work through emotionally!

I am also really pleased to say I have been starting to be in the presence of some brighter spirits a bit more now, as I was very much in the presence of some darker spirits that matched my soul feelings.  So I am not sure exactly what the difference is, a desire in my soul changed, some addictions that I no longer keep fostering....have been feeling into some deep causes, getting past the resentment, into the fears, getting into my own grief, and the grief of the grief, and I feel a slow change in my beliefs in myself changing.  A slow growth, but the foundations of me not so undermined & becoming stronger bit by bit!!! 

On account was around being a medium as a child, was told that what I was seeing wasn't real, so I needed to be dependant upon others to tell me what is!!!!!  Wow I could not believe how this undermined me so young!!!  How many parents in their not knowing what else to do, try to help their child's fears, and say something like "It's alright my darling, that's not real" I would not have realised the repercussions that it would have for the little child!!

Anyway that's it for now!  Milly :)  will put some links to some Divine Truth stuff on here soon, to make it easier to find things!